This reminds me of early of Montreal. I'd look to them for inspiration on song structure.
I tried not to read other replies and be influenced so sorry if some of this has been said. I think you need space at the beginning before you jump into the vocal, even if it's just playing the chord for 4 beats... even if you hit the chord once for a whole bar or measure and then jump in... it just needs some space.
In my mind, this seems to be in an A B C A B C format, with A being your apparent chorus.
A beginning with the "fallen leaves in the winter..."
B beginning at 0:24 with "and I'll..."
C beginning at 0:51 with "I'm going down"
The C section is the bridge to me.
I might consider doing an A B A C B A structure and changing the lyric in the second B section.
Mix-wise I think the timing could be tightened on the double vocal and in general the vocal could be brought down a few dB. There's a scratchiness on one of the tracks so maybe use a subtle noise remover on that, but it's not too distracting. I'd also compress the guitars a bit more personally and play with panning and expand the stereo field to make it feel wider. I think the parts themselves are fine, but again I also enjoy early of Montreal stuff so if that's not the vibe you're going for then you could certainly go in a more pop direction.