Jokes!!

The magician was so frustrated he pulled out his hare...

I was going to make pencils with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

A bear walks into the bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender calmly tells him, "We don't serve bears beer in this bar."
To which the bear gets angry and says, "See that girl at the end of the bar? If I don't get a beer in 10 seconds, I'm going to maul her."
Time passes by as the bartender just calmly stands there. The bear in a rage goes to the end of the bar and tears up the hapless woman. Then for good measure he completely devours her.
"Now, give me a beer or you're next." He tells the bartender, who calmly replies, "We don't serve bears beer in this bar."
The bear is outraged and starts fuming and spitting and sputtering. Then the bartender says, "You'll be going to sleep any second now anyway."
"What?" asks the bear.
"You'll be going to sleep any minute." says the bartender. "You see, that was a bar bitch you ate."
 
A man on Safari hears drums every night, deep in the jungle. He asks his native guide what the drums are all about. The guide replies, "No need to worry; only worry when drums stop." A few days go by, every night the drums play in the distance. Until one night they stop. The explorer runs to his guide in a panic and asks, "The drums stopped! What's happening.

"The guide, with a look of grim resolve, says: "Bass solo."

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Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

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What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in its mouth reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and berating the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!"

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A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man replies "I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

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It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.

"No, the seat's empty," he answers.

The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?"

The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been to together."

The first man replies," I'm sorry to hear that. But wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?"

The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."
 
>
> None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad, Tyrone."

One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died .

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

> Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.
 
Not a joke: Actual law. But funny, just the same:

New auto accessory!
MAINE: You can’t buy a car on Sunday unless it has plumbing.

Someone needs to look at a map:
NEBRASKA: It’s illegal to go whale fishing within the state.

Mumbo-Jumbo
KANSAS: If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

Politics at it's best
VIRGINIA: The chicken labor lobby has set the egg laying workday between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m.

Dear Victim;
TEXAS: Criminals must notify their victims 24 hours in advance of the nature of their crimes yet to be committed.

These two seem to contradict each other:
TENNESSEE: Crimes against nature are illegal.
NORTH DAKOTA: Beer and pretzels cannot be served at the same time.

They must have VERY low turnout...
NEW MEXICO: Idiots may not vote. Nor may insane people.

You what?
MINNESOTA: You must list your date of death on tax forms.

And my favorite:
ILLINOIS: Midget tossing is illegal in bars, but is legal in other parts of the city if you have a permit.
 
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,

"You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"

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Mr Clean said:
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,

"You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"
Click to expand...

An oldie but a goodie
 
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

I heard music coming out of my printer. Must be a paper jam.
 
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Two antennas met on a roof and got married. The ceremony was ok, but the reception was incredible...one more piece of Bubba's soul gone :)
 
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Mr Clean said:
What do you get if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?

Killed in a Parisian tunnel.
Click to expand...
And.. as it was in..
" What's a necrophiliac dear?"
[whispers in her ear]

...."Oh That's tacky."



'Murder By Death


Haven't seen it?


DO! :listeningmusic:


Shoot. Ok, so fine. And now I get the munchies for Spam samiches.. :rolleyes:
 
A woman was charged with beating her husband half to death with his own guitar collection.
The judge asks, "First offender?"
To which she replies, "No, your honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender"
 
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

My uncle didn't pay his exorcist...he got repossessed.

I'd tell a chemistry joke, but I'm afraid I wouldn't get a reaction...

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony.....it's not hard.

A hole was found in the nudist camp wall...police are looking in to it.

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It's not that Bruce Jenner can't juggle...he just no longer has the balls to do it...

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Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's time consuming.
 
I told my wife she was painting her eyebrows on too high...she looked surprised.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

The first rule of Alzheimer's club is don't talk about chess club.

I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him faster...if anything he was a little more sluggish.

A physicist yells at a man about to jump off a building, "Don't do it! You've got so much potential."

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in the jeans.

Apparently someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds in London...poor guy!

To whoever stole my Microsoft Office: You'll get yours, you have my Word.

To the paraplegic that stole my wallet: You can hide, but you can't run.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. They're efficient, and not very funny.
 
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