Jokes!!
- Thread starter elbandito
- Start date
acidrock
GO PACKERS!
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says , "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Bubba po
Tiny Stonehenge Moment
Wasn't sure whether to post this here or the football thread, but...
Blue Whale calves weigh up to three tons.
dachay2tnr
One Hit Wonder
Sent that one to my useless, cowboy fan, son-in-law.Wasn't sure whether to post this here or the football thread, but...
cakewalkKaKed
HOORAY FOR BOOBIES !!!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.......
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared by time travel, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today? One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look
at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”
After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player. Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a few days later to see how she was managing.
"Fine. I listened to Shania Twain this morning," she said.
"The whole CD?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "just one side."
An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit. I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.”
Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”
After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
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After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player. Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a few days later to see how she was managing.
"Fine. I listened to Shania Twain this morning," she said.
"The whole CD?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "just one side."
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An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit. I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.”
Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
BroKen_H
Re-member
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans", he replies.
"Put them back, it's a waste of money", demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does a case of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7!!!
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans", he replies.
"Put them back, it's a waste of money", demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does a case of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7!!!
Hell, I loved it.. then more when his name 'kicked in.
Musical humor...gotta love it!
In best Sean Connery voice.. "Becareful where you shoot down here. There are a lot of places on this ship that don't take kind to bullets."
BroKen_H
Re-member
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"