Jokes!!
- Thread starter elbandito
- Start date
dachay2tnr
One Hit Wonder
Two Polacks are piloting a 747 into a landing at the airport. They put the plane down and apply the brakes, but it still crashes through the fence, runs across a field, and comes to a stop on the highway.
The pilot goes to the copilot, "Wow, that's gotta be the shortest runway I've ever seen."
The copilot replies, "Yeah, but did you notice how wide it was?"
The pilot goes to the copilot, "Wow, that's gotta be the shortest runway I've ever seen."
The copilot replies, "Yeah, but did you notice how wide it was?"
dachay2tnr
One Hit Wonder
Ok may have just stepped in some.. Just told it to me wifie. Got no reaction, so I says 'gee thanks.
She just hadn't got it (yet
Ooops
Is she Polish?
I'm no racist.Is she Polish?
I substituted "These two HR BBS dim wits somehow got off the ground in this airplane.."
No really, she just wasn't seeing it right. I did the pic', little 'air strip, then little plane, but approaching from ...
'All betta' now
jimistone
long standing member
Four pastors were together for their weekly pastors Bible study meeting. They were discussing how pastors are tempted and sin just like everyone else.
The first pastor said; "I'm going to just lay it on the table since it's just us 4 here....I struggle with the sin of lying. I have lied to my congregation, lied to my children, and to my wife. I struggle with that.
the second pastor said; "Well, just between us, I struggle with lust. I watch the pretty girls come in the church on Sunday morning and I undress them with my eyes and think about having sex with them. I'm so ashamed of it and it's something I struggle with daily."
The third pastor chimed in; "As long as we're confiding in each other, I will confess I have a gambling problem...I have clipped money out of the collection plate and took it to the casino and lost it on the tables. I struggle with this so.
The fourth pastor said; "I too struggle with sin. My weakness is being a gossip, I can't keep my mouth shut and keep a secret to save my life"
The first pastor said; "I'm going to just lay it on the table since it's just us 4 here....I struggle with the sin of lying. I have lied to my congregation, lied to my children, and to my wife. I struggle with that.
the second pastor said; "Well, just between us, I struggle with lust. I watch the pretty girls come in the church on Sunday morning and I undress them with my eyes and think about having sex with them. I'm so ashamed of it and it's something I struggle with daily."
The third pastor chimed in; "As long as we're confiding in each other, I will confess I have a gambling problem...I have clipped money out of the collection plate and took it to the casino and lost it on the tables. I struggle with this so.
The fourth pastor said; "I too struggle with sin. My weakness is being a gossip, I can't keep my mouth shut and keep a secret to save my life"
dachay2tnr
One Hit Wonder
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed! "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
"Then somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"
"But grandpa, I really doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
"Then somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"
BroKen_H
Re-member
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
BroKen_H
Re-member
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."...
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
A newly married husband puts a notice in front of his home.
For Sale: computer and encyclopedia, both in good condition.
Reason for selling: No longer needed. Got married, WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING.... With backup server called "mother in law".
(This seemed pretty apt today on my wedding anniversary)
For Sale: computer and encyclopedia, both in good condition.
Reason for selling: No longer needed. Got married, WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING.... With backup server called "mother in law".
(This seemed pretty apt today on my wedding anniversary)
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too.
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too.
BroKen_H
Re-member
Bobby calls in sick one day to his boss. "I've got a headache, my legs hurt, my stomach's really tied up. I just can't make it."
His boss says, "You know when I feel bad, I just ask my wife for sex. Then I feel better and I go ahead and go to work."
Bobby hangs up and calls back two hours later. "Great advice," he tells his boss. "I feel much better. I'll be in in just a bit...by the way, you've got a really nice house."
His boss says, "You know when I feel bad, I just ask my wife for sex. Then I feel better and I go ahead and go to work."
Bobby hangs up and calls back two hours later. "Great advice," he tells his boss. "I feel much better. I'll be in in just a bit...by the way, you've got a really nice house."
