Jokes!!

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
 
John went to see his ailing grandmother in the hospital. When he arrived, he pulled up a chair and got comfortable as grandma was quite long winded most days. He was talking and listening when he noticed a small dish of peanuts by her bed. Grabbing a handful, he kept on with grams. A few hours later he noticed that all the peanuts were gone.
"Gramma, I'm so sorry," John said. "I've eaten all your peanuts."
"Don't worry," says grandma, "I can't eat them anyway. I've had no teeth now for years..."



:eek:


"I just suck the chocolate off of 'em."

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Pleasing everyone is impossible! But you can make them all angry very easily...and it's quite entertaining!

Incorrect answers: Policeman asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?": 1) "Not fast enough to get away from you.", 2) "No, I was too busy loading my gun.", 3) "Of course, do you?" 4) "Speed is relative, I was going around 1000 miles per hour as the Earth turns or about 18.5 miles per second as we travel around the sun." 5, "Would you like a doughnut?"
 
A man comes home and sees a note on the refrigerator from his wife. She wrote, "This isn't working. I'm at my mother's."

The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, and he says to himself, "What the hell? The fridge is working fine!"

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A man is in court on trial. The judge says, "On the 3rd August, you were accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock.

Another man at the back of the courtroom stands up and shouts, "You dirty rat!"

The judge asks the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The judge then continues, "...and also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty," says the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stands up and shouts even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!"

At this point the Judge calls the loud man to the bench and says, "I have already asked you to be quiet. If you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship do you have with this man?"

He replies, "He is my next door neighbor."

The judge replies, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments."

The man replied "No, your honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!"


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Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local saw mill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the sawmill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to the Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily, Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to the hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".

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A woman asking people questions for her company's survey walked up to a man and asked if he would be willing to participate. He said, “Sure”. She asked him to name something expensive that he wished he had never bought. The man answered, “My wedding ring.”


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Q: Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
A: They always get stuck at "c."

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Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool."
Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."


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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has, getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

:thumbs up:
 
Good to have you back Clean!

I've decided to hang a Batman suit in my closet. It'll mess with my head pretty good when I get Alzheimer's...
 
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

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A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but bitches and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"


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A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
 
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 
The Swiss have their famous Swiss Army Knife, designed to give their soldier an edge by providing the tools they need to get through any circumstance on the battlefield.
The French, not to be outdone, have designed a knife to give their soldiers what they need to get through any battlefield experience. It's one attachment folds out into a white flag.

Yes, I know the parent company on this board is French...it's STILL funny. :)

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Our church lost it's preacher and we had to find a new one. Several of the elders got together and started looking. One promising candidate was an older preacher that had great messages. The elders went to hear him preach at another church. His message lasted only 10 minutes and the service was over. They discussed whether that was acceptable, some thought 10 minute sermons were a great idea, others argued it didn't really get the service going. So they decided to hear him a second time. They found out where and when he'd be preaching next and went several weeks later to hear him again.
The second message was superb. Great message, 45 minute sermon, everything went smoothly. So they invited him to preach at our church with the condition that if everything went well, he could be the new pastor.
The next week he came to the church and preached a two hour and 45 minute sermon. The message was brilliant, but it just drug on and on...At the end of the service, the elders called him to the pastor's office and told him, "We love your messages, but can you help us understand the difference in the times of these messages we've heard?"
"Oh yes," he said, "I can explain that. You see the first message you heard, I had just gotten new dentures, and brothers they were a botherin' me something fierce."
"Ok" said one of the elders, "I can understand that."
"The next message," continued the preacher, "They was all worn in and ever'than just flowed out nice."
"Great," said another of the elders, "But two hours 45? That's incredibly long."
"Yessir, sure am sorry about that." replied the preacher, "But you see, tonight, quite by accident, I put in my wife's dentures..."
 
At a wedding, a little girl leaned to her mom and asked, "Why is the bride wearing white?" Mom answered, "White is the color of happiness and this is the happiest day of her life!" A few minutes later, the little girl leaned over again and asked, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

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When the Sunday school class was asked what Jesus had said about marriage, one little boy said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."

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If it weren't for marriage, most men would go through life thinking they had no faults.
 
Walking down the steet the other day I saw a man wearing a shirt that said "Pain is just weakness leaving your body". So I wound up and slapped him as hard as I could and said, "Thank me for removing some of your weakness."
Two hours later when I woke up in the ER I realized how weak I had been!

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Friend of mine was having trouble with his marriage. He just couldn't commit to one woman and the "boredom" that comes with it.
"So your ideal girl would be like a different person every day and keep your relationship exciting at all times?" I asked
"Yes!" he exclaimed.
"Sybil" I said...
 
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head."
 
I was having breakfast with my granddaughter on President's day and asked her if she knew what day it was.
"Presidents' Day!" she says.
"Do you know what that means?" I asked.
"Yes," she said, "It's the day when the president steps out of the white house and if he see's his shadow, we get another year of BS."
You know it's really painful to have hot coffee come back out your nose...
 
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