You don't know when - lyrics for comment

Whatmysay

Whatmysay

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It has been a while since I have writen any lyrics and i have taken a new a very systematic approach to these words.

I appreciate that without music it is always difficult to get a full understanding. The'Bridge' written does not scan well at all; but it does work as it builds the dyamics. Bad grammer 'done' is intetional.

I am just after response to the words at this point and would really appreciate any thoughts.


Cheers Burt

You don't know when

1
Live like a hostage released
Love like a soldier on leave
Hope until you believe
Go after you make your peace

Ch
Because you don’t know when, you don’t know when,
No you don’t know when you’ll get the chance again
You know someone, family or friend
Something undone too many things unsaid
Because you don’t know when, you don’t know when

2
Dream like a child left to play
Heal like a mother’s embrace
Laugh then laugh again
Forgive till there’s no one to blame

Ch

Bridge
Met an old man on a long train ride, saw the wisdom in his eyes
As he told me the stories of his life
He said “I’ve been a 9 to 5 family man, a cowboy, a gambler on the slides I slid
But I don’t regret a thing I done, only the things I never did”

He said . . . “you don’t know when, you don’t know when
No you don’t know when, you don’t know when”

Ch
Rpt
 
Burt,
Not too bad mate. Rhyming when & friend can be dangerous but it's all a matter of pronounciation really isn't it.
The concepts - hostage, soldier, child, mother, laughter, peace, forgiveness et al are universal & timeless.
The only quibble I have is the bridge: the story has an abstract/anyman, anytime quality then you pin it down & give it a "the Gambler"ness - meeting an old fella on a trail ride & him telling you his life story.
the metre etc can be manipulated by the singer so you can build as you say.
Personally I'd try to retain the timelessness of the verse & chorus rather than pin it down as you've done.
 
Thanks Ray

Yes I get what your saying, my concern was that it needed a grounding after as you say 'everymaness' of the Vs & Ch. I also worry that the 'voice' of the song could get a bit direct and lack emotion if it was to cotinue into a bridge.

I had considered going back and writing the verses along the 'old man on a train' narrative.

I play around with it, perhaps there is 2 songs in there

Cheers

Burt
 
My 2 cents,

The existing two verses use imagery that speaks to the future. It seems to me that it could use another verse that puts some reality behind "you don’t know when"

You might try doing this with a chorus, 2 verses, chorus, bridge, verse, chorus sequence. Try it and see.

I believe it's a bad idea to use rhyming inconsistently. I always find it detracts from the quality of the work. Whatever you decide to do about rhymes, make it consistent.

If you substitue "hustler" for "gambler" you get a sequence of a provider, a loner, and someone who lives on the support of others. just a thought.

I think "the slides I slid" seems forced.
 
Cheers Milnoque I think the suggested structure could be interesting, but I after something a bit more commercial

Agree with the forced line on 'slid' (but it was going to be accompanied by a bit of country slide guitar) tinkered with these 2 options below - I think I like 1st option more as it goes against the expected, but perhaps too much for popular appeal?

Thanks Shankapotomus, really tried with Vs - glad they don't appear overworked

Cheers

Burt

1
Bridge
Met an old man on a long train ride, saw the wisdom in his eyes
As he told me the stories of his life
He said “I’ve been cowboy, been a 9 to 5 had some wives and a kid
But I don’t regret a thing I done, only the things I never did”

or

2
Met an old man on a long train ride, saw the wisdom in his eyes
As he told me the stories of his life
He said “I’ve been cowboy, been a 9 to 5 a full life I've lived
But I don’t regret a thing I done, only the things I never did”
 
The bridge reminded me of this for some reason...

(John Mellencamp/George M. Green)

On a Greyhound thirty miles beyond Jamestown
He saw the sun set on the Tennesseee line
He looked at the young man who was riding beside him
He said I'm old, kind of worn out inside
I worked my whole life in the steel mills of Gary
And my father before me I helped build this land
Now I'm seventy-seven and with God as my witness
I earned every dollar that passed through my hands
My family and freinds are the best things I've known
Through the eye of the needle I'll carry them home

CHORUS
Days turn to minutes
And minutes to memories
Life sweeps away the dreams
That we have planned
You are young and you are the future
So suck it up and tough it out
And be the best you can

The rain hit the old dog in the twilight's last gleaming
He said son it sounds like rattling old bones
This highway is long but I know some that are longer
By sunup tomorrow I guess I'll be home
Through the hills of Kentucky 'cross the Ohio Rive
rThe old man kept talking 'bout his life and his times
He fell asleep with his head against the window
He said an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind
This world offers riches and riches will grow wings
I don't take stock in those uncertain things

CHORUS

The old man had a vision but it was hard for me to follow
I do things my way and I pay a high price
When I think back on the old man and the bus ride
Now that I'm older I can see he was right
Another hot one out on Highway Eleven
This is my life, it's what I've chosen to do
There are no free rides, no one said it'd be easy
The old man told me this, my son, I'm telling it to you

CHORUS
 
If it is evoking that ‘neck of the woods’ for you then I’m pleased because this is where the style of music lives as well.
Real life story though for me – spent many hours on trains between Bathurst (NSW) and Sydney while I was at college. Nearly every journey resulted in a meeting with someone with a story or some words of advice.
In fact I could probably write an album worth based on these trips and meetings, at least a couple of songs.
Cheers for the comparison.
Burt
 
Hong Kong via Sydney eh...

Think I've been to Bathurst just once, long ago.... and forgot to drive down Conrod Straight...

Oh well..
 
Good stuff, Burt!

<i>Dream like a child left to play
Heal like a mother’s embrace
Laugh then laugh again
Forgive till there’s no one to blame</i>

Very original. Nothing in the lyrics are cliches.

I look forward to hearing this soon.

Hope your trip went well.

Cheers,
Joseph
 
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