Where am I going with this?

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Chris Shaeffer

Chris Shaeffer

Peavey ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here's the start of a new one that has me a little tense. I sometimes wonder if my words get across anything close to what inspired them.

If you have a moment, take a quick read and tell me what the song seems to be about.

Thanks,
Chris.

"Mute"

I've almost finished moving into my new place
Its small but big enough for me
Still a few boxes to unpack and dishes in the sink
But there's no one to be bothered by it but me, now.

But I'm no virtuoso rising high above rest
My voice sounds so thin to me alone

I long to hear us sing a song
That tells me that there's nothing wrong
And everything we've done we've done right
But those are not the words I hear
In the song that whispers in my ear
That warns me of the coming of the night

I keep saying to myself that I'm not lonely
Even though I often feel alone
I keep saying to myself that I'm not homely
But I still feel like hiding here at home

When I stick my head outside I still hear that song
And raise my voice to greet it all alone

I long to hear us sing a song
That tells me that there's nothing wrong
And everything that I believe is true
What harmony we could weave together
A song that could have lived forever
But while I sing in darkness you stay mute.
 
Great line ..I sing in the darkness you stay mute..Pretty good song ..Sounds like some kind of splitup..Or someone stole your amp:D ..Interesting song none the less..Good luck

Don
 
Well yeah, Gidge, that goes without saying doesn't it? I mean, all modern music is about sex, right? :rolleyes: Isn't that what sells?

Thanks, Don. You're on the money- and thanks for reasurring me that my lyrics aren't completely vague. Too bad, though: now I've got to get a new amp.

Pasta Luego,
Chris
 
Hi Chis.
I 'feel your going,' in a good direction.
You're stating your feelings about someone you miss.
The action of moving is good.
I like the way you used the word 'harmony'.
'Song' could be take literally, song, or a replacement for love. That's good.

Just something that caught my eye,,,,
Between the first verse and second para, the two liner:

,,,,,boxes to unpack and dishes in the sink
But there's no one to be bothered by it but me, now.

But I'm no virtuoso rising hig,,,,

I'd replace the second 'But' with something like, 'though'. Try not to be repeative even on first words, especially, 'and, but, to' words like that.

You have to utilize each word so the listener hears, understands and enjoys the story the song is telling.

Those are some nice lyrics, Chris.
 
Good point about the excessive "buts", badgas.

I recorded a scratch-pad version of it yesterday and today and found that I'm swallowing many of the extra words anyway. The song works just fine without. See?

"Still a few boxes to unpack and dishes in the sink.
There's no one to be bothered by it but me now.

I'm no virtuoso rising high above rest.
My voice always sounds thin to me alone."

Ah, English! Change a few words and rearrange the pucntuation and it drops to a 4th grade reading level! :)
 
For those of you who like a little closure, I posted this tune over in the Clinic. It took a direction of its own, but I'm pretty happy with the tune. :)
 
Hi Chris,
These are great lyrics.
I just took a listen at IUMA.

I didn't want to comment in the Clinic because, well.....
I am still learning a lot about sound. I hope that this is cool with you. I just feel uninformed...ya know?

My comments have more to do with the "feel" of the song.
The music is cool but, I think it does not match the "mood" of the lyric.

This lyric to me seems like a sad one.....
The music is pretty upbeat...ya know?
There are spots in the song where you repeat the last lines....
solefully....sadly....softly.
Now, this is my opinion only but,I feel this is where
you should going with this. Slower and softer....ya know?

Joe
 
Lyric

Before writing a lyric ask yourself this:
What is this lyric for?

Is it
a) For me to brood over.
b) To sell.

If a) - your lyric is superb. Don't change a thing!

If b) - It's already been done - in 1927 - a masterpiece of lyricism & music - the song?
Are you lonesome tonight.


And by writing just the title I've summed-up your whole lyric. Now, don't write about 'you', write about your 'audience', ask them if they have the same feeling(s) as you.....

Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight?

Get the idea?

When I write a song it must have instant 'audience appeal', if in doubt I drop it like a hot brick. If I performed a song that had no 'appeal' I'd get no work in the pubs (bars?). I write to sell. Try it, it really hones you in on good lyricism & tunewriting. At firstwrite only songs that u can perform alone. That too is a great 'training' concept - just u, on a stage, with (perhaps) a guitar. Think about it.

Meanwhile - write on, best regards,
rhs2000
 
Thanks for the comments!

Joro: That's the kind of feedback I was looking for. I was a bit worried about that. All of the folks around me who know the context of the song understand why I wrote it that way, but I was wondering if it would make any sense to someone who doesn't. I was trying to put a bummer of a subject into a positive light. (Been depressed about the divorce for too d@mn long!)

In my mind the emotion of the song exists on the edge between being in the darkness and just about to come out of it. If that doesn't come across to the listener, though, it doesn't work. Hmnm...I'll have to think about how to address that.

Add that I have 2 other layers of meaning that I was purposely writing into the song and I've got quite a dilema to chew on. I love writing in layers.

Thanks for the listen, Joro. I really appreciate your input and time.

rhs: Good comments. I don't typically write with selling in mind simply because I don't think I'm a great judge of what would sell. :) I wouldn't want to edit what might be a good song because I think no one else will like it. What do I know? Its a good idea to think about, though: I can see how it would shift your perseptive while writing.

Funny you mention performing a song with just myself and maybe a guitar. All of my songs live or die by that test. If I can't play it with just the acoustic and myself I typically don't finish it. The songs may become something else when I record it, but they all start there.

Do I really have to worry about a competing with a song written in 1927? Or repeating feelings that have already be cast in song? I see your point, but I'm not quite sure how I should take it. It seems like every pop song on the market comes from the same mold and its not so much what subject you are presenting but how you present it. At least I think that's what you are talking: that this subject is more marketable by speaking in terms of "you" instead of "I".

Thanks for the thoughts. :)

Chris
 
??

Quote:
Its small but big enough for me
Still a few boxes to unpack and dishes in the sink
But there's no one to be bothered by it but me, now.

Were you a fly on the wall when my ex and I split up????
 
Hey, Old Guy.

No, but I wish I was a fly on the wall when my ex and I split up. :rolleyes:

Divorce is such a lovely thing. This song is kinda my bow to the funk that I've been in for the past (sigh) year.

Thanks for mentioning it. I'm glad that something in the song was recognizable to you.

Take care,
Chris
 
Song motivation

Chris,
I suspected a home trauma - divorce - as the lyric motivation. I too travelled the path twenty years back.
It passes - you meet someone new - then your writing will adopt a positive slant.

Tonight, underneath the stars above,
come, again, with me my love.
Let me take what I'm dreamin' of,
in our night heaven of love.

(M8)
Take a chance with me.
Dance with me.
Romance with me,
in our heaven of love.

(last V)

Then, your face smiles aglow,
with the secrets only lovers know.
Your eyes; with the peace of a dove,
close - in our heaven of love.

(m8)

Done to a strict tempo beguine (the beat's a bit Italian - like It's now or never) Dead simple, easy chords & tune, goes great live.
(Copyright D.B. 2001/2002)

The trauma of divorce cuts deep. While in that 'mood' here's a concept, a very deep one.

(Country sound, simple major chords - think Don Williams)


I sit by the grass where troubles ease,

For there's a rose in my garden called Peace.


Like a last 'punchline'. Mull it around. See if you can put a lyric all around that 'concept' - it helps to share problems - put them into a song, the effect will startle even you - the writer.

Cheers all,
rhs2000
 
Christmas lyric

Dear All,
In UK this Christmas there were (far as I know) no 'new' remarkable Christmas songs. I recorded one, but my stuff is for me to do live, not for any recording Co. to make mega bucks from!
If you do a live act with a box (guitar) here's a Chrissy song that is easy peasy, yet has a mega punch at the end - it kinda brings the audience 'to you' in a way.

(Country sound & chords - think Don Williams - Jim Reeves etc.)


Grandchildren are sleeping waiting the day,
dreaming of snowflakes, a bell on a sleigh.
Children have flown, there's only we two,
another lonely Christmas in blue.

(M8)

Hold me tight, don't let go,
thru' night wind and snow,
maybe my dreams will come true,
this lonely Christmas so blue.

(another verse similar to first)

(M8)
Hold me tight, don't let go,
thru' life's wind and snow,
maybe my dreams will come true,
this lonely Christmas so blue.

(Then the ending which is M8 format)

(Crescendo - lift it a bit)

Hold me tight while the angels sing,
in your arms I'm a king,
all of my dreams have come true,
now that my Christmas is you.

It's easy to 'point' this last line or two directly at the audience, I've had 'em crying their eyes out with this one!

Corny, daft, and you gotta be old (like me) to do it. But it hits the mark live!

twenty years back I, like Chris, was a divorcee, I repeat, it passes, I've been (relatively!) happy the last twenty years with second wife - I just thought of us this Christmas and bingo! a little act filler - the wife cried her eyes out when she heard it first time - Chris - use the 'mood' to write! Once it's gone it's gone for ever!
The single thing that 'sells' music is emotion. Convey that - happy or sad - to an audience, and you got it made!
Cheers all (Merry Christmas!!!!)
rhs2000
 
Chris, I like "Mute" - I think you're saying a lot in a low-key way - and not spelling out too much - so lots of people can apply it to their personal experiences.

rhs2000, how much time do you spend in front of the mirror daily? Sheesh - you really think you're something, don't you? If you're so hot to post your crappy lyrics, start your own thread.

Don't know how you have the guts to post that junk on the same page as "Mute" - you must be so busy admiring yourself that you can't see anything else.

Good luck with the song Chris!

later --Tyler
 
TyleDude said:
Chris, I like "Mute" - I think you're saying a lot in a low-key way - and not spelling out too much - so lots of people can apply it to their personal experiences.
Click to expand...

Whoa! Thanks, Tyler! You might not have know it, but that is a very high compliment to me. I love to write lyrics that "say a lot in a low-key way" and spend quite a bit of effort to get them "low-key." I do that because I want to have my meaning in there but also let other people resonate with it in their own way.

To have you see that just tickles me pink. Makes my day. :)

rhs: Thanks for the reminders that the divorce crud passes.

You are quite right that I should use the 'mood' to write. I can hardly believe how much I have been writing and recording! Its not all sappy "I'm hurt!" songs, either. ;) I really kinda feel alive again. Its a good time to write, and I've already got another tune in the works.

Thanks for all the comments, Gentlemen.
Chris
 
Hey Chris,

I like the song. It has a great lyrical flow to it. I especially like the imagery in the line-

"In the song that whispers in my ear
That warns me of the coming of the night"

Not trying to bring up any bad memories here, but obviuosly the time you are going to miss your lossed love one is when you are in your bed at night alone, at night. It's almost if the silent song is preparing you for one more lonely night. This imagery came off very clear to me and I have been happily married now for 2 years, so that is preatty cool.

Also I really related to your advise to Jimini2001 in the "writers block" block thread I see song writing that exact same way. Thanks for sharing!

Matt
 
Lyrics

Nice one Chris!

And good to learn that the big D is actually passing! I post my 'crappy' lyrics (Tyler) to help someone else. If I'm living off this 'crud' think what Chris can do with his work!

And - can't you feel the sheer confidence in Chris' last post? He's writing & recording loads.

Chris, do you actually perform the songs anywhere - I mean for $, or do you record professionally?

What you or anyone thinks of a tune or a lyric is unimportant. Try doing a few with an audience. That is the acid test.

Oh, after fifty I've never bothered with mirrors! But, literally, at the drop of a hat (that's how it is with the 'live' scene here in G.B. at moment) I've got to get up in front of a crowd that I don't know with just a simple accy box and my headfull of songs.

I can do it.

The moment I can't say that I'll have to pack it in.

All entertainers have the same 'confidence' prob. Let it beat you, (i.e., say 'I can't write a lyric' or 'I can't get up there and sing') and that's it. End of story.

How many songs have you written, orchestrated, recorded the backing, carted to a venue, (in a Rolls-Royce) set-up, then after all that, performed, Tyler? And for how many years?

rhs2000
 
Hey rhs!

Communication on the web is always a little hairy. I've spent a fair amount of time with folks from England, however, (I'm American) and I recognized your method of speech in your writing. You may not know it, but some English communication habits can sometimes seem slightly egotistical to American readers. I certainly didn't take it that way. I'm glad that you are sharing your perspective and experience.

I visited your website, by the way, and see that you do indeed make your living in creativity and writing. That's what the posts with your lyrics reminded me of: creativity is easy if you just let it flow naturally. You can always edit later if you just let it out in the first place. I needed to hear that- at least that's how I interpreted your message. Thanks.

I don't actually perform much for audiences that don't know me, but I do occasionally and its always interesting to see what people respond to. Most of the tunes that I am recording at the moment are one that have gotten good responses from at least a few different audiences. (With 55 or so songs to chose from it isn't hard to pick a few winners.)

I don't record professionally, either. I'd like to, and I help friends record their stuff, but I think that my hearing is too poor to make a go of it. A lot of capital to invest, too.

Good news is that a budy and I are in the process of putting together an accoustic set and we're going to see how well it goes over. I'm recording some of my best songs to make a CD to sell off the stage, so I may be making a little money at it shortly. If it doesn't go over well I won't be crushed. ;)

No big rush or deal. Just starting to dabble my toes in the water to see how it feels...

Take care,
Chris
 
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