rayc
retroreprobate
Yes & No.
Stairway to Heaven doesn't work if you "Listen very hard" but it sounds pretty for the most part (Does anyone remember laughter? I laughed!).
Almost Blue & So Like Candy by Declan McManus sound brilliant & read very well. The latter being a bitter, vengeful & brutal dismissal that is not unlike the OP's theme BUT is also true to the regret, hurt and longing that happens after one passes 25 or so years of age - something the OP hasn't broached.
The OP's lyrics read as catharsis poetry that has been rerendered in a patois that isn't convincing.
Mind you there's some potential in lines like:
Baby by the way forgot to tell ya bye,
Might just reminisce the bliss b’for I let em fly,
as in
Baby by the way,
I forgot to say goodbye.
I might just reminisce the bliss,
Before I pass them by.
But the patois of the original doesn't work, nor the spelling - you may as well have used text spelling:
bA B bI th wA 4got to tell y bI,
etc.
The principal problem I have with the lyric, however, is the large representation of false or poor rhymes. It speaks loudly that the piece needs more work after letting it sit for a while.
I LOVE the written word, I love it even more when it's sung with an effective/appropraite melody.
I'm showing my pubescent propensity for poetry perhaps?
Don't take me alliteratively please!
Stairway to Heaven doesn't work if you "Listen very hard" but it sounds pretty for the most part (Does anyone remember laughter? I laughed!).
Almost Blue & So Like Candy by Declan McManus sound brilliant & read very well. The latter being a bitter, vengeful & brutal dismissal that is not unlike the OP's theme BUT is also true to the regret, hurt and longing that happens after one passes 25 or so years of age - something the OP hasn't broached.
The OP's lyrics read as catharsis poetry that has been rerendered in a patois that isn't convincing.
Mind you there's some potential in lines like:
Baby by the way forgot to tell ya bye,
Might just reminisce the bliss b’for I let em fly,
as in
Baby by the way,
I forgot to say goodbye.
I might just reminisce the bliss,
Before I pass them by.
But the patois of the original doesn't work, nor the spelling - you may as well have used text spelling:
bA B bI th wA 4got to tell y bI,
etc.
The principal problem I have with the lyric, however, is the large representation of false or poor rhymes. It speaks loudly that the piece needs more work after letting it sit for a while.
I LOVE the written word, I love it even more when it's sung with an effective/appropraite melody.
I'm showing my pubescent propensity for poetry perhaps?
Don't take me alliteratively please!