"Waterfall" Please Critqiue

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Greykitkat36

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Waterfall

The rain's flood through
The sun beyond the clouds
This storm, it brews
And falls upon this crowd

Puddles and drains
Soak up this transgression
Blood runs through my veins
A deep, painful depression

Chorus:
Tell me before I'm gone
Wash away this storm
Keep the sun shining through
Keep the babies warm

Watch it pour upon us
Hear it burn our mind
Let us discuss
Where we will Bide

The oceans blue,
The hazy afternoon
Let the children through
Before the end of the monsoon

Chorus

Man in the street
Trees in the wind
The smell of deceit
The thought of a grin

How is this so?
The flood of a town
So long ago
Where everyone drowned
And the town full of woe

When their done,
Their ashes turn to dust
Always on the run
Nothing's ever enough


Outro
 
I have tried a couple of times but got booted off for whatever reason?

I'll give it another shot.
 
My two cents:

Greykitkat36 said:
Waterfall

The rain's flood through
The sun beyond the clouds
This storm, it brews
And falls upon this crowd

The first lines are awkward.
Fro the get go is line 1 a typo? Should it be "the rain's flooding.." or the "The rains flood..". It is also awkward in that rain typically "pours" and doesn't "flood" unless the rain is flooding the streets or something like that.

The first 3 lines start with Th...... To shake it up a bit I would change the 3rd line to "As the storm brews and falls....". It os more conversational and flows better.


Puddles and drains
Soak up this transgression
Blood runs through my veins
A deep, painful depression

Is this a personal mood? If so, personalize this a little by calling it "my" transgression instead of "this" traansgression. It will draw the listener in more.

What does blood in your veins have to do with your depression. This line sounds like it was forced in to rhyme with drains.

Chorus:
Tell me before I'm gone
Wash away this storm
Keep the sun shining through
Keep the babies warm

Waitaminute. Is it raining or is the sun shining through??? This verse confused me.

Watch it pour upon us
Hear it burn our mind
Let us discuss
Where we will Bide

Curious choice of "Hear it burn our mind" instead of "Feel it..." Don't know what you are going for.


The oceans blue,
The hazy afternoon
Let the children through
Before the end of the monsoon

You lost me here. Is it a hazy afternoon or are we in a monsoon? What children? Through to where?

Chorus

Man in the street
Trees in the wind
The smell of deceit
The thought of a grin

You lost me even more. What does any of this have to do with anything that has gone before.


How is this so?
The flood of a town
So long ago
Where everyone drowned
And the town full of woe

When their done,
Their ashes turn to dust
Always on the run
Nothing's ever enough

I don't know where you are going with these last two verse.
Click to expand...


You need to retool this one Grey.

Although storm is an overly used metaphor it works, but you need to develop and keep your focus on this. You are all ove rthe place talking about a storm, a hazy afternoon, a monsoon and keeping the sun shinig through.

I don't know what you are trying to tell me. Sometimes I can be thick, but I ain't gettin this.(Then again, I have no clue as to what "A Horse With No Name" is all about, but it's a great song. So what do I know?)

Keep at it and get to rewriting. This is where you really hone your craft as a songwriter.

Good Luck and keep writing.
 
Thanks for your comments. Im only 14, so its hard to really have something good to write about. Try critiqing this, because everyone tells me its good but I dont know.

"Gargoyle"


Cold and alone,
Your head buried down
Your still as a stone
With a blank staring frown
Stood apart, completely prone
Up above a decaying tone

Your eyes,
A bone chilling grey
Fixed on one dream
A dream so array
Clouds overhead
You seem so dead
The rain has cut you
But you've never bled


Look at your face,
A deep holy white
Pale and weary
Silent as night
Cold and stressed
It just didn't seem right
But you've been alone
All your life

Your hands,
Cold like the wind
Shivering darkness
Glooms overhead
Blue as the sea
Lost as the dust
Long Like a tree
But You Seem Rough Enough
 
Too cryptic. Especially the first song, but the second song too.

Many of the lines are interesting, but they don't add up to a unified feeling or idea, not even an abstract one.

Song lyrics are different than poems in that the reader can't sit down with it and go over it again until he/she gets it. They should communicate something immediately. So think about what you want to say, and then actually say it.
 
Yup.

And your lyrics should go somewhere. It doesn't necesarrily have to be a "story song", but verse 2 should never say all the same stuff you said in verse 1. It should further the ideas of the song in some way.


A
www.aaroncheney.com
 
Hey Grey:

Only 14 huh? Welcome to the board. By listening and learning and reading on this board you will sharpen your skills at a young age. Good Luck and Good Choice.

Let's go to "Gargoyle"

The lyrics are nice enough and you paint a vivid image, but.....you stop it there. If I wanted a description of a gargoyle I would buy a picture and hang it on the wall.

What does the "gargoyle" say to you ans what is it that you want to share with your audience. Quite frankly a description of an object(even an interesting one like a Gargoyle) is flat and doesn't connect with anyone, unless you make it mean something.

What kind of mood or feeling does the gargoyle evoke in you that makes you want to share it with others. Does it suggest a mood of loneliness? mystery? what has this gargoyle's eyes seen? a city going to ruins, perhaps? people changing year by year? Does it evoke an era gone by?

For your first assignment listen to a DOn McLean song called Vincent(or Starry Night). He is describing a famous painting by Vincent Van Gough called Starry Night(which you can probably donload from the internet, just type in Starry Night in your browser). In addition to a description of the object he assigns a state of mind and a mood to it which connects with a listener.

This is the type of song, I think you are going for here.

Let's see the repost in a different thread.

Good Luck.
 
thanks. i will retool it. But, my true work is this: Try and critique it. I think I did a good job of writing it. It may possibly be my best song

"Dangerous Hours"

Tell me, man
Tell me about the past
From when the earth was flat
To the very last.......

Moments,
Dont they just tick by
One by one
Your lost in the thought

Chorus:
When the sun is sinking
You stay to watch the rain
No need to think about it
When it's gonna rise again

Play your cards
The best that you can
When your gone
They'll be all you ever had

Take life for granted
The worst thing you could do
Empty grave is all you got
Even when greed is all your taught

Chorus

14 min. Jam
 
cool

im not much for critiquing lyrics...i feel that lyrics should be inmspiration and its not really my place to tear them up. i was happy to see the 14 minute jam in there esp. since your 14...im 15 and in pretty much the only band that iv heard close to my age that jams...and defintaly the only band that will do it live. its good to see that there are ppl out there close to my age that know that music can stretch further than whats on trl and other mainstream industries that play music (well they call it music but about 90% of the kids my age that i know look at images and catchyness but could care less about the music and originality)...i could prolly type for hours about the way i feel about the musical world these days. anyway, good luck with your music...sounds good from what iv heard
 
Re: cool

guitarfrk99 said:
im not much for critiquing lyrics...i feel that lyrics should be inmspiration and its not really my place to tear them up. i was happy to see the 14 minute jam in there esp. since your 14...im 15 and in pretty much the only band that iv heard close to my age that jams...and defintaly the only band that will do it live. its good to see that there are ppl out there close to my age that know that music can stretch further than whats on trl and other mainstream industries that play music (well they call it music but about 90% of the kids my age that i know look at images and catchyness but could care less about the music and originality)...i could prolly type for hours about the way i feel about the musical world these days. anyway, good luck with your music...sounds good from what iv heard
Click to expand...

Thanks man. Yea, we love to Jam. all our soings are longer than 6 minutes. We model ourselves after bands like DMB, Phish, Widespread Panic, Allman Brothers, grateful dead, Pink Floyd, Zeppelin and so forth.
 
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