Wanted to write a song that made use of HEAVY repitition... too much?

L

lend_me_talent

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Verse 1
Sorry that you only almost know
what to make of me
that I can only almost be
What you want me to be
And that shell will almost fit
but not quite
The collar is a little tight
Like a hangmans noose
wish that you could understand
How much it hurts to lose
Something so precious
Over a choice I never got to choose
If only I could want to be
The man from your childhood fantasies


Verse 2
I can only be your almost
Almost made peace last forever
Life almost worked out perfectly
That picket fence was almost built
Too bad roses dont almost wilt
And love is always all or nothing
But this battered, bleeding man
ain't broken
someday soon he'll raise a toast
In honor of this time when
Love broke him......almost


I didn't put a chorus because my intention was to incorporate the chorus in with the song. Yeah its a weird idea, just trying something different.
 
Ok...ya lost me...I dont get a feel for repetition here.

I do however REALLY like the 1st verse. The way it flows, phrasing, the idea behind it...the best I think Ive seen you post.

The 2nd verse lost me at the 2nd line...it doesnt seem to flow right for me and the idea seems to take a 90 turn from the 1st verse. Its not that its bad...theres some good lines...it just starts talking about picket fences and roses not wilting and I got confused heheheh.

Also...could be way off here but...is this to music yet? have you timed its length? seems like it might be a tad short...really depends on what youre doin with it so I could be way off. The 2nd verse is definately shorter then the first...hows that work?

Nice start! I'd do some judicious rewriting on that 2nd verse personally...something that can follow the quality of the 1st.

JMHO :)
 
The word almost I used it a ton of times

"Its not that its bad...theres some good lines...it just starts talking about picket fences and roses not wilting and I got confused heheheh."

The 2nd verse is supposedly an expansion on the first the picket fence line was in reference to the old stereotype about settling down and putting up a picket fence.

"too bad roses dont almost wilt"

this line was a lead in to the next line

"love is always all or nothing"

basically what I was trying to say was either a flower is wilted or it ain't just like love- either your in love or you ain't

the song was basically about a guy who loved a girl and a girl who loved the guys potential, but wanted to change him into something else.

thanks for the comments I will do some rewriting.
 
Seems like it needs a hook. Repitition may not seem creative, but folks like it. Maybe a chorus that goes the other way. Not about how SHE didn't love him enough but about how HE didn't love her enough. Otherwise another verse like the first two gets a little narcissistic and oh woe is me.

But then I never published anything.
 
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