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Manslick

Road
in the hall of rusted gold is a fresh photograph
of me and love from long ago
it looks as good as new in the dim moonlight
i hope its not a fright

on the wall hangs guitars
rock tools that forged our age
they gleam like showgirls
thru the turned page

silent instruments abhor a sound
the strings are taut to teach the still
how to not be loud
to be a compliant crowd

i want to smash them all to dust
and stomp the shards until i bust
sweep it all into the fire
watch it fly into my ire

the hall is dark right now
my fav place to be
in here i wont bow
i promote me
 

YellowDwarf

Dismember
Hey Manslick,

I like this. It's not finished but you've created some great visuals with "silent instruments" and "gleam like showgirls" (I personally think that showgirls glitter, not gleam!).

And of course "
the hall of rusted gold". Because that line tells me that it's an aging rock star (in the hip hop age).

But there are things you can do to make the lyrics more powerful, for example the strings are taut could be dusty strings are taut (oh I thought you meant taut as in tight, not taut as in taught!).

You've got a great beginning but you need to focus where you're going with this song. Why does this guy have dusty guitars and gold records? Why are they silent? What happened to him? Why does he want to smash them all to dust?

The last stanza doesn't fit at all but that's ok, delete and move on.

I like your stuff, it sometimes needs a bit of focus and time for everything to fit together. My own lyrics can take months to put together.

Thanks for sharing,
Timbo

 

Manslick

Road
Hey Timbo thanks for posting.
This was a mind puke triggered by the glint of a guitar pickup as I was passing that night.
The one thing I do remember pondering was the word taut.
It seemed in the moment to be appropriate that taut strings would be stoic. It's hard to explain these things that come as free associations.
The next morning I thought WTH? Gold doesn't rust, so I'm happy that you made better sense of this than I.
Funny, that last part made more sense to me that any of it.
:)
 
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