Time stands still, as hours pass

B

Brad_g

New member
this is a song i just wrote for my band! tell me what you think! the verses are screamed and chores is mostly singing!


Time stands still when your lost in dying hope

my strength is drained without the chance of cope

i face this day expecting all the same

i just dont know how much more i can take



these words aren't enough to justify

the words i want say right now

these words aren't enough to justify

the words i want say right now, are you listening


Unable to push past thoughts of you

my nights consumed with nothing but this truth

the pillows stained with tears washing away

i just dont know how much more i can take



these words aren't enough to justify

the words i want say right now

these words aren't enough to justify

the words i want say right now, are you listening
 
cool song. it's kinda short i think but all depends on how you'll sing it.

any where i can listen to your band? myspace, purevolume ... ?
 
Good start

Brad_g said:
this is a song i just wrote for my band! tell me what you think! the verses are screamed and chores is mostly singing!


Time stands still when your lost in dying hope

my strength is drained without the chance of cope

i face this day expecting all the same

i just dont know how much more i can take



these words aren't enough to justify

the words i want say right now

these words aren't enough to justify

the words i want say right now, are you listening


Unable to push past thoughts of you

my nights consumed with nothing but this truth

the pillows stained with tears washing away

i just dont know how much more i can take



these words aren't enough to justify

the words i want say right now

these words aren't enough to justify

the words i want say right now, are you listening
Click to expand...


I like the word play in the chorus. The verses need work. Your story/message should be good whether it's screamed or whispered. The second line in verse one is particularly cumbersome. The second verse I like much more than the first. You might try dropping "nothing but" from the second line. It will read easier and the meaning doesn't change. Line four is a cliche that rubs me wrong but that's just a personal thing. Good start. Don't be afaid to rewrite. Dave
 
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