Thoughts?

T

theadslguy

New member
I'm not used to doing this, but I'm finding I need people to edit my stuff lately. I'm more on the side of writing poetry, but lately I've been getting into writing more and more songs, as I've been playing guitar with a fellow co-worker. I decided to try to write something a little John Mayer-ish. More of a story, making sure I wasn't writing as myself.

A little setup is, the song is about a father who left his family and now he regrets not spending more time with his daughter. I've since taken the song and am now working on a concept album about the girl.

Anywhere here it is, any thoughts would be good.

By the time you get this letter
I wonder what you will look like
The life of a past i never should hide

Wished I'd seen you last time
Maybe things would've been different
I don't know how to explain it
The times I've wanted to stop and talk
But I just don't know how to find the words to say I'm sorry

The way you looked that day
Will stay with me for as long as I can remember
The tears I tried to fight, ran away anyway

Wished I'd seen you last time
Maybe things would've been different
I don't know how to explain it
The times I've wanted to stop and talk
But I just don't know how to find the words to say I love you

Dissapointment in me must be high
I wouldn't blame you if it was
You don't know me, nor I know you
The life you must lead now
Is probably much better than the one
That I would've given to you

The words I'm sorry can never be enough
I don't know what to say anymore
I hope you forgive me and remember me
As I remember you

Wished I'd seen you last time
Maybe things would've been different
I don't know how to explain it
The times I've wanted to stop and talk
But I just don't know how to find the words to say I love you
 
Hi Nick,

I like it. There is an appealing straightforwardness in your lines that makes the listener trust the character who sings it.

A few little things:

"Ran away anyway" is a bit awkward to say/sing.

"Disappointment....must be high". A bit clinical and stilted, especially given the heartfelt overall feel of the song, and the line following: "Wouldn't blame you..." somehow doesn't make sense to me given that the father seems well aware of his own ways.

Finally, the lines about "the life you are living now...." to me feels like too easy sentimentality, but more importantly, undercuts what I feel is the dignity of the character. If you started with "Don't know if...." and so on, I think it would be more in line with the way the song has presented the lead so far.

I was thinking of music while reading your lyrics, and they could definitely lend themselves to a big sprawling ballad that could build, turn at the end, and have a quiet finish. Nice job.

Best,

CC
 
Thanks for the thoughts and good comments. I haven't done anything to the song since I wrote it about two months ago, but I will definetly work on it some more now. Great suggestions I'll see if I can make it all work.
Thanks again!
 
So I've worked on the song a little, anyone care to go over it a little more and tell me what you think?

Thanks!

By the time you get this letter
I wonder what you will look like
The life of a past I never should hide

Wished I'd seen you last time
Maybe things would've been different
I don't know how to explain it
The times I've wanted to stop and talk
But I just don't know how to find the words to say I'm sorry

The way you looked that day
Will stay with me for as long as I can remember
The tears I tried to fight
Well they ran away anyway

Wished I'd seen you last time
Maybe things would've been different
I don't know how to explain it
The times I've wanted to stop and talk
But I just don't know how to find the words to say I love you

How you must feel about me now
There's a pain that I just can't begin to feel
I know I said I'd come back
I'm sorry I didn't, I really tried
I don't know what the life you live now is like
I can only imagine it's better than what I would've given you

The words I'm sorry can never be enough
I don't know what to say anymore
I hope you forgive me and remember me
As I remember you

Wished I'd seen you last time
Maybe things would've been different
I don't know how to explain it
The times I've wanted to stop and talk
But I just don't know how to find the words to say I love you
 
You might try adding the name of the girl you are talking to or about to the song. That could give it a bit more focus, and perhaps a word to "hook" it on.

Such as, you know, all the gazillion songs named after women/girls...
 
You might try adding the name of the girl you are talking to or about to the song. That could give it a bit more focus, and perhaps a word to "hook" it on.[/QUOTE]

that sounds like a great idea. Make the girl real in your mind, and the song will come together better.
 
Reading things like this makes me glad that I am a happily married man, and I have forgotten how much it hurts to long for someone you let get away.
Nice words, man....

But I agree that it is a bit generic. It needs an identity. You should use her name.
 
hrmmm i had wanted to stay away from an Identity but it just might help out with the other songs that have since stemmed from this song.

Thanks again for the thoughts!
 
Rokket said:
how much it hurts to long for someone you let get away
Click to expand...

yeah, but we really have no control over it. They're gonna leave if they're gonna leave, nothing we can do will keep a person around....

yep. gettin old.
 
Layla Nahar said:
yeah, but we really have no control over it. They're gonna leave if they're gonna leave, nothing we can do will keep a person around....

yep. gettin old.
Click to expand...
I just keep praying I won't find out until I am really old and ready to be worm food!
 
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