The Riot Of 1982

M

Max Mediocre

New member
For me it's almost impossible to tell how a song will turn out without actually hearing it, 'cause pretty much all lyrics look at least kind of stupid on paper. I mean, even most Dylan or Cohen lyrics look kind of silly if you see them without having an idea of the melody. That said, I don't have a recording of this song and I think it would be helpful to get feedback on the words alone. Tell me what you think, guys. Be as brutal as possible, or else I won't get better..

The song's not about a real riot, it's just in a little made up universe of mine.

there's a fire in the schoolyard
all our children are ablaze
crying out for someone
to bury all this pain

there were fires in the churches
now they say our god is dead
they say we're all alone here now
but i still pray at night in bed

there was nothing that could save him
there was a crime and he would pay
they hung him by the courthouse
on our wedding day

and the band played quietly, slowly
some old funeral song for that baby she's holding
and my eyes filled softly and sweetly
i opened them up, said angel this just won't end neatly

so tell me

there's a fire in our hearts, love
and only blood can put it out
and the static on the radio
sounds like hatred and self-doubt

so if love is not the answer
then how can we be set free
and how could you be unfaithful
to a pretty girl like me

she said i've lost my beauty
the way you've lost your heart
i said my father was a drunk
but my mom was joan of arc

-neil
 
Three places really "break the spell" for me, as it were.

i opened them up, said angel this just won't end neatly


The word "neatly" is a major understatement. It kind of gives it a limericky feel (not at all what you're going for, I assume ;)
This line and the line two before it are already a bit long - i.e., they break the flow of reading it - I doubt that would cause much problem when set to music, though. The main thing is just the choice of words. IMHO, it may be worth not rhyming to say something more powerful.


I'm not that familiar with joan of arc (spoke to God, led a crusade, that's all I know), so its quite possible that I'm just missing a reference here. That said, I have no idea what the last stanza means. It takes away the focus from the surreal/post-apocalyptic picture in my mind (which was working for me up to this point).

Bringing it down to a personal level (which may have been your intent here) would probably up the impact of the song as a whole, but here it seems to just take it from aforementioned surreal/post-apocalyptic setting and turn it into a bizzare blues song.

Finally, the line "sounds like hatred and self-doubt". I really like using a simile with "static on the radio," but "hatred and self-doubt" sounds a little cliched. I really don't think this is a big deal, and will probably sound fine in the song, but you said "be brutal":)

I have no idea if my vision of the song matches your intent, but I did get something vivid and interesting out of it. If you're trying to write something fairly open to listner interpretation, I think this has a lot of potential.

Standard disclaimer: Feel free to ignore me - its your song.
 
Good vision - couple very quick notes:

The fire in the school is current
The fire in the church is in the past? It doesn't feel consistent.

I don't understand the line 'said angel this just won't end neatly'
How about 'but my tears were rolling'

I don't understand last few verses at all - where did the love come from? There is a fire, tragedy and then love? Perhaps if:

We had loves fire in our hearts
but then blood put it out
and the static.... (really like those two lines)

You may want to re-think the second to last verse, unless I'm totally missing your message you seem to have moved away from the riot completely here. Perhaps you could keep it personal, as you seem to want to (good idea I think).

... set free
when you won't tell me the reason
you can no longer look at me

Last verse is good - ends the story by making it look like the person hung was the dad who burned the mum. Or the city could be the mum and the drunk the rioters - or I could be trying to jam that jigsaw piece in there :) either way I really like it.


As LfO wisely said - feel free to ignore; it's you song :)
 
There are just a few things that I think of as cliches:

to bury all this pain

sounds like hatred and self-doubt

so if love is not the answer
then how can we be set free

Sometimes, I get the feeling your rhymes are writing the song, rather than the other way around. That line ending in neatly, and the line ending in bed, give that impression. That's really something that probably wouldn't make a difference in the context of a song. Then again the cliches probably wouldn't either. Dylan's "Buckets of rain, buckets of tears" sounds pretty fucking lame outside of the song, but in there its ok.

I honestly can't get into this at all without music. That's not a harsh criticism, since this isn't poetry. I must say that there is a great song waiting in there.

I want to hear it!
 
With the exception of the bounce from the present in the 1st verse to the past in the 2nd verse - I thought the 1st 2 verses were very good. You actually had me locked in and I was looking forward to where the story would go. However from there the story line seems to head in some different directions, which left me confused.

A common challenge songs writers have is with later verses. Often the first and maybe 2nd verse come easy, but then it gets much harder to complete the story with only 1 or 2 verses to go.

It seems to start as a social statement with some powerful images, then it turns into a love song, then it turns into something about lost beauty and perhaps lost innocence. There is no consistent "story line"

I would love to see where you could take this is you followed the theme of the first 2 verses (and decide if the story is in present of past time).
 
Thanks for all the feedback guys, it was really helpful. I took the cliche stuff into consideration, because I hate cliches, and I think I've eliminated most of them. I left the "pray at night in bed" line because I kind of like it, and I couldn't think of anything better. I also kept "angel this just won't end neatly," because I was kind of going for a dramatic understatement, sort of sarcastic at that point. I also kept the past tense in the second verse, 'cause it's meant to imply that the riot's been going on for a while, and all these things have been happening. The fire in the schoolyard is meant to indicate an immediate shock and disgust, while the fire in the churches is meant to indicate a regret of something terrible that's already happened. I kind of liked the combination of the riot theme with the general love and loss and disappointment thing, and I've decided that the chorus indicates a change in perspective, so it first goes 1st person, female, then third person in the chorus, then back to 1st person, but male in the remaining verses. The joan of arc thing I just kind of thought was nifty, and I like it as both a metaphor and as a nonsensical explanation for why the dude in question did the stuff he did. anyway, enough of my rambling. here's the revised song, I added one verse. Tell me what you think.

there's a fire in the schoolyard
all our children are ablaze
standing in the dirty water
ashes mixing with the rain

there were fires in the churches
now they say our god is dead
they say we're all alone here now
but i still pray at night in bed

there was nothing that could save him
there was a crime and he would pay
they hung him by the courthouse
on our wedding day

and the band played quietly, slowly
some old funeral song for that baby she's holding
and my eyes filled softly and sweetly
i opened them up, said angel this just won't end neatly

so tell me

there's a fire in our hearts, love
and only blood can put it out
and there's static on the radio
and i think i hear the shout

of a girl who swears she's dying
not of sickness but of loss
she says the freedom that i've found
comes at too great of a cost

she shouts if love is not the answer
then how can we be set free
and how could you be unfaithful
to a pretty girl like me

and she cries i've lost my beauty
the way you've lost your heart
i said my father was a drunk
but my mom was joan of arc

thanks very much.
neil.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top