The beggar

[Ashway]

He is living from hand to mouth..

He's dragging his home around..

He sits down by the ATM.

He's hoping for some money in his hand.


Last night he stayed in a parking house.

With cops around, chasing like cats and mouse.

And after 5 hours of sleep.

He's right back there on the street.


If I were cold, would you warm me.

If I were a beggar. Would we still be friends.

You may leave my soul. In the (cold sea) (to freeze)

But it's a lot better. To make amends.


As people pass him by.

He's holding up the sign.

Can you spare a dollar or two?

Just so I can get some food.


Now he's no more to be found..

He's buried in the ground.

They found him rapped up by the sea.

Just a few miles from where I live.


If I were cold, would you warm me.

If I were a beggar. Would we still be friends.

You may leave my soul. In the (cold sea) (to freeze)

But it's a lot better. To make amends.


If I were cold, would you warm me.

If I were a beggar. Would we still be friends.

You may leave my soul. In the (cold sea) (to freeze)

But it's a lot better. To make amends.

 

[Ashway]

Could use a bit of help on this.

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

 

[andrushkiwt]

help with what Peter? Your lyrics are your own...if it's a song you're writing, who is to say the lyrics should be this way or that? In regards to songwriting, I recommend hearing a demo before giving any kind of advice... any lyrics can work given they are in a flowing, comprehensible arrangement. Without music, this is poetry. Most ppl here aren't qualified to give poetry advice...songwriting advice, yes, for the most part.

 

[Robus]

Sounds fine. Finish it. Lots of songwriters begin with the lyric, though I've never been able to manage it.

 

[TJW]

Ashway,

Although any words can be put to music, writing a good lyric is as much a craft as it is an art. A typical song might follow this sequence: one or two verses, a prechorus (sometimes referred to as a lift), the chorus. This could be repeated a number of times depending on the length of the song. Often times inserting a bridge near the end of the song, usually before the last chorus. Songs and poetry are absolutely not the same. I have been approached by people who write poetry asking to put there words to music and have had to respectfully decline. However, I have been able to collaborate with many writers who do not play an instrument but understand how to write a well crafted song.

As for your song, You do appear to have a a chorus and verses. I do think however you need to consolidate your verses. Less would for sure be more here. Here are a few other observations, every line in your first verse starts with He; it's a bit redundant especially for an opening verse. Your first few lines are really important. You want to draw your listener in. Also, your rhym pattern changes from verse to verse and is completely absent in others. Try picking a pattern AABB or ABAB and sticking with it throughout. This will mean a pretty evolved rewrite but it will help make your final song more interesting and melodic. Keep writing!

Tom

 

[Ashway]

Gosh, I didn´t see your comments until now. Thank you guys!

Here is the song so far: