Tell me what you think

S

stump

New member
Ok, one of my favorite pastimes is getting totally brutalized by people critiquing my work. It fuels me to work harder and this song is starting to get a little stale... When I wrote it it was the greatest song I'd ever written (or so I thought). But now it's time to put it out there and see how to liven it up again.

Listen

Close your eyes
Sit in the dark
Forget the lies
And just let it start

Maybe if you can just forget for
The night of passion
Calm your nerves quit keeping score in
This fucked up pageant

Listen to me Now
For once in your whole damn life
Listen to me now
Just for one goddamned night

Ambivalence
And consequence
No confidence
In what you meant

Maybe if I can just forget for
This night of passion
Calm my nerves quit keeping score in
This fucked up pageant

Listen to me Now
For once in your whole damn life
Listen to me now
Just for one goddamned night

Take the pill
Let it win
Take the pill
Immasculine sin

Listen to me Now
For once in your whole damn life
Listen to me now
Just for one goddamned night
 
Hi Stump,

It is very difficult to critique any lyric and with your new one here it is really tough due to the fact that the meaning or story may be very well known by you the author but, from the audience's point of view.....I am...well...stumped :D

I sort of get the idea that you are angry at a woman...perhaps a current or ex lover but, It would help if you were more specific and told "the story" a little clearer.

There has always been the issue of whether or not a lyric needs to tell a story...
Personally....I think it is absolutely paramount to communicate clearly.
Of course, if you are promoting a song as the artist yourself, then there is no need to be clear and specific....
There are hundreds of songs which became big hits with vaque lyrics....the artists talents and performance coupled with killer melodies and constant promotion along with strong fan base can make any song a hit song......being good is a relative term and all dependent on the listener...

So....
That said...
I want to wish you luck with your new lyric man...
Write on :D
Joe
 
stump..

Stump I think there great lyrics man would love to hear some heavy crunch behind them...good work man..

*goes to lookup the word "Ambivalence"*

peace
 
Thanks for all your comments guys! Joro you always have great insight... And just if you were curious, the song is written with me talking to myself. So if I say "you" then it actually means me. And, the subject is actually discussing my drug use of the past. Saying "Listen to me now, for just one goddamned night" as a plea to just stay clean through the night, kinda that whole AA thing "one day at a time".... As far as musically the music is very dynamic, that's what I've really been trying to work on recently. The verses are very piano, and the pre-chorus is kinda mezzo-piano, the chorus then moves up to forte, and the bridge is fortissimo and it ends on this huge wall of sound... I'm in the process of trying to record it now, but it's proving more difficult than I thought. The guitar line is very Foo Fighterish, driving and always leading to the next section... Anyway, thanks again for your comments, and I'll post again soon.
 
Hey Stump - better now you've explained it.

I'll try to be as constructive as Joro was - some of it could do with a rewrite to make it a little clearer (well, only IMHO, of course).

Specifically, how does the "night of passion" phrase fit? I appreciate you wrestling with your emotions on a night of cold turkey, but "passion" means something totally different. Anyway, as you asked for input, mine would be to suggest changing that line to something which gives a clearer signpost to what it's about.

On the other hand the "keeping score" phrase has a great double meaning - I like that.

BTW how come we never hear from Stonepiano - I used to enjoy his posts.

Happy New Year
 
i have mixed feelings about the lyrics-many of the lines seem workable by themselves, but not within the stanzas containing them. i think this could definately be workable, but in recording/composing the music, it's going to take a hell of a lot of contemplation to represent what you're really talking about here-serious play with inflection/rythym/dynamics on the vocals could turn what seems somewhat disjointed on paper into something really intense.

i am convinced that you're covering a really heavy, passionate issue here-the trouble is convincing the listener of that-giving them something to hold onto emotionally, or even something to hum to themselves later. there's going to have to be one very passionate, diverse vocal performance with a couple of repeated melodic hooks, music that correlates itself with what you're thinking in each line (via dynamics, backbeat, rythym changeups, etc), or some reworking the song to better reflect what you're saying to an audience that may not know ANYTHING about the situation you're describing.

i run into these same problems frequently in writing-most of the people i know think my work is brilliant, but they know what i'm singing about, largely. i don't buy the "good songwriters write in specifics/generalizations/metaphors/with imagery/with simple lyrics everyone can understand/etc", as i see many different styles of songwriter managing to do work that really moves me. the trick is (in my opinion) to string together ideas in such a fashion that people who have never met you will spin their own story to your lyrics, rather than spend all their lyric processing capacity trying to figure out what you're getting at; and put this down with passion and catchiness that perks the ears of people who don't give a damn what you're trying to say. a little sprinkling of each can make this an extremely workable lyricset.

btw, while i think there is definately work to be done, there are some stronger bits here. the thing that really stands out to me as far as likability is the stanza that begins with "ambivalence"-inflection in the right places can make this very easy to digest meter memorable. the other stanzas vary, but i think you're going to have to stretch syllables, etc carefully to make the other stanzas flow consistently alongside this one.
 
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