Tell Me What You Think

C

CalebMcC

New member
I recently wrote a song about regret and basically the idea that we all have that one thing that we wish we could go back and change. Every guy who has been in love and every murderer both have that one that got away and this song is kinda like that. verses arent done yet, but tell me what you think of the chorus.

You are, the risk i didnt take,
The choice i couldnt make,
and my greatest mistake,
was letting you walk away.
You are, the wound that time cant heal,
the only thing thats real,
and all this pain i feel,
grows with every passing day.

so, comments? praise? insults? criticism? bring it on.
 
I actually like it without the 4th & 8th lines.
The reason: well, the two targetted lines are, in a sense, redundant. Each is an extension of the previous line but the information is already a given. A bit like "the man who needs no introduction" & then introducing him.

You are, the risk i didnt take,
The choice i couldnt make,
and my greatest mistake,
You are, the wound that time can't heal,
the only thing that's real,
and all this pain i feel,

I think you should, in the outro do a little solo figure of the melody from "No Regrets" by Piaf. It's a song about not having regrets but is sung so mournfully, so weighed down by reality that it is, in part, a lie.

A good stanza. Is there more?
 
I agree with Rayc about the redundancy

I'm reading along thinking “yes, tell em off” then WTF the next line is like a cheap trick.

That made me reread the first three lines in fear I misread something.

So I get it, but now I don't care.

In a song it will be different but I think I'd be jarred in a bad way.

Why the trickery? Speak your mind.

A little rearrangement of the lines works much better for me. A little edit too.

You are the risk I didn't take
The choice I couldn't make
And letting you walk away
Was my greatest mistake.

You are the wound that time won't heal
The only thing that's real
And with each passing day
(Tell them how you feel)

Maybe a meter edit on the 4th line.
Seems to need another beat.
Something like :
Was my single best mistake.
Too cute?
 
ok, so, I'm no pro, but I read this late last night, and remembered it tonight. I have a thought that hasn't been brought up, so here goes:
I have doubts that you would know (she's) the only thing that's real, seeing you let her walk away, and didn't seem to have made much of a connection to begin with.
So, here's my spin on the idea of the doubt ensuing, by letting something go that, maybe, could have been amazing...

You are the risk I didn't take
The choice I couldn't make
My regret, my mistake
Brought me to this heartache

You are the wound that time can't heal
Could our love have been real?
Now, all this pain I feel
Is reaching for you, still

Good luck with it.
 
There are interesting bits in all the suggestions above.

I liked Manslick's rendition, except for "was my greatest mistake", and I would have preferred a phrase a bit less usual.

For the same reason, I wasn't keen on the original "was leting you walk away". Curiously, even the the words are nearly the same, I preferred Manslick's "And letting you walk away", probably because of the line reversal.

I prefer lifelyric's "my regret, my mistake" to "my greatest mistake". But I'd still do a scavenge for something other than "mistake".

I like "You are the wound that time won't heal/The only thing that's real", but neither its original nor alternative following lines raise my temperature.

I have to say that my take makes no claim to greatness, but it's another possibility:

You are the risk I didn't take
The choice I couldn't make
My regret, my mistake
I looked a different way

You are the wound that time won't heal
The only thing to stay
When I followed you through time
You looked a different way
 
well, as i most likely forgot to mention in my post, it is still a work in progress, and was basically the result of a quick lyric that came to mind. i do agree with what was said about the 4th and 8th line needing work, altho i dont know that im ready to completely eliminate them as was mentioned above. i will revise it a little as i go over it more and more and put it away for a little while and take it out and look at it again. it will most likely be rephrased and revised and rethought and as a result reposted numerous times
 
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