tell me what you think

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Newbie dude

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Take a listen to Camille's Song. I'm just curious to see people's opinions on it.

In fact, if you want, take a listen to the other two as well.
 
Not bad. A lil predictable but I listened till the end, wich is the first test. Interesting voice. Not brilliant but with a good sound. Some sour tones but not too many.
But you should post the lyrics here as I cant here what sung allthough you sing pretty clear.
 
oh, yeah. I'm defintely made out to be a bckup singer. Uhh....let's see if I can remember the lyrics:

Here’s to the one we call camille
Here’s to the one who made me feel, for the very first time
Here’s to the one who brought out the lighter side of your life
Here’s to the one you can’t quite get
Here’s to the one who made you hit yourself in the mouth
For not knowing the words to say
To make you gravitate to her level, it’s cruel, how one can be so innocent of the crime

But I know she is
So have another round of the ecstasy
She chooses to serve
And just know that
As long as she shares it
You won’t have to suffer the symptoms of withdrawal
Bliss and ignorance
Never seemed to mix well in the blender
Until she came along
And made you think
You were worth a smile, a laugh, the time of day
So here’s to you

Here’s to one with whom you stayed up late
Making you suffer the awful awkwardness of not knowing what to say
Trying to express emotions through binary code never quite worked out
And here’s to the one who made you blurt
Out the things that were never meant to be heard
Interrogative penguins with blue-green horizons uncovering the truth
Ruining suprises of humility

But I know she is
Ignorant of the fact she induces heart attack
Everytime she spares a glance
Across a crowded room
With a million faces from a million places trying their best to squeeze through
One look could tell you
Everything you wanted to know
About what the cloth on your deathbed
Feeels like when lying there
Being tortured by your lost decision
Not acting on
Your impulses to ignite
Into a thousand brilliant flames

Hey camille, here’s to you
You see I, I got nothing better to do
Then think about you all the time
Trying to fit a million thoughts into a rhyme
So if I come off as fake
Don’t be alarmed, I’m just searching for words
I can tie together, to make a verse
That would satisfy my thiirst
To rid myself of this burden

I know, not the best stuff you've ever read. But to be fair, I wrote this, in, like, five minutes. I lost a bet to a girl, so I had to writer her a song.

Oh, and then penguin thing looks stupid, I know, but it's an inside hing sort of.
 
The text is good. Period. But it has weak sides.
The most obvious improvement would to me be to change the line "to rid myself of this burden."
Seems to me this is a sort of "Think I kinda love you from chatting with you over time" text. Correct me if im wrong.
The line "to rid myself of this burden" doesnt seem to be what the singer actually "wants" to express, after reading the rest of the text. I might be wrong.
The verse/chorus? "But I know she is Ignorant of the fact...." seems a little to overdramatic for me.
Else than that I think you have some very interesting pictures and expressions going on there.
I really liked it. Allthough I aint sure about the "singability" of all of it as somethimes I cant hear the rythm of things when it comes down to too many words that has to be sung before the end of the next 4 beats, if you know what I mean.
A rerecord where the text match the sung words 100% and where you try to fix the sung rythm here and there would make it easier to see/hear if every line is perfectly singable in terms of rythm/syllables etc..
The 100% right pan of the guitar is a bad move. Try a lowcut filter instead for a change?
I like it - keep it up.
Cheers
 
Hi,

What interested me was that I read the lyrics first and couldn't imagine how you would sing them - then I clicked the link and was pleasantly surprised.

You have something I think. I liked it. I do think the lyrics need work (but if you really took 5 minutes, that's no suprise!)

One thing. You use "I" in some places and "you" in others - yet I still think you are talking in the first person. It would be stronger if you stick with one or the other. I'd prefer the first person or the third, but that's a personal thing.

When you sing the song, you use simpler lyrics in places than you have written here. IMHO, the simple ones are better, stronger.

You like this girl, don't you? So just say it simply. It doesn't have to be clever. It has to show some emotion is all.

I'd like to hear more :)
 
Well, I was looking for something to end the song, and I'm thinking to myself at the same time, this song is fucking ridiculous. I mean, she's an attractive gir, don't get me wrong, but I don't have any romantic ties to her, and certainly not ones strong enough to write this song where it seems i'm obssessed with her. But I had to write something, cause it was my end of the bet. So I wrote that song.

Thats where the fake-through-burden section comes in.
 
Well, I used to her.

But then she wasn't impressed by my guitar.

That was the end of that.
 
and she licked it

no, at first, i was like, she licked my guitar...thats kinda hot

then on the other hand I was like,....she just fucking licked my guitar. And elixirs were on there at the time.

I dunno....Maybe I'll mess around with her, never talk to her again, write a song about it, and post it on here.
 
I came here for opinions on my song, guys, not on my love life :]
 
Ok sorry. Well the song I have said something about allready. Its just that ......
Well enough said. :rolleyes:
 
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