tell me what you think of these please.

[Axis]

(Verse1)
Tired of waiting for something and knowing
its never gonna come
tired of fearing a new interval
just because i'm young

And i've got no place left for me
can't you see
I'm about to reach the fallout line
and i've never stopped to breathe

(Chorus)

This times the last time
Im gonna wait for you
if you call my name
i'm not gonna come running to you

this is the first time
I've looked ahead
thought about the next day
instead of what we said

(verse2)
memories help me remember
what has passed
pictures remind me of things
that would never last

and my conscience is telling me
I'm not free
can't you help me believe myself
help me stop and breath

(chorus)

(bridge)
Times up for me
Times up for me
times up for me

(solo)

(Chorus) x2


Any opinions however harsh they are, you are welcome to post please just be honest.

 

[JUSTTIGHT]

I am a hip-hop'er fo-life, '

So I'm really into the lyrical aspect of composition. I have to say I like what you had to say, with the right production you may have something

 

[sjjohnston]

I like it. I could see a fairly large number of kind of adolescent/post-adolescent-type listeners saying "Hey, that says what I want to say" and connecting to it personally.

The chorus isn't exactly the most wildly original thought ever recorded in human history, but I think it works quite well. It's the sort of thing that, if you set it to a strong, fairly-simple melody, a lot of listeners would be inclined to sing along with ... which is certainly not a bad thing. The last line of the first stanza looks like it has too many syllables, but maybe it fits the music. If it doesn't fit rhythmically (and don't force it), you could just make it "I'm not gonna come to you."

A few sort of niggling notes:

In the third line, is "interval" the right word?

Similarly, third line of second stanza: "fallout" line?

First line of verse 2, "Memories help me remember" has the potential to sound silly. Maybe it doesn't, if it's delivered right. If you change it, keep the parallelism with the third line, because I like it.