Story of Lies (demo)

[icystorm]

I've been working on a slower tempo ballad for a couple of weeks. Here is a brief demo of the chorus only.

http://www.box.net/shared/kh7cznfbai

I'm still in the process of building a new computer with a much better soundcard, pre-amp, and mixer. That should hopefully fix my EQ probs that some of you have noted. I have a low-quality mic too, but I've taken note of the mics a few of you have and I will be getting a better quality mix soon.

Anyway, the demo should provide a sense of the melody.

I'm primarily interested in any criticism of the lyrics (below).

Ciao,
Joseph

- - - l y r i c s - - -

Story of Lies

Words and music by Joseph Spain
Created with Jamstudio.com 2.3 and Acoustica Mixcraft 4.1
Produced by Joseph Spain
CD: Betrayal
Copyright: Joseph Spain 2008

verse 1

Each star in Heaven shines a light
You're the one adored each night
The love we shared as two best friends
Heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand
Lovers in the sweetest way
Your softest whisper fades away

chorus

Some loves read like a storybook
With all the pages torn and faded
The dreams and castles inside my heart
Live on for you beneath your darkness
The face you wore for the heart you broke
Your promises betrayed and shattered
The end will come as it always does
in your story of lies

verse 2

The flame in you consumes my soul
I breathe for you and wait alone
My heart is fragile in your hands
A lonely light that dims within
Tears fall in the saddest way
The love we shared has slipped away

chorus

Some loves read like a storybook
With all the pages torn and faded
The dreams and castles inside my heart
Live on for you beneath your darkness
The face you wore for the heart you broke
Your promises betrayed and shattered
The end will come as it always does
in your story of lies

chorus

Some loves read like a storybook
With all the pages torn and faded
The dreams and castles inside my heart
Live on for you beneath your darkness
The face you wore for the heart you broke
Your promises betrayed and shattered
The end will come as it always does
in your story of lies

(instrumental fade out)

 

[up-fiddler]

Joseph.

As ALWAYS, I like your vox. Barry Gibbs influence on your music comes through big time in a good way. The only suggestion I would make for the chorus (Which is all we have so far.) is to draw out the first syllable on the word 'Story'. Try singing it "In your stooooooooooooooooooo ree of lies." Many folks would not be able to pull it off but your voice is great for that knid of drawn out syllable. I think it would add more tension and power to the chorus. It also would make the hook stand out a bit more from the rest. Just my thoughts. Post something when you have the full tune sketched out.

Dave's Awesome Blog

 

[icystorm]

Thanks kindly, Dave.

Here's a first take, full demo version with both verses added.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=787980&songID=7038266

Lots of pesky sibilence and clipping, unfortunately.

I am working to learn better production techniques. I hope that 50 percent of my quality issues are related to my equipment, which will hopefully be resolved by Christmas. I've been told that a better mic and a pre-amp will mitigate sibilence, clipping, and volume issues.

I do like your idea about drawing out the word "story" in the chorus. I may try that.

Another issue I am having is with the word "the" in the middle of the chorus at the beginning of the line "the face your wore..." The word "the" is definitely there, but it is crowded a bit to the point of sounding absent.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[ido1957]

Good piece, I like the lyrics, they read well, and have a nice maturity and meter.

The harmonies are working well but the vocals might be a tad loud.

I keep looking for that V chord at the end of the verse or chorus. Maybe it's just my taste but I need more "resolution" or something there

Suggestions:
- keep the acoustic going in between verses (like the intro), to keep the vibe going a little....something to take the place of the frequencies of the vocals.
- work on reducing the sibilance on the vocals

 

[gecko zzed]

Lots of pesky sibilence and clipping, unfortunately.

Another issue I am having is with the word "the" in the middle of the chorus at the beginning of the line "the face your wore..." The word "the" is definitely there, but it is crowded a bit to the point of sounding absent.

I agree with the sibilance . . . a problem made worse by the delay on the vocal which accentuates it.

But . . . I like the song. As usual, you turn out a musically credible piece. The lyrics flow with the music well, and for all the grief embodied in the lyrics, there is a restful tranquility about this song.

Now . . .

onto other things.

The lyrics for the chorus are great. I am not so keen on the verse lyrics, which are a bit too sugary for my taste. But, as I said above, overall, the whole thing hangs together well, so who am I to judge?

You mentioned the crowded 'the'. Yes, I agree with this too. My solution would be to give it, and other first words (e.g. 'the', 'your', 'the'), more weight by hanging them straight off the last word of the preceding line, and giving them a quarter note length instead of an eighth. So you get a sequence of "your darkness the face" as if it was all part of the one sentence instead of a long "darkness" then a brief "the". This, of course, means no room for a breath. I'm sure you could manage.

I would normally agree with ido1957 about keeping the acoustic going. At the moment, its appearance and disappearance adds sonic variety to the piece and prevents the whole thing becoming very samey.

But I agree that the vocal levels could come down a bit. Though I like to hear a vocal line clearly, in this case, their presence is pushing all the other instrumentation back, and some of the interesting things happening there are getting lost.

Throughout the song, the vocal delivery is predominantly da dum da dum. I wonder whether you could mix this up a bit and introduce greater variety in your phrasing?

Anyway, another fine piece.

 

[rayc]

Yeah, spend some energy on the lyrics of the verses - they are a little , well, as Gecko said.
I misread the title after reading your tag - I thought the title was Storm of Lies - I like that line - doesn't fit the narrative though.

 

[icystorm]

Good piece, I like the lyrics, they read well, and have a nice maturity and meter.

The harmonies are working well but the vocals might be a tad loud.

I keep looking for that V chord at the end of the verse or chorus. Maybe it's just my taste but I need more "resolution" or something there

Suggestions:
- keep the acoustic going in between verses (like the intro), to keep the vibe going a little....something to take the place of the frequencies of the vocals.
- work on reducing the sibilance on the vocals

Thanks for listening and commenting, ido1957. On your advice, I reduced the volume on the vocals, but I think I may have gone too far and the vocals now seem a little soft.

I think I'll hold off working on this piece again until I get my new pre-amp and gear setup. Then, I'll re-record the vox.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[icystorm]

I agree with the sibilance . . . a problem made worse by the delay on the vocal which accentuates it.

But . . . I like the song. As usual, you turn out a musically credible piece. The lyrics flow with the music well, and for all the grief embodied in the lyrics, there is a restful tranquility about this song.

Now . . .

onto other things.

The lyrics for the chorus are great. I am not so keen on the verse lyrics, which are a bit too sugary for my taste. But, as I said above, overall, the whole thing hangs together well, so who am I to judge?

You mentioned the crowded 'the'. Yes, I agree with this too. My solution would be to give it, and other first words (e.g. 'the', 'your', 'the'), more weight by hanging them straight off the last word of the preceding line, and giving them a quarter note length instead of an eighth. So you get a sequence of "your darkness the face" as if it was all part of the one sentence instead of a long "darkness" then a brief "the". This, of course, means no room for a breath. I'm sure you could manage.

I would normally agree with ido1957 about keeping the acoustic going. At the moment, its appearance and disappearance adds sonic variety to the piece and prevents the whole thing becoming very samey.

But I agree that the vocal levels could come down a bit. Though I like to hear a vocal line clearly, in this case, their presence is pushing all the other instrumentation back, and some of the interesting things happening there are getting lost.

Throughout the song, the vocal delivery is predominantly da dum da dum. I wonder whether you could mix this up a bit and introduce greater variety in your phrasing?

Anyway, another fine piece.

Thanks for listening and commenting, gecko zzed. As always, your observations are spot on and well taken.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[icystorm]

Yeah, spend some energy on the lyrics of the verses - they are a little , well, as Gecko said.
I misread the title after reading your tag - I thought the title was Storm of Lies - I like that line - doesn't fit the narrative though.

Thank you for listening and commenting, Ray. You're right. The verses are a little on the "high fructose" side, which doesn't bode well for what is supposed to be a melancholy, serious message of gloom and despair.

Perhaps a little less "we used to be heaven and sunshine" and a little more "this is miserably dark and painful" is in order. I'll consider a re-write.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[gecko zzed]

While the verses are a bit on the "high fructose side", I don't think you need to go too far towards the "miserable, dark and painful". If you did you might lose the contrast between verse and chorus.

I think it just needs a slight dilution of the sugar. Remember, the song already sounds okay as it is.

Take the first verse:

Each star in Heaven shines a light
You're the one adored each night
The love we shared as two best friends
Heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand
Lovers in the sweetest way
Your softest whisper fades away


Most is okay, though I would consider a rearrangement. For example, I think "Heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand" is a very neat and tidy line, and, in my view, would make a great opener for the song.

So you could start with the couplet:

Heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand
We shared our love as two best friends.

As a last line, there is a nice double-edged blade in "your softest whisper fades away", which could romantically refer to, say, her dreamy talk as she falls asleep, or more sharply, to the fact that her endearments come less frequently (because something has happened to the relationship). I like the idea of it heralding the tempest of the chorus, so maybe you could consider something along the lines of "her whispered promise fades away", which is a bit more brutal than the original. But it needs to be preceeded with something, and maybe we can be a bit more ambiguous than "lovers in the sweetest way" and go for something like "caught up in a lovers' sway". This has the twin ideas of a couple nestled together, but also of the swaying to and fro of the relationship.

This makes the final couplet of that verse:

Caught up in a lovers' sway
Your whispered promise fades away.

This couplet now has a third interpretation, because it is not explicit which lover is being referred to here, and suggests a third person.

This leaves the middle of the verse, which can be a restatement of the original opening couplet, but with a bit less of the 'Heaven' and 'adoring':

We counted stars, those diamonds bright
But each a shadow in your light

This gives us a six line verse of:

Heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand
We shared our love as two best friends.
We counted stars, those diamonds bright
But each a shadow in your light
Caught up in a lovers' sway
Your whispered promise fades away.

Having assembled and reread this, it seems that maybe the last couplet is just a bit too sharp for this stage of the song, so maybe we can soften the last line, and make the whole thing:

Heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand
We shared our love as two best friends.
We counted stars, those diamonds bright
But each a shadow in your light
Caught up in a lovers' sway
Your sleepy whisper fades away.

Now, this is your song, not mine, so you will have your own views on these suggestions, and you probably will come up with better. But the aim was to try and capture that sense of early adoration without being too obvious about it. And I kind of enjoyed messing with your words

 

[jarrydee]

I've been working on a slower tempo ballad for a couple of weeks. Here is a brief demo of the chorus only.

http://www.box.net/shared/kh7cznfbai

I'm still in the process of building a new computer with a much better soundcard, pre-amp, and mixer. That should hopefully fix my EQ probs that some of you have noted. I have a low-quality mic too, but I've taken note of the mics a few of you have and I will be getting a better quality mix soon.

(instrumental fade out)

Hey..I still have my Se 2200a mic for sale!!! Its a nice mic..just ask around here!!! I like your tune..verry beegee's..nice voice to!!!

 

[icystorm]

While the verses are a bit on the "high fructose side", I don't think you need to go too far towards the "miserable, dark and painful". If you did you might lose the contrast between verse and chorus.

I think it just needs a slight dilution of the sugar. Remember, the song already sounds okay as it is.

Take the first verse:

Each star in Heaven shines a light
You're the one adored each night
The love we shared as two best friends
Heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand
Lovers in the sweetest way
Your softest whisper fades away


Most is okay, though I would consider a rearrangement. For example, I think "Heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand" is a very neat and tidy line, and, in my view, would make a great opener for the song.

So you could start with the couplet:

Heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand
We shared our love as two best friends.

As a last line, there is a nice double-edged blade in "your softest whisper fades away", which could romantically refer to, say, her dreamy talk as she falls asleep, or more sharply, to the fact that her endearments come less frequently (because something has happened to the relationship). I like the idea of it heralding the tempest of the chorus, so maybe you could consider something along the lines of "her whispered promise fades away", which is a bit more brutal than the original. But it needs to be preceeded with something, and maybe we can be a bit more ambiguous than "lovers in the sweetest way" and go for something like "caught up in a lovers' sway". This has the twin ideas of a couple nestled together, but also of the swaying to and fro of the relationship.

This makes the final couplet of that verse:

Caught up in a lovers' sway
Your whispered promise fades away.

This couplet now has a third interpretation, because it is not explicit which lover is being referred to here, and suggests a third person.

This leaves the middle of the verse, which can be a restatement of the original opening couplet, but with a bit less of the 'Heaven' and 'adoring':

We counted stars, those diamonds bright
But each a shadow in your light

This gives us a six line verse of:

Heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand
We shared our love as two best friends.
We counted stars, those diamonds bright
But each a shadow in your light
Caught up in a lovers' sway
Your whispered promise fades away.

Having assembled and reread this, it seems that maybe the last couplet is just a bit too sharp for this stage of the song, so maybe we can soften the last line, and make the whole thing:

Heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand
We shared our love as two best friends.
We counted stars, those diamonds bright
But each a shadow in your light
Caught up in a lovers' sway
Your sleepy whisper fades away.

Now, this is your song, not mine, so you will have your own views on these suggestions, and you probably will come up with better. But the aim was to try and capture that sense of early adoration without being too obvious about it. And I kind of enjoyed messing with your words

Thanks for the fresh perspective, gecko zzed. I like your writing style and suggestions. I'll weigh your advice and work on it. If I ultimately use some of your lines, I'll credit you, of course.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[icystorm]

Hey..I still have my Se 2200a mic for sale!!! Its a nice mic..just ask around here!!! I like your tune..verry beegee's..nice voice to!!!

Thanks for listening and the kind words, jarrydee.

Regarding mics, I am considering Shure 57, Shure 58, Shure 53, and Optimus. How does the Se 2200a compare? I need one that will help me to reduce sibilance from soft, breathy vocals. I'll read about it and get back to you.

Thanks!

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[up-fiddler]

Joseph - You might try proximity changes in your mic technique first. Try singing off axis or slightly under or over the mic so that your "Esses" don't plode directly into the windscreen. Pulling a tad off the very high EQ range will drop sibs also without sacrificing sound quality. Just a thought before you start spending $$$$ to find the perfect mic.

 

[gecko zzed]

If I ultimately use some of your lines, I'll credit you, of course.

No need. If you use some of those phrases you're welcome to them. I'm not interested in credit. After all, you've done all the hard work in putting the words together in the first place.

 

[icystorm]

No need. If you use some of those phrases you're welcome to them. I'm not interested in credit. After all, you've done all the hard work in putting the words together in the first place.

Thanks, gecko zzed!

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[icystorm]

Joseph - You might try proximity changes in your mic technique first. Try singing off axis or slightly under or over the mic so that your "Esses" don't plode directly into the windscreen. Pulling a tad off the very high EQ range will drop sibs also without sacrificing sound quality. Just a thought before you start spending $$$$ to find the perfect mic.

Good advice, Dave. I like saving money.

But... I really need (okay... I really *want*) better gear for my hobby.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[SEDstar]

wow!

your really good....!

people like ME that dont have a singer around are jealous... lol


2 thumbs up

 

[icystorm]

wow!

your really good....!

people like ME that dont have a singer around are jealous... lol


2 thumbs up

Thanks for listening and the kind words, my friend. I am more than humbled by the talent level that exists in this forum. I have much to learn.

Joseph

 

[nzausrec]

Well, this has been burned onto my cd so I can listen to it in the car as I journey to work this morning.
I can sing along "..torn and faded ... beneath your darkness ... betrayed in shadow ... in your story of lies."