This is a bit of a rough take so i know there is a lot of mix tweaking to be done, but im interested to hear what you all think of the overall feel of the song.
You mentioned 'rough take', which is an appropriate description. I think your musical ideas are sound, and you've got some interesting things happening there. However, the mix is all over the place, so you do have some work ahead of you to tame it. There's a lot of doodling around on the guitar at the end which doesn't go anywhere. Maybe you're saving this for some kind of intrumental drama at the end . . . but you don't need it.
Your voice reminded me a bit of Ray Davies (Kinks); I sense a similar whimsical eccentricity there, and you could make something out of this.
I found the lyrics a bit hard to pick up, but I sensed it was a 'love gone wrong' song . . . you've gone and left me . . . how could this happen?
There is a danger here. If you are not careful the song could end up as a self-pitying wallow and therefore be no different to the thousands of other songs of similar theme, specially if you make use of words and phrases that likewise appear in those songs.
My thoughts are:
1 Preserve the fundamental musical idea behind this.
2 Work on the mix to get it as cohesive as possible . . .for example, avoid the extremes of panning at the start. Bring the vocals up so that the lyrics can be heard. Your voice has character and doesn't need to be buried.
3 Work hard on the lyrics. I mentioned Ray Davies . . . not a bad example to follow. You might like to think about words or phrases that suggest the theme, rather than directly referring to it. That woould help you keep away from cliches.
I think the song is going to turn out ok, but in my view there is still a way to go yet.
