song for critique

S

stump

New member
ok... I'm new here, but from what I've seen I really like it here. I'm a youngster but I've been writing my own music for about 6 years now... unfortunately the only outside opinions I get on my lyrics is from my band members who happen to be my best friends and not critics. So I was hoping to get some imput on some lyrics here...

condesension you and your kind
quiet convention the same state of mind
leads to conviction that you'll find
your own invention of the time

eyes closed never seeing the light
forever posed as the religious right
Pharises in God's sight

CHORUS
Brainwashed
It's no state of mind
Brainwashed
Revolution dying
Brainwashed
It's no state of mind
Brainwashed
And nothing's fine

Kill us softly kill us loud
Kill us often but we're still proud
Don't buy into your holiness
Don't buy into your greed
Don't buy into your faithfulness
Don't buy into your deed

CHORUS

do you remember me?
do you remember me?
you will remember me
you will remember me

CHORUS
 
Welcome....

Hi Stump,
Hard Rock........right??

no need to critique man......
If you got a killer driving melody to go with your poetic statement....you will make millions........

What is the subject anyways???
Religion??
Education??
Parental issues??

Gee........

whiz.......

golly.......

ya know?

Welcome to HR man.....
write what ya feel......but, record the way you should....OK?
joro (aka Joe)
 
yeah hard rock... there's a gread syncopated driving melody in drop D that goes with that. I wrote it about religion but I try not to limit the subjects of my songs... if someone else draws something else from it what place do I have to tell them that the way that they feel is wrong? Thanks for your imput... that was one of my more finished songs... I really just wanted to test the waters as far as criticism before I put some more shakey work up... I'll probably start posting some other songs now though. Thanks again.
 
I've just recently written this one... and I'm kinda letting it sit for a while just to make sure I still like it... But I'll see what y'all think.

Close your eyes
Sit in the Dark
Forget the lies
And just let it start

Maybe if you can just forget for
The night of passion
Calm your nerves, quit keeping score in
This fucked up pageant

CHORUS

Listen to me now
For once in your whole damn life
Listen to me now
Just for one Goddamn night

Ambivalence
And consequence
No confidence
In what you meant

Maybe if you can just forget for
The night of passion
Calm your nerves, quit keeping score in
This fucked up pageant

CHORUS

Take the pill
Don't take the pill
Take the pill
That makes you ill

CHORUS 2x
 
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