Song for critique...

[ilovebeingabeta]

Here's the lyrics to a song i'm working on at the moment... Guitar-driven New Wave.. think Smashing Pumpkins meets The Cure. Any critique would be much appreciated.

"Nuclear Winter"

SHOCK OF ATTACK
SKIES TURNING BLACK
I'D FREE YOU FROM THESE ANTHRAX DREAMS
BUT THERE'S NO TURNING BACK
MUSHROOM CLOUD ABOVE
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE
FLUID CRIMSON STREETS
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE

"come in from the cold," she says.
"come out of the snow and we'll dance."
"we'll never grow old," she says.
"come out of the snow while you can."

ROCKET HITS THE SUN
BULLET FROM A GUN
POWDER STARTS THE FEVER-DREAM
ORDER COMES UNDONE
MUSHROOM CLOUD ABOVE
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE
FLUID CRIMSON STREETS
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE

i came in from the cold and she said
"but now I'm too frail to dance."
"you let me grow old," she said.
"we'll never be able to dance."

MUSHROOM CLOUD ABOVE
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE
-----
thanks in advance.

Chris

 

[Henri Devill]

Beta..I like the way you are going on this ...Its late so all I can say without really going over it closely is....
Loose the {I'd}..{But}..And maybe the lines "Death is part of love" would carry a double meaning {also giving the vocs power to the phrase} if you left out..{is} ..{of} ..Sorta a rock chant...
Death Part Love..it would become a strong hook for the style you are going for...Great line!!..Rocket hits the sun/Bullit from a gun..Good luck

Don

 

[badgas]

Hi Beta.

I have to agree with Henre about loosing the "I'd" in the third line, about Amthrax Dreams.

Possibly, to not sound repetitious, I'd change the;

MUSHROOM CLOUD ABOVE
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE
FLUID CRIMSON STREETS
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE

to;

MUSHROOM CLOUD ABOVE
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE
FLUID CRIMSON STREETS
DEATH IS THE CYCLE OF LOVE
or;
WHERE DEATH AND LOVE MEET


Good song. As you work on it, keep us posted. The 'making and changing' of a song is most interesting.

 

[theron]

I hear a dual theme.
1) anthrax fear thing
2) a "you waited too long thing

I wanna know what happened in the middle.

just and observation and request (i guess)

If this is a message of the "cease the day" sort, then I'd make it harder and more pronounced.

That is my dos pesos
adios, mi amigo

theron.

 

[ilovebeingabeta]

Thanks for all your response! I've (more or less) finalized the lyrics, shortened the title, and we've started rehearsing/recording the song. Here we go:

Winter
------

SHOCK OF ATTACK
SKIES TURNING BLACK
FREE YOU FROM YOUR ANTHRAX DREAMS
THERE'S NO TURNING BACK
MUSHROOM CLOUD ABOVE
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE
FLUID CRIMSON STREETS
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE

"come in from the cold," she says.
"come out of the snow and we'll dance."
"we will never grow old," she says.
"come out of the snow while you can."

ROCKET HITS THE SUN
BULLET FROM A GUN
POWDER STARTS THE FEVER-DREAM
ORDER COMES UNDONE
MUSHROOM CLOUD ABOVE
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE
CRUMBLE IN YOUR ARMS
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE

came in from the cold and she said
"but now I'm too frail to dance."
"you let me grow old," she said.
"and we'll never be able to dance."

{rant/stream of consciousness babble ... changes each show}

MUSHROOM CLOUD ABOVE
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE
CRUMBLE IN YOUR ARMS
DEATH IS PART OF LOVE
------

Chris