Something old...something new

Jagular

Jagular

Active member
Hey guys. I posted a version of this song here a few months back. Since then, it has been rewritten in a co-write with Crawdad, who frequents the mp3 clinic. A couple of you who cross over may have heard this song already. I started recording it myself. These are just scratch tracks (first cuts on all tracks) so I can start building the song. But I figured they are good enough to share with you guys for songwriting purposes.

I would love to hear any comments or suggestions.

Thanks


http://mywebpages.comcast.net/Jagular/songs/

(I'll put a link up to NWR later, can't access it from work) :D

Crawdad's version is more finished and pretty much the direction I will be taking this recording (except he plays a lot better than I do). If you want to hear Crawdad's version check here (it's really good). I think it's called river3 there:

http://www.nowhereradio.com/artists/?aid=1522/singles.shtml


Where The River Flows

c 2003 John Scott & Al Carmichael

Verse

Into the fog we launched our boat
Trying to beat the sun
To our favorite fishin' hole
With the motor's start the race was on
With so many turns to slow our way
The sun would claim our spot that day

Chorus

So I said, Grandpa, can you tell me wy the river flows
To the East and then back West when South is where we need to go
He said, you might make better time
If you could travel that straight line
But you'll never find out all life has to show
If you don't follow where the river flows

Verse

She might have months, a year or two
So the doctor said
But I loved Amy hear and soul
So on that river bank we wed
My friends all warned me of the pain
And how my love would end in vain

Chorus

So I said, I just gotta follow where the river flows
Where it's bound to lead me now, there is just one way to know
I might have a simpler life
If I let this chance pass by
But I'll never find out all life has to show
If I don't follow where the river flows

Bridge

So she took my hand and we went roung that bend
In in our time we discovered love tha knows no end
I saw it in her blue eyes every day
Even as she slowly slipped away

Verse

Our daughter has her mother's eyes
And such a pretty face
She's too young to realize
How life's led us to this place
Right now she just has one wish
She just wants to catch a fish

Chorus

And she says, Daddy, can you tell me why the river flows
To the East and then back West when South is where we need to go
I say, you might make better time
If you could travel that straight line
But you'll never find out all life has to show
If you don't follow where the river flows

Tag

If you don't follow where the river flows
 
Just listened to the song. What a beautiful, tender song.

I have a couple observations: It's a little confusing in regards to who is narrating which parts of the story. The first verse and chorus make it clear it's Grandpa.

The second verse (and the rest of the song) I just assumed was Grandpa as well, remembering his wife and the time they shared. But then the final verse and chorus are apparently talking about two other people. After going back and re-reading, I now assume that verse two and what followed must be the grandson from verse 1 growing up and wedding Amy.

The problem is the tenses aren't consistant, and it's confusing. If you intended to make all the story about the boy from verse 1, I would change verse 1 to past tense.

I humbly suggest that it's a better story if Grandpa is telling the whole thing, and then in the last verse you could find out that the daughter Grandpa and Amy had is the boy's mother. Doing it this way would only involve minor lyrical changes:

She might have months, a year or two
So the doctor said
But I loved Grandma heart and soul
So on that river bank we wed

and...

Our daughter had her mother's eyes
And such a pretty face
And just like her you'll realize
Why life has led us to this place
For now I've taught my daughter's son
To follow where life's river runs

When he says, Grandpa, can you tell me why the river flows
To the East and then back West when South is where we need to go
I say, you might make better time
If you could travel that straight line
But you'll never find out all life has to show
If you don't follow where the river flows


Changing that last verse also removes what I thought was the weakest line: "I just want to catch fish".

Just my humble suggestions for an already great song.

Aaron
http://www.voodoovibe.com
 
One more thing...

I also like it better my way :D becuase it brings the song full circle, back to boy and Grandpa in the boat again....


The way "Amy" is mentioned so prominantly (being the only proper name in the song), I'm wondering if this is based on something personal. If it is, then maybe you don't want to change the story.

Just thoughts.....


Aaron
http://www.voodoovibe.com
 
Hey Aaron

Thanks for the compliment & suggestions. Interesting about the character confusion. I hadn't heard that one yet. Actually, the grandson/husband/father is all the same person narrating through the entire song in different stages of life. I appreciate time, the listen & the comments as they will allow me to look at this in a little differnt light.

Some of the other ideas are intriguing. I'll have to study them a bit. Since I'm going on vacation and hopefully having at least a little solitude for a change, I will hopefully get a chance to do that.

Thanks again man!!
 
Ahhhh........ I get it. I guess I was confused becuase each stage is in the present tense, but none of the lyrics directly suggest that time has passed.
For some reason, I just assumed that verse two was Grandpa still talking.

Good luck with your solitude.

Aaron
http://www.voodoovibe.com
 
Jag,
I listened to Crawdad's version back when he posted it, and remembered when you wrote it I think you posted it up then. It's a great tune! I'd say you had the best partner you could have gotten anywhere! I'd like to hear some more of your stuff man, keep em coming!

bd
 
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