Something I did (comments/thoughts apprec.)

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nzausrec

nzausrec

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Hi, this is the first time putting something on here. After years of writing and playing around maybe this is one of the better things - because it's coherent. It has a seperate chorus that works within the same key and even general notes as the verse but the melody is a little peppier or different. So, I think that means improving.
Would appreciate any comments from the community.
Many thanks.

Is called, "Future."
http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7447226

I would say, "Soppy alert," but I'm not soppy actually.
PS: You can crank it up from the start, don't worry about speakers - it's mostly acoustic.

Lyrics:

When I was young I held her hand
On a warm, and what's more, lovely night
Out of the blue she said,
"Leave me alone. I don't want you."
A sudden lie, for a dreamer to deal with
A broken promise, that love lied between us
And never going back there
is what I wondered I would do

That was then, when forever meant that
Not just for love, but that time would end up - giving you
a future to make up
for loss and lost promises of youth

Now that I'm old I hold her hand
Even the slightest time of touch
That seals our plan
When she's cold she says,
"Bring me yourself to rest my head."
We still carry loss
for no dreams can seal fate (should be 'steal fate')
But know that flowered is love between us
And never going back
is what I want to do

Now forever means that
Not just for love, but that time ends up - giving you ...etc.
 
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You mentioned the 'soppy alert', and indeed, there is no small measure of sentimentality spooned into this song. However, it's kinda nice, and it has a gentleness that appeals to me.

It would be interesting for you to get together with Joseph Spain (icystorm), because both of you seem to have a strong Beegees flavour about your work. The way you vocalise your phrases owes no small allegiance to Barry Gibb. This is a good thing . . . I like the character of your voice and it suits the song well . . . hardly surprising, seeing as you wrote it.

All in all, this is a fine accomplishment.

There are some things abut the production that could tighten up the song a bit.

1 You've done a pretty good job at double tracking and harmonizing, but if you can get the phrasing too match more exactly, it would give it a big lift.

2 The synth-mallet sound (or whatever it was) is a neat idea, but at the moment it sort of pops in and out. I would like to see whether you could integrate it more, firstly by making it more definite, and secondly, by finding another sound to provide continuity between it and the rest of the song, so that its presence is less startling.

3 I think you've got a bass in there, but it is not that well defined if it is, and maybe you could try and get a bit more spearation between it and the guitar.
 
wow

I really love this song.

I've listened to it 5 times already.
haha

really nice recording too.
I'm hoping to pull of the same quality recordings soon.

(im just beginning recording)

by the way, what equipment did you use for this recording?

well done, cheers.
Daniel
 
it made me feel good as I sit here- the sun is shining and a good day looks on the horizon. Walter
 
Walter. A good day for me, Man - Shoot, can't believe it. That you replied to that. That really means a lot.
I listened to your songs for the first time. Nice. That's like traditional blues! The kind we can't often find. Nice sound, vocals, esp. Harp cool, too.
I think I had better save your page. Maybe make a few downloads, for some wild chick parties.
I mean your comment means a lot because you have been around. When others feel a bit silly or w.h.y someone with standing saying, 'That's okay' means a lot.

Thanks ZeeZee'd. I'm gonna work on those three excellent suggestions. I can’t believe you got the bass out of that, Zzed. Your ears are very acute. I like all your advice. I especially like your compliments! Hehe. You did state that the keys need to be more ‘definite.’ It's got me rubbing my chin thinking what definite means. I understand what you mean about the perhaps overbearing 'layered' vocals.

Darkshine. Many, many things to concentrate on with your tracks. One at a time. Sometimes it's like building a house. Foundation (timing, rythym first.) I think it isn’t easy to get a good recording. And, you are always improving. Sometimes 2 steps back and 1 forward.
The good thing is there is no limit to what you can post here. I’d love to hear your songs. How about it? Then we can comment on specific things. We’ve gotta hear it to be able to improve on things you don’t hear.

My stuff? I would like to give short version, but there isn't one. It would take more than a page. Pls post your stuff then we can suggest and assist.

Thanks you guys for your support, very, very kind words.
I'm going to cry now.
But there's no smiley for it.
Shit, I am sentimental.
It isn't just the whiskey?

PS: have made a download available for you Darkshine.

PPS: I listened to this in pc speakers and it sounded bassy and not so good. What are you guys listening with?

1400+ songs on S-click alone - wow, that's so cool.
^_^
 
Sweeeeeet.....

....but not saccharine, just the way I like them. It flows well and is lacking in the typical love song cliche's. That's a great thing. Your vox fit well to this style of music also. I have a bit of an issue with the sibilance in the last line of the chorus. (loss and lost promises) You pull it off well because you take pains to articulate it carefully. Still if an 'esss' or two were dropped from that line it would enable you to sing it with more feeling and emphasis. For some silly reason I can hear one of the kids pianos playing the intro or the outro. You know, the little clinky type that kids used to have as toys. Just a thought.....nice work. Dave aka up-fiddler
 
Crikey, (edited for bad language, lol,) Walter, your voice is good like JL Hooker, even rootsy as Leadbetter. You know that?
That's just bullshit man. No one can be that good.

Up Fiddler:
Is it better to get rid of the kids sounding keyboards?

About the lyrics: I have a song I made against the backdrop of Shakepeare lyrics,
'Take everything away my love
But my kisses sealed of love
Sealed in vain, bring again, bring again

Take oh take those lips away
That were so sweetly forlorn'

I love that shit. I mean, he was the bard of a century and then four centuries.

http://www.soundclick.com/updateband/songInfo.cfm?bandID=929542&updated=7448289&name
 
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Excellent lyrics and tune! Very relaxing and calming.

Also enjoyed your song "Dreams"...obviously a work in progress, with more to come. Nice work.

-Mike
 
nzausrec said:
Up Fiddler:
Is it better to get rid of the kids sounding keyboards?

About the lyrics: I have a song I made against the backdrop of Shakepeare lyrics,
'Take everything away my love
But my kisses sealed of love
Sealed in vain, bring again, bring again

Take oh take those lips away
That were so sweetly forlorn'
Click to expand...

NO:eek: I like the kids sounding keys and would like to hear it fade in or fade out with even more childlike sounding keys.

As far as the lyrics are concerned, I certainly don't fault them. I just thought they would be easier to sing without the stacked 'esses' in the last line of the chorus and that would free you up to sing it with even more feeling.
 
Maybe it'll pass. There's so much more that can be done with songs. In the end they are just snippets of songs. Could you work someting in there?
The esses do fit in there (just) eh.
 
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nzausrec said:
....The esses do fit in there (just) eh.
Click to expand...

As I said earlier, you articulate well so that you make it work for you. I'm not critical, just offering a suggestion or two. Music is a very personal thing for most of us who write and you probably aren't any different. In the end, whatever makes it work for you is what is most important. Later, Dave.
 
Oh, I was drinking a bit and it was late.
Wish I could delete posts instead of merely editing them.
 
Both the vocal style and the way the vocals were recorded sound like money to my ears. Melody is very nice as well.

In my opinion, ditch the xylophone or whatever it is and turn up the guitar a notch, then done deal.

:)
 
Thanks MattDee.

What I've been trying to do is find a rythym. I think I've found something in percussion with timbales etc, and non metallic drums, so a Spanish? flavor coming through, strumming beats at 120 bpm not 60.
 
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Walter is a Nabob of Blues!
nzausrec,
it is sweetly naive stuff - effecting and brief to emphasize it rather than over state the case.
The vocals are a bit wet for me but I understand how they fit the arrangement that way. I like it better without reading the lyric because when I read it I have the same concerns as upfiddler and the vocal effects accentuate the essing.
Nice one!
 
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