Some more lyrics in need of readers!

D

drummerboy_04AP

New member
This is a lot different than the other set of lyrics I posted, being more alternative/folk influenced as opposed to alternative/punk ( i guess... pft, labels..)

I wrote this a while ago, and now after re-reading it, I wonder if it needs a chorus or not...

Here it is:

Just like a spidder, he crawls... over his own creations,
connecting the lines, creating theories,
to aid in getting him,
where he wants to be.

He lacks a lot,
of what few others have,
and the crickets are chirping, yelling,
"use what you have!",
but really you dont give a damn,
all you can here is the sounds,
that you cant make...

And now you're trapped,
in that spiders web,
kicking and screaming,
and you've got a feeling,
that this is where,
you'd wind up...


Already I can see I have some things I need to rethink. Idk if i like the "creating theories" part, but i do think it fits with my intentions. Also, the "to aid in getting him, where he wants to be"... doesnt quite make sense in the scheme of things, seeing as spiders dont really make their webs for travelling purposes... I guess it could be seen as like a spider dropping down from the ceiling on its silk string.

Idk, thats my self critique. What are YOU'RE thoughts? :D
 
First thoughts

I feel this reads much like a poem rather than a musical piece. The meter is difficult for me to get into my head. I would have to hear it treated musically before I can tell you if it works for me or not. I like stuff that reads comfortably and makes me think of a melody as I read it. I don't mean that it needs to be "Mary had a little lamb" sing/song. Just a comfortable syllable count and interesting rhyme scheme.
 
I like the images you use.

They are novel, interesting and I reckon could be fashioned into a great song.

I've got no idea what musical treatment you have in mind; the lyrics themselves don't suggest any particular form. As Up-fiddler notes, it looks more like a poem.
 
drummerboy_04AP said:
This is a lot different than the other set of lyrics I posted, being more alternative/folk influenced as opposed to alternative/punk ( i guess... pft, labels..)

I wrote this a while ago, and now after re-reading it, I wonder if it needs a chorus or not...

Here it is:

Just like a spidder, he crawls... over his own creations,
connecting the lines, creating theories,
to aid in getting him,
where he wants to be.

He lacks a lot,
of what few others have,
and the crickets are chirping, yelling,
"use what you have!",
but really you dont give a damn,
all you can here is the sounds,
that you cant make...

And now you're trapped,
in that spiders web,
kicking and screaming,
and you've got a feeling,
that this is where,
you'd wind up...


Already I can see I have some things I need to rethink. Idk if i like the "creating theories" part, but i do think it fits with my intentions. Also, the "to aid in getting him, where he wants to be"... doesnt quite make sense in the scheme of things, seeing as spiders dont really make their webs for travelling purposes... I guess it could be seen as like a spider dropping down from the ceiling on its silk string.




Idk, thats my self critique. What are YOU'RE thoughts? :D
Click to expand...



I like the concept. Don't have a problem with "creating theories"--it's nice to hear lyrics about someone attempting to use their mind LOL. What about "spinning" theories (as per the spider analogy?) It's good to keep a concept consistent by choosing words that refer back to the main theme which in this case is an analogy of the Spider/web to your " life dilemna-predicament," etc.
And as another poster mentioned it's hard to critique because in a song, words are intertwined with the music.

here are a few suggestions though:

First stanza, leave out "just" and just say "like a spider."--better lead in. Leave out the word "aid"--sounds like a "care package"--use a more "dramatic" word or just delete and directly say "getting him where he wants to be."

Second. Leave out "a lot." It's too "wishy washy" for the overall concept. And where did the crickets come from? This verse is obviously an allusion to internal and/or external pressures. That's a human thing. Leave the bugs out of it, one bug ("spider" is enough!) How about "voices" are screaming, or "spirits" etc. etc.? There's lots of choices.

Third. It's not the Spider's web. That was the analogy. It's YOUR web--the one that either you or others trapped you in.

Just some thoughts--I'm not really a song writer, but I do know music, and poetry.;)
 
Last edited:
hey, thanks for the posts. It always helps to hear from other people! Helps me get my mind thinkin haha.

I think that Im going to keep the crickets part. I like it, because it gives the feeling of being alone, just contemplating. Which is what I was kinda doing when I was writing this song, so I think it fits.

As far as melody goes, Ive yet to write lyrics and put them to a song haha. So, it is my challenge to myself to fit the two sets of lyrics ive posted on here to music by the end of thanksgiving break!
 
Ive decided to make this topic the official place of all my lyrics, instead of making new topics all the time. As always, comments are appreciated!


"Dodge the Sidewalk Cracks"

Fix your hat and your hair,
yawn a bit with a look of despair,
stuck in a library,
and you havenet learned to read.

It all boils down,
to a simple frown,
a quick sigh,
amd another path to avoid.

Bite your nails and fake a cough,
the floor looks interesting enough,
with no nails left and a sore neck,
no voice yet, no voice yet.

It all boils down,
to a simple frown,
a quick sigh,
and another path to avoid.



"Fright or Flight"

crowds of people
up to no good
living life as if,
its something to be understood

crowds of people
tappin their shoes
living their life,
right in the groove

And you know these people
and you know their friends
but you cant feel equal
when youre too close to them

what they get
is never what they want
watering the flower
just to leak through the pot

what they get
theyll make work
water wont leak
if you think about it first

And you know these people
and you know their friends
but you cant feel equal
when youre too close to them

think a little less
and you might get more
but some of us
arent up for that chore...

think a little less
but thats not you
never do anything
just to find your crew


And you do know these people
and you know their friends,
but you cant stop thinking
I guess the search will never end
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top