Some lyrics I've come up with. Critique?

S

Skeptik

New member
Verse 1:

Single piece;
Forever yours;
Take my hand;
Walk through the door;
Outside in;
Inside wonder;
Leap of faith;
Jump down under;
Heart will stop;
In it's place;
Single act;
Will make it pace;
Heart will stop;
In it's place;
Single Act;
Will make it pace;
Watch the time;
Go too fast;
Most good things;
Never last

Chorus:

And all these memories come to me
Like a broken picture
Put them back together and you will see
That I am always with ya

Verse 2:

Looking up;
Take it in;
Laying down;
The day begins;
Skip some rocks;
Across the bay;
You gave me;
A perfect day;
Shining bright;
In the sky;
This must be;
What heavens like;
Single Piece;
Forever yours;
Take my hand;
Walk through the door


This song is a slow song I made a little while ago. The lyrics are based off of memories my girl and I would know x) Yeah, I made it for her, oh wells. BTW "Looking up, take it in" is reflecting us waking up and looking towards the sky x)
 
I like it.

A small suggestion I have is to replace the word Pace with race if the meaning still works. I think race would sound less forced.
 
I don't think it's bad (that's a lot coming from me). There's nothing that sticks out like a sore thumb, to me. Proabably plenty of potential.

On the down side, the story is not much developed. It does not make much of an impression on me, as a story, i.e. a novel. Not memorable.

But the music could change it all.

Gary Numan's "Cars" was about as lame a song, lyrically, as you might ever hear, but we just ate it up because of the music and his interesting way of singing.



"Give you a better opinion when I hear it set to music.
 
Hey thanks for the suggestion.

And yeah when I record the song I'll show ya guys. Thanks for the replies though yo. And I'm working on a song that kinda tells a story =P
 
This is like a procession of isolated thoughts - that can be cool, but it can also give the feeling that there is no focus if the subject of those thoughts is not made clear. You do string it all together in the chorus, which is good.

I do find that songs such as this with long lists of quick-fire thoughts and no real narrative do rely on a very good musical backing to be successful.
 
Okay, well as for narrative and more of a story based thing,

What about these lyrics?

Verse 1: (* = hold note)

There lived this girl in a town, she was just 14
Still just starting out, with her life it seemed
Still thinks about the nightmares, that she had every night
She still thinks of the time she almost took her life without fear
All the things she see's around, is burning down down down
The only thing that she wants to do now, is ditch this tiny town
Where everyone makes fun of her*
Where she just wants to start out pure*

And her life took a turn for the worst, she wasn't okay
The night before christmas, was the first time she drank
She was taken advantage of, by those she thought she loved
But that was just first time, that was just first time
All the things she see's around, is burning down down down
The only thing that wants to do now, is ditch this tiny town
She just wants to be alone*
She's turnin' her back, never goin' home*

Chorus:

You can see her tears
Fall to the floor
She's sittin on her porch cryin' out for more
And there she goes again
You can see her face
Always tellin' herself that she's out of place
And there she goes again
And there she goes again

Verse 2:



As you can clearly see, I'm not finished yet. Any ideas or suggestions?
 
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