She

[mahirb]

You are something that never happened to me..
I tried going back to my dictionary….
Trying to find a word that described you..
Trying to find a poem ,a piece of art, a problem chart
Anything that can define you… just another of those gods miracle

So pretty.. (pretty ???) that’s not the word!....
Sweety ,.. cherry ,.. heavenly…vividly , create another word my lord
Crystal… shelter … candle….. she is so sentimental…

When she walks .. around… and softly sound..
I hear my heart pound…. So fast and laud..

And I shout… as I woke up from this beautiful dream…….
Why do such dream…cant one day be true as it did seem…

(tell me pple what yall think)

 

[david strait]

I really dig it conceptually. Most of it works for me. The two places that strike me as the weak spots are "can't one day be true as it did seem" That part seems like you're reaching for the rhyme. "I hear my heart pound... So fast and loud..."
hmm, i don't know, sounds a little cliche maybe.
Anyway, for what all that's worth.
Good stuff, appreciate you letting us give it a read!

 

[Smile]

Hello Mahirb... I like the idea behind the song, but I do believe it needs work.
Just some idea's take or chuck as always.

You are something that never happened to me..
I tried going back to my dictionary….
Trying to find a word that described you..
Trying to find a poem ,a piece of art, a problem chart
Anything that can define you… just another of those gods miracle

So pretty.. (pretty ???) that’s not the word!....
Sweety ,.. cherry ,.. heavenly…vividly , create another word my lord
Crystal… shelter … candle….. she is so sentimental…

(This reads unfinished to me...it reads like it should be spoken, as there is no real flow to it, )

When she walks .. around… and softly sound..
I hear my heart pound…. So fast and laud..

And I shout… as I woke up from this beautiful dream…….
Why do such dream…cant one day be true as it did seem…

( IMO I would leave this part totally out... keep it as something you want but can't have.. or have never had. again..this reads like it should be spoken not sung)

(tell me pple what yall think)
Reply With Quote

I have given below...some suggestions on how to make it more lyrical.. again..please take or chuck.. I only wish to help.. and this is only a start.

(vs1)
To me all you've beens a dream,
I look to the dictionary.
Wanting a word to describe you
But each one fails on it's debut.
A poem or art, a problem chart...
Can't touch the miracle of your heart.

(ch)
I pray to God for the words to convey...
All the things I want to say.
But they will never be enough...
To tell you about my love.

Good luck with the song.

Smile.