seeing as we're sharing...

[NationalSandwic]

ok, how's about some thoughts on this:

you do me no good
you say that i'm wanting
i'm trying to prove
that i am important
so where do we go from here?

a driving resolve
can end you up nowhere
a thundering sky
that is always threatening
we want to stay dry, want to get by on our own

dead in the water
drift to the sea
drop like a pebble
dance over me

if i was to describe it stylistically: it's really laid back; jazz chords on a nylon string guitar. i am mulling over writing another verse or two... might leave it as is.

ta.

 

[Garry Sharp]

First verse is penguin cool. Excellent. Then you get lazy and hang the lyrical continuity a song like this needs (IMHO of course ) on the slenderest of threads, which you stretch with the first two lines of the next verse and then past breaking point with the next three. (I'm being harsh because I like you and think you have talent. I'd be nicer if you'd sent some of that biltong you promised )

If I had got to this point in a song, I would go for a walk, work out in my head what I really wanted to say, limit - not remove, just limit - my armoury of metaphors and work out what I wanted to say and the most straightforward way of saying it.

Nice theme in the chorus / bridge thing at the end - I reckon you could tighten it up lyrically without losing the musical feel (I mean, it could carry a bit more meaning).

Good work, just needs more of it. Work, I mean.

(PS I don't like biltong. Or ostrich )



Well - you asked for opnions, that's mine

 

[NationalSandwic]

I see what you mean garry. a tenuous contunuity.
however, i think the continuity lies in the melody that i've written. i like ambiguity, but maybe i'm pushing it too far? you're right tho, my problem is laziness

thanks garry, appreciate it.

(PS I couldn't send you any biltong if i wanted to. But i know you can get it in london. Don't know about ostrich, though. Don't think they'd like the rain.)