Scriabin wants YOU! ....for critiques please

[Scriabin]

Here are some lyrics I wrote for a little jazz progression in AABA form. I get the feeling its a little too wordy but I intended for that to be part of its charm... but if it's only detracting and not adding anything let me know. Any and all critiques greatly welcome!
Thanks in advance,
Scriabin

Skeletons

(Verse 1)
I've got skeletons hiding behind my door
in shadowed corners, within dark holes.
My sinister secrets lie waiting unseen
I'm the masquerading champion of things all clean.

(Verse 2)
I've got skeletons buried beneath my floor
in each muffled moment they threaten to roar.
I suspect I'm on the lips of high society,
Each evasive plastic smile silently mocking me.

(Bridge)
But he's the prodigy of virtue,
the luxury of doing good.
He's the absense of evil,
A modern-day Robin Hood.

(Verse 3)
I've got skeletons sleeping in my soul
louder and louder, their heartbeats grow.
Yet, my guilty passions I cannot ignore,
I've traded my sunlight to walk the night alone.

(fade)

 

[DawGe]

First off, I have nothing that says I know what I'm talking about this is just personal opinion. With that being said...IMHO, I think the lyrics are to strong for jazz, I would think more either bluesy or alternative/rock..."Each evasive plastic smile silently mocking me." That line is killer. I love your writing ability and your play on words. Great work...would love to hear your jazz version of this...any mp3's?

Skeletons

(Verse 1)
I've got skeletons hiding behind my door
in shadowed corners, within dark holes.
My sinister secrets lie waiting unseen
I'm the masquerading champion of things all clean.

(Verse 2)
I've got skeletons buried beneath my floor
in each muffled moment they threaten to roar.
I suspect I'm on the lips of high society,
Each evasive plastic smile silently mocking me.

(Bridge)
But he's the prodigy of virtue,
the luxury of doing good.
He's the absense of evil,
A modern-day Robin Hood.

(Verse 3)
I've got skeletons sleeping in my soul
louder and louder, their heartbeats grow.
Yet, my guilty passions I cannot ignore,
I've traded my sunlight to walk the night alone.

(fade) [/B]

 

[Scriabin]

ya, I'm waiting for my great river mp-2nv to get here from Mercenary to go with my u195, so I can re-record it. I'll post it in the next couple of weeks. Thanks for the reply! I'll Pm you when I post it

I'm from tampa (brandon to be more specific) which part are you from?

 

[SCI]

no offense but them lyrics are rubbish.. the verses are well short. yo if u want me to write some i can check out my tracks. www.soundclick.com/sci im a rapper but i write about all topics n shit. those were some wack lyrics tho fo real.

the story was boring short and plain out wack.

1.....
SCI.......

 

[Scriabin]

No offense taken, I believe you looked at them in the wrong light. They're not "serious" Lyrics per se... I wrote them with the "Mr. Grinch" song in mind, if that gives you a better idea. Kind of a light-hearted fun song, nothing of serious nature in there. Rubbish? well, to each his own I guess.

 

[Scriabin]

Upon review of your "music" I can see how my lyrics are lacking because I refrained from talking about "hoes who blow me when they take off their clothes" and about all those other topics that make music so "wack"

 

[powderfinger]

in defense of scriabin

yes.....i'm going to have to side w/ scriabin on this one......scriabin, while i usually don't care much for critiquing lyrics, your lyrics are not 'rubbish' , and remind me of poe's 'a tell tale heart'.......i too look forward to the mp3

sci, for being as demeaning as you were in your post, i would have assumed that your lyrics would at least be creative and semi-original, which they are not........your lyrics are very cliche and cookie cutter even by rap standards......i would understand your harsh criticism if your lyrics were more than a cheap derivative of others........i would suggest putting more of your own time and efforts into your own songwriting than to picking on others.......while i realize that constructive criticism can be a good thing.....that is clearly not what you offered up.......you seemed to offer up more of a challenge than a constructive criticism......and that's a challenge that your songwriting might not be up to at this point......so, my constructive criticism to you........1. try to work more on your songwriting and maybe try to think a little more 'outside the box' of standard rap cliches 2. try to provide constructive criticism to those who ask, instead of telling them how much better than them you are

 

[DawGe]

I'm from tampa (brandon to be more specific) which part are you from?

I'm from brooksville, 45 mins as the crow flies north...unless you take the toll road then its 30...

 

[Chewie]

I know my opinion is not worth much but I find the lyrics are good. But what I wanted to know was what the song is about. I realise that any song has a million interpretations so I always tyr to find out what the lyrics mean to the author.

 

[Scriabin]

I know my opinion is not worth much but I find the lyrics are good. But what I wanted to know was what the song is about. I realise that any song has a million interpretations so I always tyr to find out what the lyrics mean to the author.

I value your opinion and thanks for the reply. As far as the lyrics go I just decided to sit down and write a small song about the dark sides we hide while all "they" see is outward appearance of something pure. I've done some terrible things in my life that I know if my family and peers learned of, they would think I was the scum of the earth. Yet, no one sees that side of me. They see me as a clean, good guy. Yet, like every other person I have a conscience and I'm always a little nervous someone might see I'm not as "perfect" as one would be led to believe. It's a universal concept and that's why I thought it would make a neat little song.

Powder- Good observation on Poe. That was a reference point for this song

Dawge- I know brooksville, I go threw that area every now and then. Your out in the boonies

 

[SCI]

Re: in defense of scriabin

sci, for being as demeaning as you were in your post, i would have assumed that your lyrics would at least be creative and semi-original, which they are not........your lyrics are very cliche and cookie cutter even by rap standards......i would understand your harsh criticism if your lyrics were more than a cheap derivative of others........i would suggest putting more of your own time and efforts into your own songwriting than to picking on others.......while i realize that constructive criticism can be a good thing.....that is clearly not what you offered up.......you seemed to offer up more of a challenge than a constructive criticism......and that's a challenge that your songwriting might not be up to at this point......so, my constructive criticism to you........1. try to work more on your songwriting and maybe try to think a little more 'outside the box' of standard rap cliches 2. try to provide constructive criticism to those who ask, instead of telling them how much better than them you are

true.

 

[Chewie]

As far as the lyrics go I just decided to sit down and write a small song about the dark sides we hide while all "they" see is outward appearance of something pure. I've done some terrible things in my life that I know if my family and peers learned of, they would think I was the scum of the earth. Yet, no one sees that side of me. They see me as a clean, good guy. Yet, like every other person I have a conscience and I'm always a little nervous someone might see I'm not as "perfect" as one would be led to believe. It's a universal concept and that's why I thought it would make a neat little song.

Wow. The lyrics seem even better now that I heard that little insight. I would like to hear what you would call really good.
Speaking of which. You all ever find that stuff you do is never good enough? I find so. In my band, I play guitar, the other guitarist writes the songs. I'm not all that impressed with them and think I can do better. But when I try to write I find thats not good enough and I never finish. I have never in my life written a song I'd call compete of even passable.