Rewrite!! Feedback anyone?

[Jordazjc]

Hey everyone! I posted a thread for lyrics to a song awhile back, and decided to do a rewrite, so here it is, tell me if they're good

The song is called 'heal'

(Verse 1)

In the blazing desert,
Your soul begins to rot
The foul stench of misdirection,
And a short life's all you got,

Missing your hometown,
And the memories you've lost,
With a pulsing fear from the inside,
You pushed yourself until you died

It seems you killed,
and you killed yourself

(Bridge)

Well ya' needed the money, didn't ya son?
Uncle Sam's arms were where you could run
Pushing a dagger in your heart, as you draw your gun,
They weren't gonna let you finish dying, 'till the war was won



I think you need to

(Chorus)

Heal

You're almost gone, but you can

Feel

That you did something wrong...


(Verse 2)

Wear the badge of murderer's pose,
Stain the sands with blood,
You're brave, its something that shows,
But lies begin to flood,

You're a soldier, your heart is good
Your country knows they're right
Morals are something you've never understood,
Seems no one does, that's why we fight

It seems you killed,
and you killed yourself

(Bridge)

(Chorus)

(Verse 3)

You can murder, carelessly slay,
Your country tells you its alright,
Its something you'd live with everyday,
But now you can't walk away

See, the enemy is just like you,
Through the pain and fear, they pull through,
Fighting for ideals, that can't be true,
War is all just your point of view

It seems you killed,
and you killed yourself

(Bridge)

(Chorus)

(Outro)

It seems you never saved the day,
Young man of war

Truth is, you never really had your say,
Young man of war

In a field of fulfilling death you now lay,
young man of war

With a torch to your grave, you lit the way,
Young man of war


You dug your grave yourself, and it is deep,
Young man of war

You've lived your life, a simple sheep,
Young man of war,

Regrets are something you'll always keep,
young man of war

You'll be judged whether or not you'll sleep,
young man of war

(Chorus)








Well, this song will be the second song on the concept album I have planned out, that deals with a soldier downed in battle, and in his state of unconciousness, odd voices judge him on whether or not he should continue to live, or if his time is up. During his judgement, the album will deal with the flaws in moral values, and the judgement of two concepts, Good, and Evil, and will thusly be named "Good and Evil"

feed back's appreciated!

 

[Jordazjc]

Lmao, i guess no one has anything to say

 

[YorkshireTrippe]

I'll say something if you like

Your lyrics are dark man, really dark. I'm not really dark enough to trully appreciate them but I'll look past that and try and give you my unbiased opinion.

There's bits of brilliance and there's some bits you may want to work on. I'll start with the bad so as to end on a good note....

1. Your wording seems to alternate a lot between soft and harsh, take the first verse for example, you have the line "the foul stench of misdirection" which is a very phoenetically harsh souding line, closely followed by "Missing your hometown" which comes across very melancholly and soft in comparison. This isn't necessarily a bad thing if you sing them right, but you need to be aware of massive contrasts in delivery like this so you can make it part of the emotion of the song, of you may risk just confusing the listener and convoluting your message.

2. I think you could do more with the imagery, especially in the verses. You need to add a physical side to alot of what your saying so people can imagine it. Take this verse for example
"See, the enemy is just like you"
"Through the pain and fear, they pull through"
"Fighting for ideals, that can't be true"
"War is all just your point of view"
You haven't mentioned a single physical entity. The closest you have is the word "enemy", but you haven't laid out strongly enough who the "enemy" is so its very hard to visualise. You use the word "they" a few times, but who are "they?". You should try and think of a way of describing exactly what you are referring to - if you can, try thinking up a metaphor. You could portray the "enemey" as an animal, or a place, or a colour? anything physical like that will help ground your imagery in people's minds. You started the song with "In the blazing desert" - that's a good image, play on that, refer back to that in later verses,

And the good stuff...

1. The bridge lyrics are really good "Well ya' needed the money, didn't ya son?...etc". There's a nice balance of wit and anger there, it really gets across a kind of frustration.

2. One of the verses really stood out from the others for me, its the one that starts "Wear the badge of murderer's pose...", what I was saying about imagery is spot on in this verse, you can really see what you're trying to say. The rhymes are good too, "shows" and "pose" especially as they're very slightly different so it doesn't soudn like you got them from rhyme.com - oh and I like the aliteration on "stain the sands", would be good if you could work another aliteration pattern into the "but lies begin to flood" line too - maybe "lay the lies" or something, but its good nonetheless.

3. The overall structure of your lyrics is solid. It looks like it will be a pretty long song but I always advocate long songs, you can always chop it down later - give people more for their money!

Hope that helps mate

 

[Jordazjc]

Thanks man, for the feedback.

Although the lyrics are supposed to center around a singular point of view, I also wanted them to acknowledge a take on the basis of war altogether, therefore the lyrics that acknowledge another party, without definition of whom that party might be

Thanks alot, though, I wrote these in music class one day

 

[gecko zzed]

I can't go past Yorkshire Trippe's suggestions . . . they are first rate.

My only addition is to see what words you can remove.

For example, your first verse:
"In the blazing desert,
Your soul begins to rot
The foul stench of misdirection,
And a short life's all you got . . ."

I'd try something like:
"In the blazing desert,
Your soul begins to rot
The stench of misdirection,
A short life's all you got . . ."

I also have difficulty with "but lies begin to flood". While Yorkshire Trippe noted your clever rhyming elsewhere, this line sounds like it was written to find something to rhyme with "blood". However, I am unable to come up with an alternative off the top of my head.

 

[Henri Devill]

Hummmmmm..