Rate my lyrics please.

[nate_dennis]

Here is my take on the lyrics. When I review I try to be honest. Nothing I say is intended to be "mean" or an "asshole" take the comments as you will.

Sitting here, man last year was such a long year.
I lost people I swear fuckin' belong here.

Your first few lines should define what the song is about. You start out talking to a broad audience saying you lost "people" later you shift to talking to one person. I think you need to decide who is being addressed and stick to it. Either the person/people that left, or tell a broad audience about the ordeal.

That shits the past, but still I'm making these songs tear.
Mental pictures in my mind, I just look with a long stare.

This couplet is weak. What does it mean to "make songs tear"? Also "mental pictures in my mind" . . . where else would you have mental pictures? I think, also, that you lean too heavily on profanity to make a point that could be better made with some stronger lyrics. It seems like you were using them as syllable filler. I'd consider re-wording here.

I hate the fact that I'm still speaking of you.
And I can't go a fuckin' day without thinking of you.
But it's gravy, trust me baby, I'm still kickin' it fine.
Although that 1 percent of me still wishes that you were mine.

This is probably the strongest part of this lyric. Usually rhyming a word with the same word doesn't work, but here it actually does. The truth is that it flows better without "fuckin" in the second line. I'm not opposed to curses in lyrics, but don't lean on them. My only qualm with the last line is just personal. I'd say "although that 1 percent of me wishes that you were still mine" but that's "happy to glad" changes and doesn't really affect much.

Okay, maybe it's 2 or even 3.
Visualize a ring and some dude on his knee.

Not bad here. I'd consider "I see" instead of "visualize" I think it fits better and would flow better, but if you're stuck on "visualize" I don't think you'll kill the song with it.

But when I zoom in, I look close, that shit ain't even me.
It's some other motherfucker and I'm as calm as can be.

You lost me with "that shit ain't even me." It seems like your talking about the situation isn't "you." (i.e. "Crossdressing on the weekend? Nah, that shit ain't me.") But then you end up talking about the person on his knee. You claim to be "calm as can be" but this lyric indicates otherwise. Consider revision.

Even though the shit hurt, it gets worse, or should I say that it's been?
One day I say I'm straight and the next I'm needin' a friend.

I think you're trying to say that it hurt you but you've been worse. But this line is murky. I'm not sure at all what you're trying to say. "One day I say I'm straight" ... consider rewording that. I know what you mean, but it doesn't always translate the way you want it to. "One day I'm ok, then I'm needing a friend" would say the same thing without the listener/reader having to decipher a term that not a lot of people use that way.

Someone that I can talk to and get this off of my chest.
B l a ck b e r r y saves the text, this shit I'll never forget.

I agree with the notion of getting rid of "bla ck be rry." The last line needs major revision to make it concise and clear, but it's a good starting place.


overall it's like someone else said: you did well to get your thoughts/feelings on paper while they were raw. Now, take an editing eye and chop, cut, and mangle it till it flows and grooves.