Rate my lyrics please.

C

C-SLIKK

New member
Sitting here, man last year was such a long year.
I lost people I swear fuckin' belong here.
That shits the past, but still I'm making these songs tear.
Mental pictures in my mind, I just look with a long stare.
I hate the fact that I'm still speaking of you.
And I can't go a fuckin' day without thinking of you.
But it's gravy, trust me baby, I'm still kickin' it fine.
Although that 1 percent of me still wishes that you were mine.
Okay, maybe it's 2 or even 3.
Visualize a ring and some dude on his knee.
But when I zoom in, I look close, that shit ain't even me.
It's some other motherfucker and I'm as calm as can be.
Even though the shit hurt, it gets worse, or should I say that it's been?
One day I say I'm straight and the next I'm needin' a friend.
Someone that I can talk to and get this off of my chest.
B l a ck b e r r y saves the text, this shit I'll never forget.
 
Man if U thk thats cool lyrics then I guess it in the eye. But a stick will do just as good!
WHAT is it U want to lay out - what do you want to convay to others?
Try >>> FiretrUCK next time
Good-L
 
Poo shouldn't hrt. If it does you need to see a proctocologist.
Gravy & baby don't rhyme in any scheme or even faux rhyme biosphere.
I like:
"Although that 1 percent of me still wishes that you were mine.
Okay, maybe it's 2 or even 3."
"B l a ck b e r r y saves the text, this shit I'll never forget." - is this some attempt at a sponsorship like Run DMC pulled on Adidas? Using a brand name will limit your lyric to a time & place in a bad way. The essence of the NOW you're portraying should come from more than brand names.
I think you ought to lean back on the profanity and attempt to rework this without it. Nedsilik Eskimos have 100 words for snow but you've limited yourself to a few cuss cliche's that don't serve you well.
The narrative of you admitting, denying and qualifying you love for an ex is good. Try to couch it in language less lounger and more stairmaster.
 
Scotland has a hundred different names for rain.
Australia, on the other hand, has only three names for weather.
"Drought", "Fire" & "Flood".

All of this has nothing to do with your lyrics and I'm not sure that's a bad thing.
 
rayc said:
Poo shouldn't hrt. If it does you need to see a proctocologist.
Gravy & baby don't rhyme in any scheme or even faux rhyme biosphere.
I like:
"Although that 1 percent of me still wishes that you were mine.
Okay, maybe it's 2 or even 3."
"B l a ck b e r r y saves the text, this shit I'll never forget." - is this some attempt at a sponsorship like Run DMC pulled on Adidas? Using a brand name will limit your lyric to a time & place in a bad way. The essence of the NOW you're portraying should come from more than brand names.
I think you ought to lean back on the profanity and attempt to rework this without it. Nedsilik Eskimos have 100 words for snow but you've limited yourself to a few cuss cliche's that don't serve you well.
The narrative of you admitting, denying and qualifying you love for an ex is good. Try to couch it in language less lounger and more stairmaster.
Click to expand...

Shit! Dude, this is better than most songs. Put it in stanzas and rock out.
 
I don't mind the profanity, its pretty raw emotions you're dealing with.

I envision the song as a slow ballad type rap over a coldplay esque drumbeat (like the start of In My Place). With some wailing solitary guitar in the distance...
 
theres a story in there some where
its the kind of thing i would write as inspiration and then rewrite it until
it has structure and flow and gets the message across while appealing to the widest audiance possible.
profanity rarely sells unless its called for and appropriate
some artists songs call for it and it sounds daft when rewritten eg; Pinks
fu*%^kin perfect
keep going develop the ideas and sepperate them into verses and chorus and bridge etc
so far so good buddy keep writting
 
StevenJacksonMu said:
This could be a very romantic ballad the type that brings you to tears.


Upon The Sea by StevenJackson on SoundCloud - Create, record and share your sounds for free
Click to expand...

I enjoyed listening to your recording. I can see it being a romantic ballot and tear jerker for some...

C-SLIKK I'm new and hope that you don't mind me saying that I agree with the others (although I am not a professional); you can tweak the lyrics a little by adding and or changing your wording. I think that it could be better written... GL! :-)
 
C-SLIKK said:
Sitting here, man last year was such a long year.
I lost people I swear fuckin' belong here.
That shits the past, but still I'm making these songs tear.
Mental pictures in my mind, I just look with a long stare.
I hate the fact that I'm still speaking of you.
And I can't go a fuckin' day without thinking of you.
But it's gravy, trust me baby, I'm still kickin' it fine.
Although that 1 percent of me still wishes that you were mine.
Okay, maybe it's 2 or even 3.
Visualize a ring and some dude on his knee.
But when I zoom in, I look close, that shit ain't even me.
It's some other motherfucker and I'm as calm as can be.
Even though the shit hurt, it gets worse, or should I say that it's been?
One day I say I'm straight and the next I'm needin' a friend.
Someone that I can talk to and get this off of my chest.
B l a ck b e r r y saves the text, this shit I'll never forget.
Click to expand...

You know, it all depends on the context and the delivery. Put it to music and let's hear how it shakes out.
 
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