rate my extremely sappy lyrics

  • Thread starter Thread starter TelePaul
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TelePaul

TelePaul

J to the R O C
hey guys feel free to be overly critical. Heres a song i wrote about, surprise surprise, a girl. I wrote the first verse when we were getting on great. The next four or five? Well, call that the aftermath! Its very poppy, acoustic. Kinda bare-naked ladies ish.

You had a fender guitar and ya taught me to play,
If i believed in the lord I'd say he sent you my way.
I was married once but it didn't work out,
So when i fell at your feet I was shaken with doubt.

And its not in the way you tussle my hair,
Its not in the way you show me you care,
I don't know where you're going but i wanna be there,
and i guess its in; the way that you smile

Smile! Smile! (you got those shark teeth baby)
Smile! Smile! (you got some wolf teeth baby)

Well you were pretty far gone in that cheap cafe,
and a couple weeks later you had a kid on the way.
You fell right down amongst the losers and winners,
but i guess you're doing alright for a tramp and a sinner

And its not in the way you tussle my hair,
Its not in the way you show me you care,
I don't know where you're going but i wanna be there,
and i guess its in; the way that you smile

Smile! Smile! (you got those shark teeth baby)
Smile! Smile! (you got some wolf teeth baby)

I guess you'd do alright if ya had your feet on the ground
But it was a month or two before you were messin' around
And I know it wasn't love though it came pretty close
And out of al the ones gone I know I'll miss you the most

And its not in the way you tussle my hair,
Its not in the way you show me you care,
I don't know where you're going but i wanna be there,
and i guess its in; the way that you smile

Smile! Smile! (you got those shark teeth baby)
Smile! Smile! (you got some wolf teeth baby)

Its a pretty sad song but it plays like a dream,
Its a true tale of mine from when I was nineteen
And you can marry for love, you can marry for money
Or you can marry a girl because shes sweeter than honey
But ya gotta stay on your toes or it won't take long
Before shes breakin' your heart and your singing my song

And its not in the way you tussle my hair,
Its not in the way you show me you care,
I don't know where you're going but i wanna be there,
and i guess its in; the way that you smile

Smile! Smile! (you got those shark teeth baby)
Smile! Smile! (you got some wolf teeth baby)
 
Overall a good idea and well crafted but....

And its not in the way you tussle my hair,
Its not in the way you show me you care,

Those two lines (sans music) sound like lines in "Hold the Line" by Toto.

I'd really like to hear the music/melody before making any further comment though, because how you phrase them could make them sound completely different and make my observation meaningless. ;) ;) ;)

Again, it has good quality ......
 
ido1957 said:
And its not in the way you tussle my hair,
Its not in the way you show me you care,

Those two lines (sans music) sound like lines in "Hold the Line" by Toto.
Click to expand...
I also thought those lines sounded familiar, but I couldn't say from where.

The shark teeth/wolf teeth thing gave me the willies for some reason. It just seemed a little too campy for an otherwise sorta serious folk vibe that I was getting from the rest of the lyrics. Otherwise, I thought it seemed prertty decent and down to earth, and not too overly cliche, which can be a problem with this type of tune.
 
haha its so Toto! Someone else said that....But 'Hold the Line' is kinda dark and moody, this is pure major key fun! I wouldn't say its serious, or even a serious topic; its an everyday topic...not every song has to be deep... thanks for your comments though, good to bounce ideas off people!
 
TelePaul said:
.
I was married once but it didn't work out........
....Its a true tale of mine from when I was nineteen
And you can marry for love, you can marry for money
Or you can marry a girl because shes sweeter than honey
Click to expand...

Wait, this is about when you were 19, but by that stage you had already been married once? And had time to be divorced? What was it, one of those arranged marriages when you were 13? Pervert.
 
Since I haven't written anything myself, you can take my opinion and throw it out the door.

This song is telling a story I presume? I wouldn't know because the story got really confusing to me really fast.

A listener likes to hear the lyrics just like he/she would like to read the lyrics. If they are confused by reading it, they are most likely going to be confused by hearing it.

I would try maybe condensing the verses a bit. Get your point across faster. Use different tenses.

Thats all I know.
~Zach
 
Good story line. I found the chorus (smile....teeth) thing a little awkward.

It took a couple of verses to clerify where the story was going and it may be possible to lose a verse - or at least combine some lines to create one verse to take the place of two (it seems the song may be a little too wordy and thus too long). As someone else suggested, get to the hook of the story a little sooner.

However, minor issues aside, I thought it was an interesting story!!!!
 
hey thanks guys! Yeah...basically i wrote the first verse when i liked her...the next few came when we fell out. seems im more inspired by disappointment. I hear what youre saying entirely and its kinda indecisive for a reason; theres so many songs that are blatantly amorous ('Wonderful Tonight') and blatantly opposed to love ('She Hates Me'). Theres fewer but equaly brilliant ones that are somewhere in between; I Dont Wanna Talk About it, Love Will Tear Us Apart, Cannonball; the whole topic itself is a grey area, and thats probably why its hard to figure out where the narrator is coming from...does he liek her? is he through with her? does he know himself?
 
TP,

Good effort, some good rhyming in there. I especially like the last 4 lines of the bridge:

And you can marry for love, you can marry for money
Or you can marry a girl because shes sweeter than honey
But ya gotta stay on your toes or it won't take long
Before shes breakin' your heart and your singing my song

Nice. I do second/third/whatever the thing about the 'teeth' lines being a bit out of place in terms of the 'tone' of the song.

But other than that, I enjoyed it. I could easily also hear this one as a real bar-blues tune.

Best,
C.
 
thats pretty bizarre? the whole topic...SMILE..you have shark teeth?

V1 & 2- seems your talking to her
V3 you change and speak to the listener, that was different, a change...

I'd love to hear it in audio form.
I have trouble when the ryhme stops and then hearing it in my head.
can you post a copy?

I thought the words were there, the first verse kind of catches the reader...like a surprise...kind of like Verse 1&2 "YOU SAVED ME HONEY, taught me guitar..." then the surprise!!!..IT MUST BE YOUR TEETH!!

kept me reading it all the way... so that says something.(or I'm up way,way too late? :confused: )
the below part kept it familiar enough too for the bizarre verses or storyline..

And its not in the way you tussle my hair,
Its not in the way you show me you care,
I don't know where you're going but i wanna be there,
and i guess its in; the way that you smile

Smile! Smile! (you got those shark teeth baby)
Smile! Smile! (you got some wolf teeth baby)
 
yeah everyone seems to be surprised by that teeth thing! I have a melody worked out but i cant sing a note, so i might enlist a vocalist before i post it. To explain the shark thing....its kinda a take-off on Sinatra (or Brecht, or whoever), Mack the Knife; ''oh the shark has pretty teeth dear but he hides them pearly whites''. Same again with the wolf thing, wolf in sheeps clothing (you like the girl till you kinda see her for who she really is, see her faults and shortcomings etc). So yeah, but it might be somewhat odd alright. If it helps the whole thing is major key open chord fragments, so its very pop-rock and mellow. cheers for all your comments! I've another one about Jeff Buckley Id like feedback on...maybe ill post it later.
 
I love the teeth thing. It is so weird and cool. I think it adds an entirely new dimension to the song.
 
I think you should try to say one thing with the song, and say it clearly.


If it's a love/hate thing then say so. The listener is being jerked around; do you like this girl, or do you think she's a tramp?
 
Supercreep said:
I think you should try to say one thing with the song, and say it clearly.


If it's a love/hate thing then say so. The listener is being jerked around; do you like this girl, or do you think she's a tramp?
Click to expand...

I think its possible to like a trampy girl. Feelings arent so clear cut. Kinda dazed an confused...wonder if people told robert pant he was jerking listeners around.
 
gtr_guy26 said:
I like when you call her a tramp and a sinner.....kinda like my ex...I love it.
Click to expand...

Thanks bud! I've known a rake of girls like that....I'm not sad about it either.
 
Smile! Smile! (you got those shark teeth baby)
Smile! Smile! (you got some wolf teeth baby)

Would it work to change it to....

When you Smile that smile-it hides those Shark teeth babe

When you Smile that smile-it hides those Wolves teeth now

:confused:
 
I also like the bit with the teeth. Its unusual and original. Who doesnt love trampy girls haha, kind of the madonna/whore thing.



Violent5
 
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