Poem/song idea

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drummerboy_04AP

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Moonless Night

I don't show what I favor.
Not to the moon, the stars; neither
The simple choices drowned beneath an ocean of wrong answers.
The right answers are told only to the wrong questions.
You leave there with your mind swirling, your thoughts circle the hair clogged drain.
Everything is much clearer, more sane when you don't have to speak.
But alone, you are weak...

A.P

/10
 
drummerboy_04AP said:
Moonless Night

I don't show what I favor.
Not to the moon, the stars; neither
The simple choices drowned beneath an ocean of wrong answers.
The right answers are told only to the wrong questions.
You leave there with your mind swirling, your thoughts circle the hair clogged drain.
Everything is much clearer, more sane when you don't have to speak.
But alone, you are weak...

A.P

/10
Click to expand...

The "hair clogged drain" is kinda gross... The rest is thought provoking and interesting, but I'd need to hear some music behind it to get the whole picture. So far so good though....:D:cool::D:cool:
 
one of the more . . .

drummerboy_04AP said:
Moonless Night

I don't show what I favor.
Not to the moon, the stars; neither
The simple choices drowned beneath an ocean of wrong answers.
The right answers are told only to the wrong questions.
You leave there with your mind swirling, your thoughts circle the hair clogged drain.
Everything is much clearer, more sane when you don't have to speak.
But alone, you are weak...

A.P

/10
Click to expand...

. . . interesting set of lyrics I've seen here. If these emerge in a song I would be keen to hear it.

Was this intended to be complete? If so, then I would like to see some alternatives to the last line, which doesn't fire me up as much as the others. Alone, it is weak, and maybe I need a musical context for it. But it does seem like it is there just to provide a rhyme for speak.

One of the things I do appreciate is when people think hard to create something that is not a string of cliches. I also like new and unusual imagery, and I think the "hair clogged drain" is brilliant!
 
gecko zzed said:
. . . interesting set of lyrics I've seen here. If these emerge in a song I would be keen to hear it.

Was this intended to be complete? If so, then I would like to see some alternatives to the last line, which doesn't fire me up as much as the others. Alone, it is weak, and maybe I need a musical context for it. But it does seem like it is there just to provide a rhyme for speak.

One of the things I do appreciate is when people think hard to create something that is not a string of cliches. I also like new and unusual imagery, and I think the "hair clogged drain" is brilliant!
Click to expand...

I also loved the drain. I would drop the 'hair clogged' but not because it's gross. The 'mind swirling' in the same line is the reason I would use 'thoughts circle the drain' instead. Water, or anything else, seldom swirls or circles a clogged drain. I love the poem in every other respect.
 
the first couplet is great. the next two are good, but possibly use a pronoun instead of reusing the word answers...so maybe..."the right ones are told..."

the next part with "you leave...everything is much"

could be re structured to make use of the drain and sane. possibly something like...

You leave there with your mind swirling, circling... the stopped up drain's more sane, everything's much clearer, when you don't have to speak.
 
hey, thanks a lot for the words of wisdom. Ill work on it and eventually repost it.
 
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