Please read these lyrics as a poem,

[bloomboy]

and tell me what you think. Or don't.

i walked out raining from the elevated train
i smelled the energy, the wet leaves on cement
growing with our footsteps, water poured out of the sky
and as the streets were swallowed up forgot all our regrets

i saw you smiling as you swam between the buildings
your face in every city window looking west
your shape in fire escapes, your breath upon the air,
a hundred thousand panes of glass, a newspaper that came to rest

atop the very highest building
the city is a game i used to play when i was young
we’d walk alone for miles along the highway
and when the water reached our height were lifted to the sun

oh, it was beautiful
it was incredible

the crashing of the waves between the
skyscrapers we’d carved our caves in
made it sound like cars still drove below

i looked over the edge at everybody floating by
and saw my face reflected in their eyes

and as you drifted farther out, you didn’t say a word
i think you saw me but my wave went unreturned

still the rain comes down
the water grows
the sun sinks low
it’s getting cold

 

[azraelswings]

>i walked out raining from the elevated train
>i smelled the energy, the wet leaves on cement
>growing with our footsteps, water poured out of the sky
>and as the streets were swallowed up forgot all our regrets

smelled the energy strikes me as a little difficult to interpret. I dont really know what you're getting at, and it seems kinda cliche. Water pouring out of the sky is also a bit of a cliche but it doesn't grab so much attention that it really matters, if that makes sense.

>i saw you smiling as you swam between the buildings
>your face in every city window looking west
>your shape in fire escapes, your breath upon the air,
>a hundred thousand panes of glass, a newspaper that came to rest

Good way to describe the city. Very nice images. That "breath upon the air" kinda bugs me. Upon is the kind of word that very few people use in speech nowadays. Now, if you're of the opinion that poetry should mimic speech, lose "upon." If not, leave it. I would replace it, but my opinion matters very little when compared to yours.

>atop the very highest building
>the city is a game i used to play when i was young
>we’d walk alone for miles along the highway
>and when the water reached our height were lifted to the sun

Lifted to the sun confuses me

>oh, it was beautiful
>it was incredible

Rather than saying how beautiful and incredible the experience was, describe it so that the reader can see the beauty and feel the incredibility. If that's a word.

>the crashing of the waves between the
>skyscrapers we’d carved our caves in
>made it sound like cars still drove below

Comparing city apts/officespace to caves is pretty sweet, IMHO. For me, it says that people have progressed a great deal in technology and things, but are as emotionally connected as cave people were technologically advanced. I don't know if thats what you meant it to say, but thats how I read it and I like it.

>i looked over the edge at everybody floating by
>and saw my face reflected in their eyes

face reflected in eyes is kinda overused and sentimental. I don't think these lines really further the poem.

>and as you drifted farther out, you didn’t say a word
>i think you saw me but my wave went unreturned

Brings to mind the end of a relationship as someone moves away. Kinda cool.

>still the rain comes down
>the water grows
>the sun sinks low
>it’s getting cold

Nothing special in the conclusion, but nothing bad either.

Some very good stuff in here. With a bit more structure you could probably get a song out of it. Also, a lot of times things that are "cliche" or otherwise not well suited for poetry can make great lyrics, provided there's a strong melody.

Keep up.

 

[bloomboy]

Thanks for the crit

>i walked out raining from the elevated train
>in thunderclouds above my head through wet leaves on cement
>growing with our footsteps, water fell out of the sky
>and as the streets were swallowed up forgot all our regrets

I was trying to give an impression of the tension or energy in the air before a storm. Anyone who has ever been in a thunderstorm in the southwest US will know what I'm talking about. But it's really hard to describe. Do you think this does a better job than before? it is less literal. and also more literal. now i am confused.If it helps the line "fell out of the sky" is sung in a very breathy, wonder-filled tone; i was trying to suggest simple childlike wonderment at the fact that water is indeed pouring right out of the sky. Does that seem like it would work?


>i saw you smiling as you swam between the buildings
>your face in every city window looking west
>your shape in fire escapes, your breath upon the air,
>a hundred thousand panes of glass, a newspaper that came to rest


>atop the very highest building
>the city is a game i used to play when i was young
>we’d walk alone for miles along the highway
>and when the water reached our height were lifted past where we'd begun

i was trying to be very childlike and idealistic. the idea being that the narrator doesn't know what "lifted to the sun" really means either. but looking back, that is pretty vague and confusing. do you think this works better?

>oh, it was beautiful
>it was incredible

this is the one place where i'll get a little defensive
i'm all for evoking rather than just describing, but the point of this passage isn't that it was actually beautiful or incredible. This is our "character" trying to convince himself that it was. I think it will also help in getting this across that the music in this part will sort of wash over the vocals and make it just barely possible to make out the words.

>the crashing of the waves between the
>skyscrapers we’d carved our caves in
>made it sound like cars still drove below

---->Comparing city apts/officespace to caves is pretty sweet, IMHO. For me, it says that people have progressed a great deal in technology and things, but are as emotionally connected as cave people were technologically advanced. I don't know if thats what you meant it to say, but thats how I read it and I like it.

thanks. that was how i intended it. not in quite so specific a way, but i meant to suggest that we are still quite primitive, even with our bigger toys. glad that got through.

>i looked over the edge at everybody floating by
>through rhythmic quiet of the grey and glowing sky

--->face reflected in eyes is kinda overused and sentimental. I don't think these lines really further the poem.<<<
i wanted to create the sense of all these different people borne about helplessly by the water, but not neccesarily in a scary way. which is why the first line is so passive. Also it provides context for the next two lines. that's really why it's there; to set the stage for the following two lines. do you think it works better now?

>and as you drifted farther out, you didn’t say a word
>i think you saw me but my wave went unreturned

Brings to mind the end of a relationship as someone moves away. Kinda cool.

>still the rain comes down
>the water grows
>the sun sinks low
>it’s getting cold

this part is supposed to represent the sudden coldness and lack of the "oh boy i have a bright future" feeling (for lack of a better phrase) at the end of a relationship that you've lost interest in, but still feel sort of cold and alone without.

thanks a lot, more crits welcome

 

[32-20-Blues]

and tell me what you think.

Some nice writing in there.

One point....this is a poem, not a song, right? Poetry and lyrics are different things. I mean, people call Bob Dylan a poet, but he isn't. If he was a poet, he would be a shit one on the basis of his words alone. He is, however, one of the most amazing songwriters of all time.

I like this, but it will be different if you wanna sing it. Nice work.

 

[Ced]

I like that poem and love the last lines!!

and for the thing about poetry can't be a song.. two of my favorites singer are incredible poets!!
Look for Thursday (especelly "understanding in a car crash" or "how long is the night") or Thrice ("deadbolt", "silhouette" or "the earth will shake")

I consider those songs as poems and songs... and they are awesome

Anyway!! nice shit man!
Ced

 

[bloomboy]

thanks a lot
yeah, the music was actually written before I wrote any of this, so it definitely fits in time. The song structure is a little weird, definitely not the typical verse/chorus/verse etc., which is why the structure is as weird as it is.