Please Rate These Lyrics Open To Constructive Criticism

  • Thread starter Thread starter ArcaneKnight
  • Start date Start date
A

ArcaneKnight

New member
Rate my lyrics please?

A broken window
A shattered glass
An unhinged door
A house of ash

Chorus
Cuban snow fell from the sky
She breathes it in with teary eyes
Sweet Mary Jane corrupts a child
She stands up and waves herself goodbye

Black tar stains
An orphans tears
The devil's dandruff
Calms all our fears
He's china white
And bitter cold
It won't last long
Just 'til he's old

Cuban snow falls from the sky
She breathes it in with teary eyes
Sweet Mary Jane corrupts a child
She stands up and waves herself goodbye

Mini Solo

Sweet Mary Jane corrupts a child
(music stops)
She stands up and waves herself goodbye
(music restarts)
(Guitar Solo)
End
 
Very good lyrics, very evocative, but lyrics (sadly) are not a very important part of a song. People don't listen to words unless they are very stoned or whatever. The only thing that matters is the music. So the music has to be interesting, thought provoking, and all sorts of other stuff, but don't confuse music with poetry ( words) because they are two very different things.

I hope you will receive this in the spirit in which it was sent, as a heartfelt bit of advice to a fellow musician, good luck, and may all your dreams come true. Tim
 
I'm a songwriter myself and one mistake I realize is writing lyrics that does not relate to people's emotions, situations, etc. So if you ask yourself to whom is this song targeted to? It is why songs like "You're my inspiration" by Chicago, "Endless love" by Diana Ross/Lionel Richie become hits and requested often during weddings, Valentines day and background music in restaurants or any dating place because it relates easily to people without requiring them to over-analyze the lyrics. Songwriters/publishers of these songs must be receiving a lot of deals and royalties.

Although I admit often times a lot of people cannot entirely memorize the lyrics or even does not care the lyrics at all, its the lyrical hook (typically the words on the song chorus) and the song title that would stay always on the people mind. So if you want to write a "hard to forget" song with marketability in mind, write a lyrics that something people can easily relate to.Of course, it you want it to become hits, it takes more than lyrics- write great song hook melodies and music as catchy and addictive as possible.

By the way your lyrics is good but I can hardly find things that can relate to it.
 
ArcaneKnight said:
Rate my lyrics please?

A broken window
A shattered glass
An unhinged door
A house of ash

Chorus
Cuban snow fell from the sky
She breathes it in with teary eyes
Sweet Mary Jane corrupts a child
She stands up and waves herself goodbye

Black tar stains
An orphans tears
The devil's dandruff
Calms all our fears
He's china white
And bitter cold
It won't last long
Just 'til he's old

Cuban snow falls from the sky
She breathes it in with teary eyes
Sweet Mary Jane corrupts a child
She stands up and waves herself goodbye

Mini Solo

Sweet Mary Jane corrupts a child
(music stops)
She stands up and waves herself goodbye
(music restarts)
(Guitar Solo)
End
Click to expand...
Unlike the other two responses, I believe that the lyrics are important. Lyrics and music should complement each other--both are a valuable part of a good song.

That said, you seem to be writing a drug song, but I can't tell whether you're for it or against it. You seem to mix several different types of drugs, as well. China white, Mary Jane, snow, etc. but I'm not seeing how they all connect with each other.

Lots of great images. I love the "Cuban snow", though I wasn't aware that Cuba was a producer. I don't see (again) how the Cuban snow connects with Mary Jane, or where the final line of the chorus relates.

Overall, as I said, you have some great images. (The devil's dandruff? Never heard that one before--humorous, which the rest of the lyrics don't seem to be. From "just the lyrics" it doesn't seem to match the rest of the feelings.) But it seems rather random. In the second verse section, who is "he" who is the china white? The devil (if so, when will the devil get old in the last line?) The orphan? Someone else? The chorus refers to "she", another disconnect from this verse. If you're trying to just put various images together, it's pretty good. If you're trying to say something, I'm not getting it.

Really good music might overcome the disconnected lyrics. That's been done before. Even half way decent music could work if you're already famous. (The Beatles and Dylan, for example, did it fairly often.)

Anyway, not knowing your intent with the song, I can't recommend any "improvements", just tell you what I see...Always keep in mind, though, it's YOUR song. Write it however you want.

Hope that helps.
 
Lyrics are important, as is poetry and literature. Some folk don't care for them but the writers do & many listeners/readers do too. One of the reasons folk are not tuned into lyrics is because of the dross that was traditionally contrived as sentiment or dross to simply give the melody a vehicle.
Lyrics that connect emotionally are very popular & pop music is full of them music that connects emotionally and intellectually is less common. Some folk write lyrics to convey a message, a dogma, a perspective or a concept. Others string together words that sound good together.
All of these are valid.
I commend you for writing lyrics as a narrative.
Now,
glass and ash ALMOST rhyme and in the post hip hop world almost is usually good enough.
You may be able to pull it off with a god melody but if it "kind of" sound rhymed and reads as not a rhyme (unless you strangle vowels and sounds liek Johnny Cougar's Twony for twenty or something is the slurring of Joe Cocker or the bizarre early vocals of James Reyne when he was in Australian Crawl) it won't look good & that will lessen the impact for lyric readers.

A broken window
A shattered glass
An unhinged door
A house of ash rhyme

Chorus
Cuban snow fell from the sky (try Cuban snow fell from US skies)
She breathes it in with teary eyes false rhyme due to the plural
Sweet Mary Jane corrupts a child (is this dragging on the chi to follow the rhyme?) Is that dope? It suggests Marijuana as a gate way drug - are you sure you want to tack that somewhat discredited line of thought?
She stands up and waves herself goodbye Cool line except for up

Black tar stains
An orphans tears orphan's
The devil's dandruff I'd leave out the
Calms all our fears leave out all
He's china white
And bitter cold
It won't last long
Just 'til he's old

Cuban snow falls from the sky
She breathes it in with teary eyes
Sweet Mary Jane corrupts a child
She stands up and waves herself goodbye leave up out

Mini Solo

Sweet Mary Jane corrupts a child
(music stops)
She stands up and waves herself goodbye leave up out
(music restarts)
(Guitar Solo)
End

Not enough lyric for my eyes - you repeat too much too often. You've created some good word pictures and shuould try some more - maybe take the repeated lines and change them a bit like:

Bolivian snow in the skies
She breathes it in and gives a sigh
Sweet Mary Jane smoke in her eyes
She stands and bids herself goodbye
 
Folkie-- China white was a synthetic heroin on the market in the 80s, it was mostly fentanyl and fentanyl analogue based, The devils dandruff is an old timer term for cocaine, heard it many times. This is very clearly a drug song so if that was suppose to be subtle or veiled, it is not. I don't like the anti marijuana theme but thats your business not mine and the actual lyrics were decent, I just disagree with the sentiment.
 
1 post in his 1/2 doz days of membership & no response to comments suggests that this little fella isn't coming back. Another drop in?
 
It just seems more like clever puzzle then a song? All the drug innuendo is clever but to what end does it serve? What is the song trying to say - drugs wreak your life? I want someone's narrative I can connect with not just abstraction and concepts.
 
I've written a ton of songs, and some of them make sense, and some make absolutely no sense. Not all songs are meant to tell a story. Sometimes its stuff that just comes to mind that you write down when emotions are swirling or theres stuff going on in your life.

I'll echo some of the other thoughts about the lyrics that it does seem a bit confusing because its hard to tell if youre pro or con for drugs. And any time you hit a hot button subject, you open yourself up for redicule, or different kinds of criticism.

I guess the question is, do you like the lyrics, and how does it fit with the song melody? In the end, its your song, do what you like... but try to keep the musical element in mind as well because after all, lyrics without music is just poetry... right?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top