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nopoetic

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here is an acoustic song that i believe is the best ive written so far.


(right click, save-target as to download)

for once i recall, the silence we enjoyed
carveing out our lives through simple conversation
all the world relys on filling empty air
while im left content with breathing in your eyes

wispers among the trees
nature takes its grasp
through time and space
ive found what we both can see

somewhere on the road, i'll find myself alone
sealed in the cracks, burried with my thoughts
i'll convince myself that everything was real
felt through our silence, today

years never pass, moments never cease
alone together, alone again
 
hi neopoetic

hmmm...where to start?
um, musically you're not quite cracking those high notes in the chorus; something's going wrong with your guitar fingering, lots of notes not sounding. Ok ok, but it's just a sketch, right? So... just pay attention to the performance.

I really like acoustic, folk type songs. I don't know why you start the intro out at this moderate pace, then speed up for the song? It's quite jarring; you've set up a good tempo and after 8 bars you abandon it. If it was me, I'd work on that; I'd probably keep the song at the intro's slower tempo.

With regards to songwriting, it's a simple idea, relationship blues. And it's a really sweet song.
There's a lot of words really quickly, and I feel a little overwhelmed (could be because of the speed you're playing). It's still a little wordy, and I think meaning is getting lost. Instead of "For once I recall" try "I remember", try replace "While I'm left content" with "I was happy" or something. See what I mean? Basically, wherever you're rushing words (which seems to be mostly at the beginnings of lines), try reduce the syllables so that you've got more time.
Sometimes the lines seem as if you're trying to use more words to make it sound...smarter...or something. Just write in the same way you speak.

Ok, that's all I have time for. Remember, it's just what I think. Good luck.
 
Test. Just a little test as I'm new around here, off to the tascam forum. I like those lyrics, BTW.
 
Hey man, that really is a nice track there.

I must agree with NationalSandwic concerning the chorus - in regards to the vocals & missed notes. This is by far the weakest part of the song.

Maybe I'm being too traditional and missing a key element in your songwriting...I don't know. My thought is that your chorus (at least in this case) should be quite powerful. I don't mean 'powerful' like in the power ballad-whitesnake-hair band sense of the word..more like a Pixies influence on this one. Rawer, upfront choruses sound super huge sandwiched between 2 softer, sweeter verses.

Just a thought.

I must disagree with the previous poster, however, and say that I like the busy vocal style. I'd keep the verse vocals as you delivered them here.

I love the intro though. I think the only 'jarring' part of the song is the chorus. Again, try to make it "less sensitive"...for lack of a better phrase. Not that what you have is terrible...I am just interested in hearing a different direction here.
 
I actually really like the song - I think it could really be something, but it does need a bit of work.

I prefer the faster tempo, but I agree the slower intro doesn't work - it sounds to distant from the song, and then when the song opens up the listener feels a bit lost. I'd like to hear a slower version of the song though - maybe I'll come around :)

Vocally I like the sound of your voice - it's quite unique at times, especially on the line "I've convinced myself that everything is real". However the delivery needs a bit of work - as NationalSanwic says, you're not really hitting those higher notes particularly on the chorus.

Are you recording this in a dorm or somewhere that you have to sing/play quietly? Cos it sounds a bit like that. Your voice sounds better when you're not whispering.

As well as that, there are some timing issues with the vox, but I agree with NationalSanwic that this could be solved by reducing the number of words in each line. At the moment the lyrical low isn't really there, especially at the start of each line.

Overall though, it's a really sweet song - I like short songs that give you a picture of something, which this does well. The only thing I'd change about the lyrics is like I said to reduce the number of words so that it's a bit more singable.

Other than that - really nice song - a great start to something good.
 
I would say that you words in written form is an awesome poem and could be great song lyrics if you sang them differently over the progression. I agree with the comment that was made that your words don't have time to develop in the listeners mind. Also, I don't think your verse melody is really lending itself to that G, D/F#, F, C/E progression.
 
i actually like the lo-fi recordings of the songs i do more so than over produced ones i hear commonly. now not to say that recording quality improved upon is bad, if its done right, its the best you can get, but its hard to get it right...its easy to just let the recorder make that buzz and give it a more natural/raw/intimate/whateveryouwannacallit sound. now, yes the vocals could be improved vastly as well as the guitar work, but then again its kind of raw, not everything should be perfect, but the most obvious errors should be corrected. the lyrics i like a lot and too much to change them, but i could work with different melodies over each part, i like them now, but they could be better i guess, more catchy. the lyrics again though i like too much, they probably wont change very much besides and few words here and there. thanks for your comments and im glad, even the most unsatisified listeners said they enjoyed it. thanks again.
 
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