Original Song: Dim Star

[AaronChapman]

https://soundcloud.com/aaron-chap/dim-star?in=aaron-chap/sets/the-mountain-cries
What do you think?

Lyrics:

Dim star,
In the humble shade.
Behind the curtain of night,
That swallows its light.
Stage Fright.
Shun each other to shadow.
But amidst the scorching flames,
Hear not a sound.
For no one sees,
For no one cares,
About the dim star.
Lazed in its place,
Its gentle light and tame flames.
Only the moon knows.
And she shows,
By the frown on her face.
Dim star,
Won't you shine.
Won't you shine,
Tonight.

 

[Atkron205]

https://soundcloud.com/aaron-chap/dim-star?in=aaron-chap/sets/the-mountain-cries
What do you think?

Lyrics:

Dim star,
In the humble shade.
Behind the curtain of night,
That swallows its light.
Stage Fright.
Shun each other to shadow.
But amidst the scorching flames,
Hear not a sound.
For no one sees,
For no one cares,
About the dim star.
Lazed in its place,
Its gentle light and tame flames.
Only the moon knows.
And she shows,
By the frown on her face.
Dim star,
Won't you shine.
Won't you shine,
Tonight.

not a bad song, pitch is pretty good, a little off in a few places. the main thing I noticed is a tone buildup in the 400 to 500 K range, like a standing wave at times. mainly on the guitar. you have a good voice.

 

[AaronChapman]

Thanks for the feedback Atkron, I appreciate it. I'm glad that you didn't dislike the song. You're right, I really need to work on owning my voice more and practising those bridges. I like that you describe that wave feeling because I was hoping people would feel that plodding feeling, like heavy footsteps.

 

[andrushkiwt]

are you looking for mix feedback or songwriting feedback? clearly, the mix needs work. muddy guitar and a weird ambiance to it all, IMO. song-wise, i liked it. but hey, "nookie" sold millions of copies and i think it's absolutely ridiculous as a song. melody is most important, in my book. good melodies here.

 

[famous beagle]

Very odd and interesting. It kind of reminded me of like .... I dunno ... Dream Theater or something maybe. Where are you from? There was an accent that crept into the vocals at times and not at others.

 

[Robus]

I agree with andrushkiwt. Good melody. I liked that sudden falsetto. You could do more with your voice if you cut loose and relaxed (something I need to do as well). Composition wise, I think you need a change up. Maybe a chorus or a bridge that brings a little more energy to the song. Perhaps shift into the relative major. Just some ideas. It's 90% there but needs something more. When you get the song together, put it up on the Clinic for comments on the mix.

 

[AaronChapman]

Thanks for all the comments everyone . I appreciate the insight. Robus, I agree that the song is missing something. I don't think it needs more energy, because I like the pull that the song has from that false lead up; however it needs some kind of change or mix up. I like the suggestion of perhaps easing into the relative major some accompanied by a refrain. I think the problem is that we have two areas in the song with this build up but the resolve is kind of diminished because there's little bridging between or something to tie it together. Thanks for the input everyone. I might finish the song, but I don't know how much time I want to invest into my music. I have been playing the guitar for years now and have been writing songs for a few years. I wrote most of my songs during a darker time in my life and haven't played any of the songs from my demo since the days I recorded them. I'm not sure if I want to invest more time into all of this or just focus on other priorities. We'll see. Have a good day everyone.