Opinnions of these lyrics.

T

tranquillant

New member
I don't know if it'll make any difference but I tried writing slightly different lyrics
than what I normally write and was just wondering how you guys see them?

Dead Poet

An empty paper
Quill and ink on the floor
Blood on the carpet
The moon gives a wink trough the window

Silence in the halls
No footsteps, just a candle
Flickering in the cold wind
The autumn is coming

A half full glass on the table
Red wine of vintage
A vial of poison on the table
Last words left unsaid

The grave is silent
No flowers, no stone
No weeping children
Only words fading away

The place overgrown
Forgotten by the world
Once a haven for the kind,
The kind who lived

Bulldozers are coming
The earth is shaking and crying
The wind singing its serenade
As the history crumbles to dust

People hurrying inside the great tower
Of new layers of stone and marble it was built
Only whispers of the past
Of the great thoughts it once held

I'm in the process of tracking the song right now, will post a clip when
it's in satisfactory condition.
 
Seems really dark and deep but somehow I could see through the meaning of this. I'm also excited for the arrangement of this song. I'm expecting thick bass lines for this to have that dark effect. :D
 
Since you ask I'll make some comments - my normal advice is "don't post lyrics without musical context", and "don't ask for opinions on lyrics anyway", but whatever..

1. Nothing rhymes or scans, so I assume this will all work in the context of the music, when we hear it
2. Point 1 notwithstanding, you end with "on the table" twice in three lines in one of the verses...
3. Vial of poison on the table & also blood on the floor. I get you've killed the bastard off, but how?
4. Not getting the link between the first half of the song and the doomsday scenario at the end - what are you saying? I'm completely missing the point of the last two verses and how they relate to your dead poet, and people hurrying inside a large building when bulldozers are apparently on the loose, presumably knocking buildings down
5. Bleak is easy. We can all do bleak. Don't mistake bleak for deep, or interesting.

None of this, BTW, means that it won't be a marvellous song, just that it's easy to pick lyrics apart, without musical context.

Post it in the clinic when you've recorded it and let's have a listen how it's all come together.:D
 
Armistice said:
Since you ask I'll make some comments - my normal advice is "don't post lyrics without musical context", and "don't ask for opinions on lyrics anyway", but whatever..

1. Nothing rhymes or scans, so I assume this will all work in the context of the music, when we hear it
2. Point 1 notwithstanding, you end with "on the table" twice in three lines in one of the verses...
3. Vial of poison on the table & also blood on the floor. I get you've killed the bastard off, but how?
4. Not getting the link between the first half of the song and the doomsday scenario at the end - what are you saying? I'm completely missing the point of the last two verses and how they relate to your dead poet, and people hurrying inside a large building when bulldozers are apparently on the loose, presumably knocking buildings down
5. Bleak is easy. We can all do bleak. Don't mistake bleak for deep, or interesting.

None of this, BTW, means that it won't be a marvellous song, just that it's easy to pick lyrics apart, without musical context.

Post it in the clinic when you've recorded it and let's have a listen how it's all come together.:D
Click to expand...

its not really a doomsday scenario and if you got that from the lyrics I need to rethink them a bit as I thought it was obvious what the lyrics were about. and it was about a poet, talented lonely man who got rid of himself and his house and all that he was was forgotten and "buldozered down" to make way to new
"
 
Also look at your rhythm structure. Some verses the first line (or 2nd line) has 5 syllables, others 8. Although a good singer can make this work with the right musical structure, its more difficult to do.
 
mjbphotos said:
Also look at your rhythm structure. Some verses the first line (or 2nd line) has 5 syllables, others 8. Although a good singer can make this work with the right musical structure, its more difficult to do.
Click to expand...

Yeah I know, I have to challenge myself always otherwise how can I get any better :)

and also as I started recording I had to arrange the lyrics a bit
 
Dead Poet('s Society)

An empty paper - Piece, rheem, bundle, scrap - the amount of paper - unless a news paper needs to be quanitified in standard English. Now if you substitute page it'd work easily.

Quill and ink on the floor
Blood on the carpet - carpet usually denotes a complete floor covering & rug something that partially covers the floor so these two lines conflict
The moon gives a wink trough the window With what preceded it I think The moon winks through a the window would be better.

Silence in the halls
No footsteps, just a candle you countered sound with light
Flickering in the cold wind
The autumn is coming autimn rarely needs The infornt of it as we wouldn't say the noon, the midnight.

A half full glass on the table
Red wine of vintage
A vial of poison on the table repeat rather than rhyme doesn't read well & will sound clunky
Last words left unsaid

The grave is silent
No flowers, no stone
No weeping children Were it a poet would not the weeping be by a lover/fan/woman?
Only words fading away where are the words if no stone?

The place, overgrown
Forgotten by the world
Once a haven for the kind,
The kind who lived The probablt dual meaning of kind doesn't really work.

Bulldozers are coming
The earth is shaking and crying
The wind singing its serenade singing a serenade doesn't fit with the rest of the images
As the history crumbles to dust

People hurrying inside the great tower a weak word
Of new layers of stone and marble it was built really clunky
Only whispers of the past cool
Of the great thoughts it once held

Not a bad beginning but you do need to make the lines work with each other and decide on a metre and scan that works in writing because you offered it it writing.
 
Nice job. The song is deep as some have already written. I like that style because it leaves so much to the imagination for interpretation. Keep writing and experimenting with phrasing, don't get used to a certain style because they may start to sound similar, just my opinion. Damien Rice who I really like writes very haunting songs. Take a listen if u haven't already. Otherwise, great job!
 
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