opinions....

[goodbyebluesky]

I turned these lyrics out 2 nights ago and have been refining them. I can sing this while playing so while the rhythm of the words might seem inconsistent, each line of it goes quite well over the riff. And its kind of an acoustic indie rock thing so I wasn't even that picky about the rhyming scheme as long as it flowed. What do you guys think?


She said, i’ll be home
next year
so photographs and pictures of, the places that we came to love
I'll send to you

Palm trees and powerlines, the city lights they fill the sky
this town was ours, for a short while

Shutters closed keep out the wind, the sound of waves keeps crashing in
that night was ours, and ours alone

This stretch of sand we walked each day, we lit a fire and fanned the flames
but it all seems lost, when seasons change

I'll be, wai-ai-ai-ting
I will wait for you 'til summer is through.
rolled windows down, you're homeward bound
and I'll be waiting in this long lost town

 

[Thunder33]

if you want my honest opinion, then here it is......don't hate me.....and remember, this is why it takes me years to write lyrics for one song.....

personally, I cannot stand to hear about home, photographs, beaches (sand/waves) fire/flames, or the seasons. Why? Because there are about 37 million songs about that stuff already.

But, it is not about what I like. It is about what pleases you. So if you like the words, go with it. And hell, if it is sung well enough or has a good catch, it might not even matter. I like the new song by Nickleback called Photograph and I hate Nickleback. There is just something about that one that grabs me. So keep on truckin', man. Just my $.02

 

[Hugo H]

There's a small flaw in the lyrics you might want to correct. Your first lines ("She said, i’ll be home next year") have you addressing someone else about a girl. The entire remainder of the song addresses the girl. So I'd suggest making the first word "You". Just a small point-of-view change, for what it's worth.

 

[goodbyebluesky]

But, it is not about what I like. It is about what pleases you. So if you like the words, go with it. And hell, if it is sung well enough or has a good catch, it might not even matter. I like the new song by Nickleback called Photograph and I hate Nickleback. There is just something about that one that grabs me. So keep on truckin', man. Just my $.02

Thank you, that was diplomatic. Personally I can't stand nickelback and that new single convinces me all the more. Its like it doesn't even have a hook or much to grab you, imo. Plus it irritates me that he ryhmes "photograph "and "laugh" I don't know why.
The imagery is...... well quite natural for me. I live in Florida, seasons changing here are more subtle so sometimes its like it takes you by suprise. I also listen to a lot of old Further seems Forever so a lot of beachtown imagery riddles my mind. And its not a pop/rock radio sounding song, its just some an indie song over fingerstyle minor7 and add9 chords.

There's a small flaw in the lyrics you might want to correct. Your first lines ("She said, i’ll be home next year") have you addressing someone else about a girl. The entire remainder of the song addresses the girl. So I'd suggest making the first word "You". Just a small point-of-view change, for what it's worth.

I'm trying to figure out a way to fix that........ without having to change the first line.

 

[Grey Angel]

My opinion is, it sounds like a perfect lyric for an acoustic indie song .

My other opinion is, your name is awesome, because it's in a Pink Floyd song, and I shall give you good rep for it

Oh, and my favorite band also did a live cover of it. That's also a plus

 

[goodbyebluesky]

My opinion is, it sounds like a perfect lyric for an acoustic indie song .

My other opinion is, your name is awesome, because it's in a Pink Floyd song, and I shall give you good rep for it

Oh, and my favorite band also did a live cover of it. That's also a plus

Thank you, its what I'm going for. Goodbyebluesky has basically become my name for this project, although it does not require one at this point. Within the next year I'll be recording several songs when I get the gear equation worked out, and work on my singing. (ex-drummer, only played guitar on the side and NEVER sung.)

 

[Thunder33]

Thank you, that was diplomatic. Personally I can't stand nickelback and that new single convinces me all the more. Its like it doesn't even have a hook or much to grab you, imo. Plus it irritates me that he ryhmes "photograph "and "laugh" I don't know why.
The imagery is...... well quite natural for me. I live in Florida, seasons changing here are more subtle so sometimes its like it takes you by suprise. I also listen to a lot of old Further seems Forever so a lot of beachtown imagery riddles my mind. And its not a pop/rock radio sounding song, its just some an indie song over fingerstyle minor7 and add9 chords.


I'm trying to figure out a way to fix that........ without having to change the first line.

Don't get me wrong, I am not out flying the nickleback flag. It just seemed to catch a lot better than the other 17,000 songs that they have infiltrating the airwaves these days. Either way, when you get this recorded, I want to listen. Maybe I will like it anyway.

 

[pointfive]

I like these lyrics quite a bit. They conjure up a strong image, and it's an image that interests me and draws me in. I'd like to hear this song.

The only part I don't like is, "we lit a fire and fanned the flames". Partly, I find the alliteration distracting (though the alliteration through the rest of the song doesn't bother me), and partly because it's kind of cliché.

My favorite line is, "Palm trees and powerlines, the city lights they fill the sky / this town was ours, for a short while".

The lyrics manage to be sentimental--sappy, even--without being corny. Or if they are corny, they're corny in a good way, not an annoying way.

 

[goodbyebluesky]

I like these lyrics quite a bit. They conjure up a strong image, and it's an image that interests me and draws me in. I'd like to hear this song.

My favorite line is, "Palm trees and powerlines, the city lights they fill the sky / this town was ours, for a short while".

Thank you

The only part I don't like is, "we lit a fire and fanned the flames". Partly, I find the alliteration distracting (though the alliteration through the rest of the song doesn't bother me), and partly because it's kind of cliché.

I agree with you, thats why I changed the line to:

"this stretch of sand we walked each day, I held your hand by the skeeball lane
but it all seems lost, when seasons change"

Not sure if it will stay, but its better than before I think.