Opinions please.

[sethjewell]

To my favourite hearbreaker,
And to the greatest lovefaker.
With nothing to your name,
Except your misery
I'd just like to know.
-
How come we,
Never made up, just made out.
And all you ever wanted was out.
Of my arms.
And why, oh why.
You never let me know the right things to say
To make you stay.
-
It's been a hard three days.
Replaced in a day.
Those four hours,
Last forever.
And we'll,
-
Never make up, just make out.
And you'll always want out
Of my arms.
And I'll never know the right things to say
To make you stay.
-
And I hope you choke,
On his smile
(I hope he lasts you a while)
And I pray,
That your lips taste,
Of mine.
When he's wrapped around your like a vine.
-
Oh,
Your friends are on my side,
Your comments,
So snide.
Oh baby,
It's not alright.




Any suggestions to make it better?

 

[sethjewell]

No feedback? Is it that bad?

 

[up-fiddler]

This song is....

....very personal to you. Since you have the timeline/storyline clearly set in your mind it is easy for you to follow. It is difficult for the rest of us though. There is nothing wrong with highly personal tunes. I have written many myself. It is hard for those "outside the circle" to relate to them however.

For my taste the song is cliche ridden. (IE heartbreaker lovefaker) Cliches are fine in a pop song. In a very personal song you have an opportunity to show off your writing skills to "the inner circle" of people who are the characters in the tune. My feeling is that you should take that opportunity during rewrites. It will bring more life to your lyrics and give you an opportunity to grow as a writer.

Whatever you decide, best of luck.

 

[gecko zzed]

^^^ What he said.

This does seem to be a highly specific set of lyrics relating to a particular episode in your life.

I wasn't quite as concerned as Dave about the cliches (although I'm usually first to complain about them).

I just find it difficult to comment on a set of lyrics that seems so specifically directed; its target and message are clear, which is all you would want. What else is there to say?