One More Day

T

theron

New member
Here is a little story song that I've been working on. Any thoughts or help in shining it up would be great.


Nowell knew just what to do
to make Omar her man
Her shirt went up, her skirt went down
on the bed, she spred her plan.

Omar's heart was thumping
he couldn't believe his luck
when she called him in the bedroom
he said we're finally gonna.........talk.

Nowell was just a'bumbin' but, Omar was making love
She thanked the tingling down below
he thanked the stars above.

Chorus,

Now he's whispering that he loves her
she replies "I love you too"
she doesn't really mean it
but what's a girl to do
IF she tells the truth
she'll lose her rolling in the hay
but, that boy is so damn cute
GIVE ME ONE MORE GRINDING DAY.


Six months down the road
Omar was walking on cloud nine
my baby, she's amazing
says she happy to be mine.

But, Nowell was all done bumping
though she felt a little cruel
she simply up and left him
a heart broken fool

Chorus?

Now he's cursing his thin reason
so easily decived
he's tearing out his heart
that he'll never again believe
He's begging for his angle
that forever went away
at night he cries a prayer
GIVE ME ONE MORE LOVING DAY

(instumental break)

Nowell's been reminising
bout all the selfish things she's done
Omar, he's hell bent on feeling good
and having fun.

Chorus?

Ain't no way to be living in
yesturdays miserys
what's the sence in guessing
at tommorrows mysteries

Love it keeps on pumping,
though, we never know the way
if you're lucky you might find it

WITH ONE MORE PRECIOUS DAY.




Thanks for the read. Please excuse all bad spelling and such.
Any comments as to content and flow would be great.

Theron.
 
I think it's a pretty cool song - good idea. Excuse the excitement, but a chorus went through my head - every time I got to it - something like..

Can't ignore your instincts
you're reeling from above
Find it where you get it -
a true and trusting love..

(For what it's worth)

Great job! I'd love to hear it when its finished..

Regards,
Jim
 
Thanks for the read and advice Jim. Got the song together, just don't know when I'll get to recording it.
Theron.
 
Not to brow beat but, is there any other input or insights into this write. It sounds good to me but, that is cause I wrote it and play it alone in the basement. I've no objectivity and could be overlooking a huge gap in the flow of the story. Any more thoughts?

Don, I've always been stricken by your acute insights on my posts and others. Am I missing anything so obtuse that I can't see it from my (the close and oh, so personal) angle?

Thanks.
Theron.
 
Theron,

On first read I really liked it, though there are a few parts where the words kinda...felt rough. Nothing criminal, just seems like a few places where they were slightly forced.

On the second read, I can't find them. Its a good read, good story. Wordwise, I wanted to see "broken hearted fool" just for the flow of it, but then I don't know what the music is like there.

Me thinks its good... no earth shaking suggestions.

Chris
 
Chris,

Thanks for the quick responce and read. Your comments are encouraging. The reason for "heart broken fool" as apposed to "broken hearted fool" is one of sylables. It can't be explained without an audio example. I really appreciate your attention. I like the lyrics but, hope that I'm not fooling myself. Ya know what I mean? Some lyrics sound clever and clear to the author untill they meet the cold light of other ears.

Thanks again,

Theron.
 
Cute, Theron.
I laughed at some of it. Funny.

I was going to comment on the useage of a phrase, but Chris beat me to it.
Looking back over it, I can see what your talking about. It's in the music, I bet. But it fits.

Nice song and the point comes across with no problem.
Can't wait to hear it.
 
Hey Theron cool lyric got some really nice stuff goin on!Griding and stuff and its still cute!Maybe its because of the names you used?
Seems like the second section wants to be the first..and vice versa..example
Omar's heart was pumpin'
.......
Then
.......
Nowell knew just what do do
......
The introduction of the charectors would be a little smoother{IMHO}
Also
Nowell was stumblin' about,But Omar was makein' love.
...
If you could rewrite it as a duet it would be really VERY cool
Nice stuff bud..Good luck


Don
 
Thanks very much for the read and comments Don.
The duet idea is very tasty. It never occured to me. I will work on it as is and see if I can't find a female to croon with for a rewrite.

The flip flop of the first two verses might be smoother but, it would ruin my pause with the "gonna...........talk" line.

Perhaps I should make a rough recording and post it here.


Thanks again for the read. Your time is appreciated. Glad you dug the lyrics.

Theron.
 
I couldnt help but think Sublime when i read it! =D
Very cool though...listen to Date Rape and then apply it a bit to your song. Just a melody i mean.
 
I know of Sublime but, the reference is lost on me. I'll check it out and see if it is applicable.

Thanks for checking out the lyrics,
Theron.
 
Sublime's self titled album is a staple in any eclectic listeners line up. Its a must. A simply amazing album. And 40 ounces to freedom also rocks the kazbah.
 
I attempted to record a version of this one. It's in the mixing clinic forum if anyone is still interested. "why do the mixing Gods hate me so" post.


Peace,
Theron.
 
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