OK:
There are nicely recorded sounds in it. And the vocal is good. Here's where I think it could be improved:
Less reverb. The whole work it pushed back into the cave. If you had the "in your teeth" presence of the opening congas throughout, it'd be swell.
The bass drum plays a strong figure throughout the song, but the bass never follows it...choosing, instead, to follow the flow of the guitars and keys: that robs the work of power available. A bass sound with a bigger transient, faster decay, some HF slap, and playining with the bass drum. That'a the ticket.
The snare is slappy...all alone. Something with some 'tub'..or an EQ tweak...would be something worth experimanting with.
Now the biggie: melodic intrest and invention:
The playout of the chords is generally blockish unison on keys and guitars. There are some arpeggios in the keys...but all chord tones, and no strong lines to catch an ear. This makes for a boring listen. The only melody I detected in the piece was the vocal.
Maybe imagine a counter-theme or two in some of the chording instruments....significant melodic sentences that compliment and/or work between the vocal melody. Ascending and descending diatonic, two or three note figures. Some lines that have two or more instruments playing together. There is strength and interest in that.....and what the tune lacks. Think of every instrument as one piece of a string quartet. Weave texture, and twist rope.
One other element that could make a lot of interest is the occasional use of
7th's and extensions and voice-led lines in the chords. The chords are [IIRC] all triads, played in what sounds like root position. You can gain strength by opening them...say drop the fifth or third notes an octave...play it in the bass or something. The breakdown part is a good candidate for adding 9ths and sussed chords.....like a 'Sting thing', to add an etherial stain, and differentiate it from the rest of the tune.
If you read music, or have a good ear, it can be a worthwhile thing to study and learn a couple Bach pieces. Playing them opens new possibilities for chordal motion and note choices in your mind. All of the elements that I cited are things taught in Bach and other classical compositions...and in a more confined, less confusing format than, say, jazz. Although playing the flow of lines from a single transcription of the horn section of a Duke Ellington tune is a good way to open imaginaton. Tools to spur your creativity. You don't have to understand the mechanics...just make some new synapses in your brain so you can imagine pleasing melody and chords and motion. It's power for your music. And if you can hear it, you can record it.
Other than that, I'd say listen attentively to a lot of pop music. Listen for the elements I mention...unison counter melody and themes, etc. They are stock and trade tools of the arranger.
Keep on! You record nicely. Restrain from enhancemants. Make the arrangement interesting when it's dry in the mix. Reverb, etc, is no substitute for musical strenght in a composition.
[not trying to sound harsh....trying to inspire you to better things you can't imagine...and offering you a map to get there]
