Okay, here it goes...

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Macpb

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Well, I'm new here, so let me give yall a little background. I'm 16, been musical all my life.. I play the horn, trumpet, guitar, recorder (alto and soprano... okay I'm a dork), and am currently teaching myself trombone and piano. I listen to classic rock, ska, blues, and some pop occasionaly. I'm in a band and I write a majority of the music and lyrics. Nothing too morbid or sad, although a little emotion isn't a bad thing, eh... anyway. I don't know why I'm telling you the background thing, but w/e.. I'm just stalling.

Verse:
My parents, I know, hope that I start to plan my future.
But it feels like they only tell me what they think I'd like to hear.
I know as well as they do that I'll never be a rockstar,
But I know there's more to me then a cubical and some coffee.

Chorus:
Because as long as I have music, I will have a life.
Even if it's living in some train station, playing for nickels and dimes.
It's the one thing that can soothe me, bring my problems to end.
And If I cannot have it, I might as well be dead.

Verse:
I know if I told them what I'd really like to be,
They'd say it's too ambitios, I've got no sense of reality.
I know, maybe it is, and I'm just going crazy.
But at least I'll be able to tell my children I went for all my dreams.

Verse:
I know that when I start to move on,
I'll be able to say I made no comprimise.
Because I just want to be a man, who can happily protest,
That all he ever was and did, was being just himself.



It's a little weak... and I'm trying not to step outside of my experience, especially at my age, or be too niave... hopefully it doesn't. Let me know what you think. Thanks.
 
Hi,
It's good to see a younger person writing....not too shabby either...

One thing I try to do when writing a lyric is to keep the meter...alliteration...and rhymn structure the same...
You did not give us a title to your piece...most commonly...the title is the hook...
The hook is usually a catchy word or phrase which is repeated throughout the chorus...perhaps in the verse...it depends on the structure of the song...

I like the feeling of your lyric and I hope it's OK if I critique this way...


these are my ideas...

Title:
Better Off


Verse 1:
They want me to plan for tomorrow.
I tell them what they want to hear.
Just once I'd like to scream out
It's my life, not just a career

Verse 2:
I'm Going to plan my future
Not planning on no 9 to 5
No cubicle maze of the obscure
I plan on feeling alive

Chorus A:
I'll have a life worth living
as long as I can play,
I'll be alright in my mind
I'll make it anyways..
As long as I have music
I'll be happy every single day
But, if I can't have my music
I'd be better off....
I'd be better off...
dead.....instead

Verse3:
In the train stations and street corners
You'll see me chasing nickels and dimes
Strumming and a-swaying
one part harmony in perfect time

Verse4:
If I told them what I'd really like to be
From now until I die
They'd say I've got no sense of reality.
But I know in my mind's eye

Chorus A:
I'll have a life worth living
as long as I can play,
I'll be alright in my mind
I'll make it anyways..
As long as I have music
I'll be happy every single day
But, if I can't have my music
I'd be better off....
I'd be better off...
dead.....instead

Outro (Bridge):
And when my days are numbered
As I fade to silhouette
I've walked the path I've chosen
And I'll look back with no regrets

Chorus B:
I had a life worth living
I could always seem to play,
I am alright in my mind
I made it anyways..
As long as I had music
I was happy every single day
And because I had my music
I am be better off....
I am be better off....
I am be better off....
In every way....


I dunno man...writing is pretty personal thing....everyone has their own style...everyone is different...ya know?
I really like the idea you have here man....
It is upbeat and a downer at the same time....
Take it easy man,
Joe
 
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I always have a hard time critiqueing peoples lyrics here cause I just don't know what the melody is... makes it hard to get a feel for what they're trying to do....

- Tanlith -
 
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