Ok I've taken everyones tips and this is what I came up with

[lend_me_talent]

This is my latest attempt at writing a pop song

SOMETHING

VERSE 1
been livin life like a romantic comedy
Afraid of anything more concrete
But there is something about her
that stands out to me
As if I might be the river
that flows into her sea
Wonder if she feels the same?
and she'll let herself flow back to me?

VERSE 2
My mind wanders into places
I am too afraid to go
Despite my best efforts to contain them
these thoughts just won’t let go
by Tryin not to think of her
I only lose myself a little more
I'm set adrift in possibilities bliss
tryin to find my way to shore

VERSE 3
I I fell into her eyes
I could not escape
Her lips scare me even more
Just one kiss could seal my fate
I think I'mGonna run away
I dont know what else to do
But I cant even trust myself
Cuz I'd stop running
if she asked me to

CHORUS
something coming over me
dont know what it could be
Theres just something about her
Thats doing something to me


hmm thats it....

 

[Echoes]

I like it Definitely more lyrical than your last post which was, like some people said, more of a poem. I'm not exactly an expert lyricist, but I would suggest 2 things:

1. Try to avoid rhyming words with themselves. In verse 1 you have the rhyme with me/sea/me and then in verse 2 you have go/go. Not a big deal, though.

2. I realize that "Something" is the name of the song and everything, but it seems like having the word repeated 3 times in a 4 line chorus might be a little much.

You might think that I'm being really picky, but it's just because there isn't too much that seems like it should be changed. Nice song.

 

[applesmasher]

big improvement i think. Much more streamlined.

 

[rguagenti]

been livin life like a romantic comedy
Afraid of anything more concrete
But there is something about her
that stands out to me
As if I might be the river
that flows into her sea
Wonder if she feels the same?
and she'll let herself flow back to me?

Good set up. You convey your thought well and the last lines open up what is to follow.

I'm not sure of the rhyming scheme though and how it would fit into a melody, althoug there appears to be an inordinate amount of rhyming e's.(comedy, me, sea, me)


My mind wanders into places
I am too afraid to go
Despite my best efforts to contain them
these thoughts just won’t let go
by Tryin not to think of her
I only lose myself a little more
I'm set adrift in possibilities bliss
tryin to find my way to shore


Again good use of words to convey a state of mind.
My only comment is that the last line about the shore is a bit of a cliche. I have fallen into that trap as well with the use of the shore imagery.


I I fell into her eyes
I could not escape
Her lips scare me even more
Just one kiss could seal my fate
I think I'mGonna run away
I dont know what else to do
But I cant even trust myself
Cuz I'd stop running
if she asked me to

Is the first line a typo(IF I fell...?) If so it sounds like this has already happened so it probably S/B "WHEN I fell...."?
The verse overall is fine.

something coming over me
dont know what it could be
Theres just something about her
Thats doing something to me

I don't have a problem with the use of something 3 times in the Chorus, it works for me. My problem again, is the overuse of rhyming words that end in the e sound. Maybe it works when put to music?? I am not sure.


Vast improvement over your prior posts lend-me. More lyrical without losing your "poetic edge" if there is such a thing.