OK!
I love this effin' song. And I paid more attention to the lyric this time. I think your word selection, syntax, phrasing, and quirks are masterful....nothing sounds contrived or awkward....just like a real person would say it...understated, real, and artful, because its not trying to be profound. And the way you sing it makes me feel what you're feeling...and I can feel my own heart breaking , remembering those feelings in my own life. I can't imagine that you just put a bunch of words on paper about this event...I sense you were there, emotionally, when you sang it. True or not, that's the way it comes across. A "10" ON THE BITCHIN' O' METER. Over the top...and where the real artists of vocal delivery fly. After all the composition, recording and mastering...even if done to perfection, what really counts is the emotion coming outta the speakers. And there ain't no software made that can make it happen.
Re-arranged arrangement suggestions:
Intro.
Verse 1.
Verse 2.
Chorus.
Verse 3.
Verse 4.
Chorus.
Verse 5. [ in come the L&R Les Pauls and Marshals with long, droning power chords]
Bridge Verse 5. [Big guitars continue]
Verse 6
Verse ...recap of Verse 1...acoustic only..as it stands
There's still one element missing after this...the obligatory guitar solo...maybe the verse after the bridge?? A real gut-grabber, full of real passion....like the vox.
I can't remember if that cuts one of your verses...are there 7?
Anyway.
Great job. And I still say this is a hit....with a little interest, and a build. [extra chorus...big guitars later] Right on target. I believe your message and emo. This doesn't suck ...A LOT!!!!
If you're young, kinda attractive to teenage chicks, and continue writing, performing, and recording this way.....you're ticket is , like , punched.