New tune, "Snakebite" - opinions please

[famous beagle]

Hey y'all,

This is one that I started a few weeks ago and got a second verse and a chorus last night. I wanted some opinions on how it's progressing.

This was just recorded with my little Olympus digital voice recorder, which I use for my ideas. (A very handy little device!)

Background vox by my wife (and my 4-month old son, Lennon!) )

It's called "Snakebite"

Thanks

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=328768

 

[famous beagle]

Oops, forgot the lyrics. Here they are:

Snakebite

I been wrong, I been right
But tonight I feel steady as a snakebite
And if everyone is uptight tonight, it's all right

We got books that we burn after just one look
Cuz we need a generation's nightlight
Just so everyone can sleep tight
And that's all right; it's just a little shortsighted

We can open wide
We can drink peroxide to try and clean us out
But what's inside deep within our veins
Remains most of the time

Copyright Sun City 2009

 

[up-fiddler]

If you use this for the chorus....

......
I been wrong, I been right
But tonight I feel steady as a snakebite
And if everyone is uptight tonight, it's all right......
Copyright Sun City 2009

....then I am pretty sure I will like it. I especially like the way you drop to the minor for the last word "right". The repeated long "I" sounds throghout the song give it a feeling of power and perhaps even doom. Steady as a snakebite makes a great hook and I wish I had thought of it first. I look forward to hearing more.

 

[famous beagle]

....then I am pretty sure I will like it. I especially like the way you drop to the minor for the last word "right". The repeated long "I" sounds throghout the song give it a feeling of power and perhaps even doom. Steady as a snakebite makes a great hook and I wish I had thought of it first. I look forward to hearing more.

Thanks for the input. I hadn't thought of that as a chorus, though I do agree that the snakebite line is the best hook in the song (hence the title). That was the first line I thought of, and it sparked the rest of the song.

The form still isn't set, as I still have more to write. But I'll have to think about it. The "snakebite" hook will certainly reoccur though, regardless.

 

[gecko zzed]

What you've got will make an awesome song. I agree with Upfiddler about making the first three lines the chorus.

As I was listening, I figured you're playing in D with a capo on the first fret, and I noticed that you go to D after "it's alright", and I so wanted it to go to a G!

I like the character of your voice, and I hope that when you develop the song further you can preserve that wistful, laconic feel. Your wife's harmonies are great as well; the two voices blend perfectly.

 

[nzausrec]

^_^
Totally agree with above statements.
The only thing I would like to hear is a slightly different melody to introduce the chorus - only the first line and first half of the second line, of the chorus. The rest of the chorus from the second half of line two from 'to try to clean us out' falls into line with the theme of the verses. Just that first intro of the chorus, to my ears, is generic. Whereas your verses and completion of the chorus are completely true to you. What a good voice.
Not in any way criticism, it's a very nice tune overall. Can't wait till you finish it. Hope you put in some extra instruments into it and make it epic.

 

[Whatmysay]

Ditto all above

Olympus digital voice recorder - handy bit of kit

Gecko is right as the song evolves to a full recording the laconic feel to it should remain as it is central to it character of the song. Your wife's harmonies are great and the tones of your voices work really well together.

Lennon clearly has potential as he is in tune and on beat most of the time. I got my daughters fighting over who was having their hair dried last night on my vocal track; not quite as cute as a 4 month's gurgling

I look forward to hearing more

 

[mattdee1]

Cool song, love the harmonies. The guy/girl dynamic reminded me of Mojave 3.

Good luck with it!

MattDee

 

[famous beagle]

Cool song, love the harmonies. The guy/girl dynamic reminded me of Mojave 3.

Good luck with it!

MattDee

Thanks Matt! I've never heard Mojave 3; I'll have to check it out.

 

[ido1957]

Great vibe to this song... your vocals are well suited to this type of song...