New song - Today

[Nightfire]

Wrote this for the songwriting challenge in my other thread and looking for some feedback before I record.

Today, Copyright Mike Duerksen 2007


Today,
I feel so right I feel so wrong
Inside I search and long
Today
While I wait for mercy falling down like rain
Washing away
Everything that boils under my skin and in my heart
Today


Today,
Im a million miles away from where I was
Yesterday
Going nowhere, drifting through what seems to be
an endless day
And so I long for more and hope for less as hours crawl
Today

Guitar riff….

Its so easy

Guitar riff

To loose sight of whats at stake
When the sleepless never wake
And the world will never wait
On the ones who're always late

Guitar riff

And they’res a riot
Inside of you,
Inside of you
(oh no no no today)
When they’res a riot
Inside of you
Inside of you oh ho
A riot, inside of me
inside of me
(And raging on today)

Guitar riff

Today,
Im still trying, Im still fighting with a warriors heart
Today
Im still living, Im still finding simple truth in life
Today
Its still a good day


Thoughts,comments etc.?


Mike

 

[ido1957]

Mike,
Pretty cool , having heard your stuff before, I am trying to imagine what it will sound like. But as Rayc discovered with my last tune, I'm probably way off lol.... What I like to do is read the words and try to get the meter or pattern in the lyrics. Anyway its a good theme and it flows pretty well just reading (except as noted below). I'll keep my eye out for your recording....

Here's my initial thoughts from the read through. These are just my thoughts so take it as you may....

Inside I search and long

- feels like it needs something in front of, and/or after the word "long".
- this is mainly a syntax thingy
- my crappy example : Inside I search and still I long

Everything that boils under my skin and in my heart

- "boils under my skin"... hmmm I know it would be cliche but gets under my skin would seem to be the norm here (but again cliche and a lot of people hate cliche - I don't )

And so I long for more and hope for less as hours crawl

- hours crawl by or maybe time crawls

And there's a riot

- riot... Maybe you need something additional like riot going on

Im still trying, Im still fighting with a warriors heart

Not matching the syllables in the first verse. BUT this depends heavily on the way you phrase it while singing so this probably fits okay and this doesn't apply

 

[Nightfire]

Thanks so much for the advice. These lyrics were knocked out in about 5 minutes just to write a song for the challenge. I'll post the track once its recorded.


Mike