new song "Sinfully Lovely" any good lyrically?

[kylosius]

this is another dark song (not nearly as dark as "Come On" see a few posts down). i don't have an mp3 yet seeing as i haven't made a worthwhile recording. it's gone be a slower punk song a-la alkaline trio.

"sinfully lovely"
my, my don't you look pretty
dressed all in black, eyes a-glarin
around your neck you wore that crucifix
upside down on a silver chain

sweet little devil you are
haunting me in my nightmares
but you know i can't complain
because i keep coming back nightly

(chorus)
sweet blasphemy your voice is singing
like a fallen angel
you're so beautiful...
you're so sinfully lovely!

my my don't you look pretty
blood red lips dark blue eyes
and in your hand you held that knife
long and silver and ending lives

(chorus again and again.... i still don't have the structure settled on yet)

let me know what you think. this was a "spur of the moment" song and i'm gonna work out the rough edges.

 

[kylosius]

ok, i knocked out a quick version. go to www.nowhereradio.com/emopunker/singles song is sinfully lovely.

 

[Scriabin]

The word flow is kinda clunky and would benefit from some more revision. Example "sweet little devil you are." Most people don't talk that way so why write a lyric like that? Perhaps, "You're a sweet little devil," instead. "dressed all in black, eyes a-glarin." The eyes a glarin part just isn't doing it for me. There are alot of filler words that could also be deleted. This song would benefit from some more revision. There's some cliches in here and some weak writing. However, I think this could be a
damn good song with some more elbow grease.
Good Luck

 

[kylosius]

in response to your post, the line "sweet little devil you are", if you look at the next line "haunting me in my nightmares" and the way it's played an sang it's like "sweet little devil, you are haunting me in my nightmares." i'll agree on this not being my best, i'm still gonna throw in another verse.